The thought of having to live through it again—of nothing ever changing, of this being my life—was enough to make my heart pound again.
“We should get you some help,” Amy said, looking more and more worried.
“Help’s coming,” I assured her. “I mean, as much as one can be helped? when there’s no future and just an endless purgatory.”
“Uh. What?” Carlos asked, widening his eyes at his girlfriend.
“Yeah,” Amy said, looking more worried than ever. “What does that mean, Cass?”
“Hi!” Bryony ran toward me, water bottle in hand, Ms. Mulaney next to her.
“Are you okay?” Ms. Mulaney asked. “Bryony said you were sick.” She looked at Amy and Carlos and gave them a nod. “Hi, you two. Cass just needs some help, and it might be easier without a crowd, okay?”
“Okay,” Carlos said easily, starting to walk away, reaching out for Amy’s hand. She pushed it away.
“What do you mean,okay?” she asked, shaking her head. “Our friend needs help and you’re just going to walk away?”
“Uh, yeah, when a teacher tells me to I am,” Carlos said. “What’s the big deal?”
“The big deal is that you have to be there for your friends!”
“But not when you’re specifically toldnotto be there!”
“Guys,” Ms. Mulaney said, her voice firm. “Please just take this elsewhere, okay?”
I gave Amy a nod, and she shot me a faint smile in return. Then she and Carlos walked off—Amy, like always, avoiding holding his hand by playing with her bag strap.
“What’s going on?” Ms. Mulaney asked.
“I just…” I started, taking the water bottle with shaking hands. “I just don’t feel great. Everything is spinning and…” I swallowed hard. I didn’t know how to explain that we’d had this conversation before, that I’d lived this night before, that the enormity ofinfinitywas rising up to swallow me whole, like a whale.
“Let’s go to First Aid,” Ms. Mulaney said. Her voice was getting teacher-serious, like she wasn’t going to brook any arguments, and this wasn’t a discussion. “It’s that way….” She gestured, her tote bag slipped, the contents spilled out. I watched it all happen but didn’t make any move to help. What would be the point? This tote bag was going to forever crash to the ground, whether I picked up the pens or not. It would be a literal exercise in futility, and one I had no interest in undertaking at the moment.
“Let me get that,” Bryony said, picking up the rubber-banded pile of papers.
“Thanks,” Ms. Mulaney said, tucking everything back in her bag.
This was normally when I asked about the pages that I knew were her novel. But I also knew what happened to the novel by the end of the night. So why bother having the conversation? The agent didn’t like Ms. Mulaney’s book. Eton Mess’s performance ended in disaster. Carlos and Amy would break up. And all of this would just keep happening, over and over again, ?and there was nothing anyone, especially me, could do about it.
“Bry!” As expected, the Emmas were coming toward us, Emma R. carrying her plastic Disney bag.
“Hey, guys,” Bryony said, giving them only a half smile before she turned back to me, her eyes worried.
“Hi, Ms. Mulaney,” Emma R. said. “I thought you were going to be in the chaperone area?”
“I was,” she said, nodding. “But Cass isn’t feeling well. I’m going to take her to First Aid.”
“I’ll come,” Bryony said immediately.
“There’s no point.” I let out a shaky breath, trying to regroup. “I mean, I think I just need to lie down. See if the dizziness stops. But you—you should hang out with the Emmas. Go on the real roller coasters. Have fun. You deserve that.” Tears were leaping to my eyes again, and I blinked hard, trying to keep them at bay.
“I don’t want to just ditch you.”
“No, you should have a good night,” I said, standing up on unsteady legs. “You all should. And I’ll join you when I feel better. Promise.” I wasn’t sure I sounded at all convincing, but Emma J. and Emma Z. nodded, clearly ready to move on with their nights.
“I don’t know,” Bryony said, her brow furrowed.
“It’s for the best,” I assured her. “Really. We’ll hang out again.”
