“So, it wasn’t really a marriage.”
Deacon could feel himself getting defensive. “Yes, it was.” His words were clipped as they came out in succession.
“Maybe in the eyes of the law.” Ava remained calm as a cucumber as she tilted her head in consideration. “Although in some states you could have had it annulled. My point is, I’m sensing a lot of guilt, a lot of shame, and blame you’ve placed on yourself, perhaps even carried around for years, because you didn’t live up to the emotional expectations of the grieving spouse. Am I right?”
Deacon just stared at her. How had she come to that conclusion from the few comments he’d made about Kristen?
When he didn’t respond, she repeated the question, “Am I right?”
“How did you…why do you think that?”
She took a breath. “Well, I could just tell you I’m good at my job, or I could break it down for you?” Shestared at him. “Do you want to know how the sausage is made?”
“I want to know,” he responded with no hesitation.
“You have been talking to me for thirty minutes about really tough topics. You have been articulate, vulnerable, and thoughtful. You’ve maintained appropriate eye contact and held a relaxed, open posture. The second she was brought up, you shut down, your body tensed, and your answers were clipped and vague. You dropped eye contact when you spoke about her and your relationship.”
“Maybe I cheated on her.” He challenged. “Maybe that’s why I feel guilty.”
Shit. He just admitted he felt guilty.
“You didn’t cheat on her,” she answered with confidence.
“How do you know I didn’t?”
“I was a marriage and family therapist for years, Iknowyou didn’t cheat on her. I would beverysurprised if you have ever cheated on anything, much less a partner.”
He wasn’t sure why it frustrated him that she was so sure, but it did. She was right though, cheating was just not in his DNA. He absolutely abhorred it.
“Do you tell everyone who sees you how the sausage is made?”
“No.” She shook her head. “In fact, you are only the second.”
“Why me?”
“You’re smart. Really smart. You have trust issues. You need to know that there are reasons behind why I say the things I say. That I’m not guessing or getting lucky. That I’m not here to waste your time. And that I’m good at my job.”
He couldn’t argue with any of that.
“So you said for a long time you thought you were incapable of love, has that changed?”
This was it. If he crossed this line, it meant he actually trusted the woman seated in front of him. And it meant he was actually here to do work because Jenna was the thing that occupied his mind day and night.
Deacon took a deep breath and dove into the deep end. He told her about Jenna, not her name or that she lived and worked in Hope Falls, just that he met her the day of his parents’ funeral, that he thought she didn’t want anything to do with him all that time, that she unexpectedly came into his life recently, and how he felt about her.
“Okay, well that is time.” Ava abruptly, yet somehow gently, wrapped the session.
“Oh, okay.” He blinked.
Time?How long had he been talking about Jenna?
“You’ll be able to set up your next appointment in the online portal now that you are a patient.” Ava stood, and he followed her lead. They walked to the door. “I’ll email you a summary of the appointment with a link to the portal within the next twenty-four to forty-eight hours.”
“Sounds good.” He stopped and turned. “Can I ask about the name? Five Steps?”
Ava smiled as if she knew that was coming. Maybe he wasn’t the first to ask, or maybe he was just that predictable. “It’s a combination of two of my favorite sayings, You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step. The other is, Don’t walk ten miles into the woods and expect to get out in five.”
Those actually weren’t cheesy at all.
