Freddie just looked at me for a long moment, like he was weighing something. Then he took the bottle from me, unscrewed the cap, and took a long, almost defiant drink.
He lowered it and looked at me, a relieved smile spreading over his face. “See? I’m…” But almost immediately after he’d said this, it started. The red rash creeping up the sides of his neck, his eyes getting puffy. “Oh,” he said, blinking, his voice heartbreakingly sad. “You were right. I’m sorry, Cass.”
“I’m sorry, too.” And I was—about Niall, and the performance tonight, and all the ones that had come before. But I also meant the two of us. Because even though Freddie might not remember—I wasn’t sure there was any coming back from this.
“I have to go,” Freddie said, already backing up, his face getting blotchier and blotchier. And before I could say anything else, he ran offstage.
I stood there, alone on the stage, blinking back the tears that were threatening to spill. As much as I wanted to ignore Freddie’s words, they were bouncing around in my head, reverberating, making me think about all the things I usually pushed as far away as possible.
“Hey!” I turned around and saw a security officer looking up at me. “You can’t be here,” he said.
“It’s okay,” I said, as I walked to the end of the stage and climbed down. “I was just leaving.”
Freddie was in his usual spot—staring at his phone, a small, hopeful smile playing around the corners of his mouth. I’d done the same routine as always—roller coaster talk, Bryony, Ms. Mulaney—barely even paying attention to what I was saying, like I was an actor in a play that had run a hundred times. Because I was focused on Freddie. I just wanted to get here, to him, to try and…what?
I had nearly reached him, but as I considered this question, I felt my feet slow, then stop. What was I actually going to do here?
There truly didn’t seem to be any way to salvage Eton Mess’s show tonight. It wasn’t like I could procure a guitarist in time, and either Alfie got sick and the show was ruined, or Alfie sat it out and the show was ruined. And as I turned this over in my mind, I thought about what Freddie had said—that maybe it was actuallybetternot to have known what was going to happen. If it was truly just food poisoning, maybe the band wouldn’t get fired for being unprofessional and walking off the stage. Maybe letting them know what was coming, if all that was coming was bad, was actually just cruel.
I looked at Freddie now, his eyes wide as he read the email, like he was afraid to believe it was real. There was a piece of me that wanted to walk up to him, start the explanation, begin our night together. I wanted to eat a meal with him and learn new things to add to the list of Freddie facts and see if he’d come up with any new song lyrics. I wanted to walk with him and see the light from the Ferris wheel play over his face and feel the butterflies in my stomach as I realized we were close enough to kiss.
But that’s all it would be.
It would be just a handful of hours, hours that he wouldn’t remember once they were over. This was never, I realized like a punch in the gut, going togoanywhere. I might feel like I was getting to know him better each time, but I was always just going to be the girl he’d met a few hours before. There wasn’t any future here. Just a continuous fresh start.
It was like Freddie had pointed out—that this was what I did with everyone in my life. I started over—a new town, a blank slate. Leaving people behind, only to discover tonight—over all the tonights—that they hadn’t actually gone anywhere.
But as I looked at Freddie, the lock of hair falling over his forehead, I realized I didn’t want that anymore. I didn’t want any of this.
Freddie looked up from his phone and blinked when he saw me. Which was understandable—I must have looked odd, standing frozen in front of him. While everyone else was swirling around us, off to their next adventure, he and I were standing stock-still in the middle of the path. For just a second, and against all logic, I hoped that maybe he might recognize me. That somehow what we’d shared—even the fight we’d just had—would have carried through.
But then he just gave me a small polite smile, the kind you give to strangers. “Hi,” he said, a question in his voice, like he was wondering why I was staring at him. “Sorry…do we know each other?”
I looked at him, trying not to let him see what I was feeling, trying to cover up the fact that it felt like my heart was breaking. Then I took a breath and made myself reply. “No,” I finally said. “We don’t.”
And then I turned and walked away.
Iwalked away from Freddie, tears stinging my eyes as I realized he’d probably already forgotten that brief interaction we’d just had. Why would he have held on to it? I was just a stranger, after all. And unless I did something about it, that was all I’d ever be. If I couldn’t fix this situation, I was going to be stuck here. Possibly forever.
The thought was chilling enough that it stopped me in my tracks. What had started as a fun adventure, and then a problem to solve, was suddenly stretching forward as an interminable purgatory. I’d justalwaysbe here, at this particular Grad Nite, wearing this same dress? Never able to move things forward with Freddie or escape my past mistakes? The thought was enough to make my stomach clench. Thatcouldn’tbe my future. I wasn’t just going to accept it—I was going to do something about it.
I changed direction and started walking, fast, back toward the doors. I’d wished for this to happen, and it had happened. The lights had flickered, and then the next thing I’d known, I was stuck in this time loop. So I’d just un-wish it.
As I picked up my pace, I shook my head, annoyed at myself that I hadn’t actually tried this yet. Because maybe thingswouldjust be that simple. Once again, I lamented the fact that my wise guide had apparently gotten held up in traffic or stuck on a Zoom call or something, because knowing these kinds of rules would have been super helpful.
I slowed down a little as I got nearer to the doors. I took a deep breath and said quietly, “I don’t want another chance at any of this. I just want to be back to normal. I want this to end. I’m happy with how everything is.” Even as I spoke the words, I knew they weren’t entirely true. I wasn’t exactlyhappywith how things were going tonight—but I was just through with all of this. It was time to leave, go back to my real life, move on. I couldn’t just stay here forever, trapped in this loop and never getting to go forward.
The lights didn’t flicker, but I figured that didn’t necessarily mean anything. Maybe they only did that at the beginning of a wish, not the conclusion of it.
I crossed my fingers as I got close to the doors, my heart beating hard. But I was feeling secure in my knowledge that I was making the right move. Because I wasdone. It was time to end this.
I took a deep breath and stepped through the doors.
Who’s ready to have the best night ever?” Sheridan yelled, running past me.
“No!” I ?cried in frustration. I looked back toward the doors, like they were the ones who’d betrayed me. I was back—back, once again, at the beginning.
“What’s wrong?” Bryony asked, looking at me with wide eyes. “You okay?”
