“How does that feel? You went from being a single child to having four sisters and a brother. That’s a huge adjustment in itself as far as identity.”
“It turned out how I hoped it would. I did it for Tabby. I moved here for her. Once my parents died, I realized I’m it, I’m all she has. Kristen was estranged from her momand dad, they had been very controlling when she was growing up. Her brother doesn’t want anything to do with us. I’m not close to my extended family, I don’t have any cousins or aunts or uncles who would step in if, God forbid, something happened to me. Logistically, she’ll be with Cillian, he’s her godfather, but I didn’t want her to feel like she has no family. She won’t now. Moving here, connecting with my half-siblings was a Hail Mary. One that paid off.”
“What about dating? Is that something you’re interested in or…”
“For a long time, I thought I was incapable of love. In every relationship I’ve been in, I was always accused of being unfeeling, disconnected, and cold.”
She grinned. “I feel like there is a but.”
Deacon wanted to tell her about Jenna, but he didn’t know how to share that and keep Jenna’s anonymity. He wouldn’t say her name, but would that be enough? He hesitated and instead spoke about something else he had concerns over. “Tabby has been asking about me getting married again. She saw the movieEnchanted,and she’s been obsessed with it.”
Ava nodded as if she was familiar with the movie.
“She’s been asking a lot more questions about her mom. She asks to watch our wedding video. I have a feeling she thinks that I’m not dating because I am still in love with her mom.”
Ava stared at him. He knew that was something therapists did, they waited for people to speak. He didn’t like that. He wished they would just ask what they wanted to ask or say what they were thinking.
Which is exactly what Ava did. “From your tone, I’m gathering that is not the reason.”
“No, it’s not.”
She did the silence thing again. He tried to wait her out but ended up breaking. “Kristen was a good person. She would have been an incredible mother.”
“Would have been?” Ava asked.
Deacon closed his eyes. He forgot, sometimes, that not everyone knew every single detail of his life. From the time he could remember…anything really, he’d felt like he lived his life under a microscope. Or in the actualTruman Show. Not that he’d seen the movie, but from what he gathered, it was a story about a man who lived his life being viewed by others. That was what Deacon felt like.
He grew up the only child in a household of fourteen adults. His parents and twelve full-time live-in staff. Three were dedicated to him, who were basically nannies, although that’s not what their job titles were. Officially, on their name tags—which they were required to wear at all times even if they were off duty, in civilian clothes, in staff quarters, so they weren’t mistaken for guests—they were ‘live-in carer.’ He wasn’t sure why his mother preferred that title, it always made Deacon feel as though he was ill or something.
There were also security cameras in every room of the house, so he was being filmed at all times, much like the actualTruman Show.
When he opened his eyes, he explained, ”Kristen had an undiagnosed heart condition, and she passed away during childbirth.”
“I’m sorry, that must have been very difficult.”
He nodded. “She would have been an amazing mother.”
Deacon always felt like an asshole when the subject of his dead wife came up.
“What was your marriage like?”
“Short. Fine.”
She nodded, her expression clearly indicating she wanted him to continue, which he did.
“We were dating casually when Kristen got pregnant. We got married. She was ill most of her pregnancy, so we never even… well, it wasn’t an intimate marriage, ever. And then she was gone.”
“So it wasn’t really a marriage.”
“No, we were legally married.”
“Right, but you said you never consummated the marriage.”
“No, but?—”
“And you were only dating casually when she got pregnant.”
“Yes, but?—”
