“Even though most of your memories of her were the times she spent high, it sounds like she came through before she passed. She wrote a will and left guardianship of you to my mom. Her last wish was that you’d be taken care of.”
“Jax, this isn’t a funny thing to lie about. I’ve grieved the loss of my parents, and I don’t need you bringing up my mom like you have the fucking right.” My voice was stern, and even though I didn’t yell, my friends had their eyes on our table, ready to pounce.
“Avery, I’m not lying. I know I haven’t been honest, and you have no reason to trust me, but that’s exactly why I have this.”
He slid his phone across the table with a photo of a piece of paper with some writing on it. Without zooming in, the only thing legible enough to read was in bold lettering.
LETTER OF LAST WISHES:
Zooming in, I began to read what I assumed was the only thing left of my mother.
My dearest Avery,
If you’re reading this, I’m sorry. Life wasn’t supposed to fall apart in the way that it has. Your dad would be so disappointed in me. But life wasn’t bearable without himin it. I couldn’t do it on my own, especially after he let the drugs take him. If you’re reading this, it means I likely took my own life or did so by choosing the same path your father did. Each day that passes, it’s harder to get out of bed knowing I’ll have to see you—the spitting image of your father. It’s impossible to look at your bright blue eyes and not see the man who I never wanted to live this life without. I’m sorry that I wasn’t the mother I should have been. I’m sorry I’ve had to make the decision to leave you parentless. I’m sorry for all the things that haven’t happened yet as I’m writing this, but I know you’ll deserve an apology for one day. You are meant for greatness, Avery. Even without me or your father, I’m doing the best thing I can for you. And that’s to leave you in the custody of Sandra Connors. She’s always been such a great friend and neighbor. She loves her son in the way I wish I could love you. At the end of the day, I couldn’t be here to take care of you, but I wanted to make sure someone else was. Even at my worst, I’m trying my best and I hope one day you can see that.
-Mom
My eyes filled with tears, the words on the paper all starting to blur together.
“What … W-Why did I never see this until now?” I asked through sobs.
Andi noticed me in distress and stood from her table, only for me to shake my head, reassuring her that I was okay without her help for now.
I needed to do this on my own.
“I asked my mom the same thing. I’d never even seen it myself until a few days ago.” Jax sighed deeply, interlocking his fingers and resting them behind his head. He stared up at the ceiling for a moment before he finished.
“Mom said that she didn’t want to put you through anymore. You were sixteen and lost both of your parents to drugs. She saw you go through more than most kids should, and she didn’t want to be the reason you went off the deep end when you somehow hadn’t already. She was responsible for you, but she was also a single mom.”
“So, what? She held all the answers hostage from me? She stole my mom’s last words and swallowed them, hoping I’d never ask questions?” My sadness turned to anger as I flipped his phone over, covering the words I now couldn’t unsee.
“Yeah, I guess she did. She had her reasons and stuck to them. Just like she decided to never tell me about my dad—even after I’d asked her time and time again. It’s like in her own way, even if it didn’t make sense to us, she was trying to protect us.”
“Is that what led you to getting this letter from my mom? How … How the hell did this all come about?” My muscles tensed.
My mind was spinning like a goddamn tornado. Tossing and turning with every word. Each one was a riddle, and I had to solve it one piece at a time.
I know at the end of the day, Jax’s mom did what she had to do. She chose the path that was right for her. Never knowing about my mom’s wishes made me red in the face, but even if Ididn’t want to admit it right now, I had to agree with Jax—his mom did what she thought was best for us. I couldn’t blame her for that, and it was impossible to turn back time to change any of it.
“I confronted her. I asked her why she never told me about him. I asked her for the real reason and not all the bullshit answers she’d given me growing up. Obviously, she had me young. Come to find out, my grandparents gave her an ultimatum. If she kept the baby, the low-life father that knocked her up wouldn’t be involved. She’d have to do it all on her own in order to remain living under their roof. She took her chances and figured that my dad wouldn’t want to be much help anyway—being a sixteen-year-old boy and all. So, she spent her life finishing school, working hard, and raising me. She was never able to hold a relationship because she had been so career driven in order to raise me. And then sixteen years later, after she’d gotten the hang of it all, she became responsible for you too…”
It was all starting to make sense. His resentment for me and his mother. He may not have known all of this at the time, but he was just a teenager who noticed his mom working nonstop. He felt the absence of his mom, and because of that, he had even more questions about his dad.
I always carried the weight of his mom resenting me because she offered to care for another kid, and it took time away from her and Jax. Because of that, the nagging feeling weighed heavier when I felt like Jax resented me too. He didn’t want me to go away as a kid, but he never knew how hard it would be to have me around every waking moment.
For most of my life, I was too much. As hard as I tried to please those around me, blend in, and not be a burden, I always ended up being too much to handle.
My mind was playing ping pong between what I had known to be true my whole life, and Jax’s mom just doing her best.
We had only been together for a little while at the time. And then what I thought was a kindhearted gesture from his mom, ended up being a piece of paper mapping out what my next couple years as a teenager would look like. The last crucial years of my adolescence before I would turn eighteen and do my best to make it on my own.
And here I thought she brought me in simply because shewantedto. Not because she legally had to—or morally, for that matter.
“I told her everything, Avery.”
My watery eyes met his.
“Everything … as in?”
