“And you made yours clear when you said all of this would just be a good memory,” I fought back.
“What do you want me to say, Clara?” She was upended, undone. I scrambled for words, but Hesper pressed on. “I want you,” she said, bracing her hands on the table and sucking in a breath. “There, happy?” She pushed away from the table and into the living area. I followed.
The words hung in the air between us. I was stunned.
“But you’re leaving,” I said, not understanding.
She whirled around; I stopped in my tracks. She moved closer to me, the heat of her body pressing into my very heart.
“That doesn’t mean I don’t burn for you.” She pushed a strand of hair out of my face, her finger hooked under my chin. “That doesn’t mean I don’t dream of how you taste.”
She licked her lips. My knees felt like jelly.
“That doesn’t mean I don’t want to spend the rest of my time doing unspeakable things to you. I have spent every moment of every day fighting myself not to reach for you, long for you, beg for you.”
There we stood, our lips almost touching, the unsaid words between us almost spoken.
For a moment, I hesitated—caught in between swirling need and the heavy weight of her leaving. But then, I was falling into her.
I pressed my mouth against hers, giving in to every impulse I’d had since we arrived. She stiffened at first, and I worried she would push me away. That even though she wanted me, she didn’t wantthis. But then her hands were all over me, hungry and exploring.
She picked me up and I wrapped my legs around her. My need for her was ferocious, all-encompassing. The kiss was nothing but fire, and I wanted to turn to ash as it ended me. Consumed me.
My heart turned to sunlight in my chest, all the want for Hesper finally satiated. It felt so good it almost hurt. She growled into my mouth, and I could feel her heart thundering. I put my hand to it, every part of me longing to tear away her leathers and be as close as humanly possible.
Then she was setting me down, as I reached for her. She backed away, her hands in the air, her head shaking.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, my heart beginning to crumple.
“I can’t, Clara. It isn’t fair to you,” she said, her eyes closed, her voice pained. “I’m sorry.”
It isn’t fair?
What wasn’t fair was this whole Goddess-damned quest.What wasn’t fair was that I was never supposed to meet Hesper Altanfall. What wasn’t fair was that I never wanted to leave home. Yet I did, and I met her, and now I… Now, I…
I realized I was still reaching for her, my arms outstretched.
Like the little girl all over again. Always reaching for the thing that will never reach back.
My heart cracked right down the middle.
I ran out of the cottage door as lightning shrieked above.
She knew she would never stop reaching, even if the moon never got any closer.
—opening line attempt 867
The storm raged; sheets of rain poured down angrily, thunder and lightning warring in the sky. Haven’s ire was falling upon Dwindle.
And it had nothing on the state of my heart.
I ran into the garden, screaming up at the skies, letting the bellows of thunder swallow up my rage. I could hear nothing but the storm; I could see nothing through the rain. I was completely and utterly overtaken. If Hesper followed me, I didn’t know. All I knew was the pelting, relentless onslaught inside of me.
My entire life, I’d promised myself I would never be that girl again—reaching, always reaching. But it was all I’d fucking done anyway. Reaching for my magic, reaching for anything to protect my heart, reaching for my parents, reaching for Hesper. And what was it all for? All that time spentachingly planning every step, every emotion, only for my magic—even now—to refuse to grow.
For the parents I loved to not reach back.
For the woman I loved to not reach back.
