Who the fuck are you?
Even if my tongue was working, I wouldn’t have been able to answer her question.
A monster.
A guy who doesn’t deserve to live.Not with this guilt.Not with the certainty that it was my fault someone died.
I can’t stay here.It’s all too loud, too much.The others, by some miracle, have no idea what just happened between me and Olive.She didn’t yell, she didn’t cry, she was calm.I was calm.But now I have the feeling that it could go off course at any moment.
Her holding out her phone to me, and me seeing what it said.The pictures, the headlines.I didn’t have to read them.I know every word by heart.
The firebug at Ainslee.
My legs move by themselves toward the exit.In passing, I grab a bottle—I’m in luck: it’s heavy—and lift it to my lips the minute I’m through the door.Darkness, the uneven stone path outside the old greenhouse with weeds growing between the slabs.We stood here earlier yelling at each other, and I thought that was bad.I was wrong.It’s nothing compared to what just happened.
The shock on her face as she looked at me.The horror in her eyes.Shetrulysaw me for the first time.
Why did I let her find out this way?Why did I think it was a good idea to put off telling her?Why didn’t I tell her myself?Not that it would have changed anything, although maybe it could have.Given me a chance to explain.I could have worked out what to say in advance, made excuses.But the truth is, there’s no excuse for what happened.There never will be.I made a mistake and I ran.I turned away and shut my eyes to what happened.I let someone get killed.I let Mom take control and send me away, and I have no way of explaining that.All I have is my fear.
I swig the gin straight from the bottle.The glass hits my teeth.The alcohol burns in my throat and eats its way down to my belly.
I should stop, but I don’t let myself.It has to hurt.That’s all I deserve.Nausea rises in me, and dizziness, so I stand still, propping myself up on one of the school walls, which I’ve now reached.I crouch, gagging, and grip the bottle tighter.
You should never have come here, Colin Fantino.
I know.I didn’t want to.I so didn’t want to, but nobody asked me.I kid myself that I had no choice, but the truth is that you always have a choice.I could have gone to the cops, even after Mom had made all the boarding-school arrangements.I shouldhave listened to my doubts—I could have done the right thing just one fucking time.But I took the easy route.
I should never have come to Dunbridge Academy, and I never would have if I’d known what had happened here.That there had been a fire, that a girl was injured, that I’d meet her a few weeks later, smash a display case for her, hate her, curse her, and fall in love with her.That I’d learn the truth and make the wrong choice yet again before my lies blew up in my face.That I’d hit rock bottom.Everything’s lost, it’s dark, and I can’t see a way out.I truly can’t.I hate myself for the whimper of despair that crawls from my throat, the fucking pain, the self-pity I’m not entitled to.
I crouch, wanting to punch something, but I’m all out of strength.I’m eighteen years old, and my life’s a mess.Which is my own fault, so I have no right to feel sorry for myself.My actions caused someone to die.
The bottle shatters as I smash it into the wall.
How can you live with a thing like that?
I can’t, Olive.I can’t.
The shards of glass on the gravel path blur in front of me.I shut my eyes and sway.The taste of blood fills my mouth as I bite my bottom lip so hard it must have broken the skin, but I don’t feel a thing.
I feel across the floor, I find some glass, I don’t move.My heart is racing, but I can’t.I wrap my hand around it.I squeeze.I feel the pain in my palm, and I let go again.
The world spins as I stand up.It’s still spinning.
Nobody taught me to do the right thing.Nobody took thetrouble.Nobody but her.Nobody, goddamn it, except Olive Henderson.
Olive
This has to be a dream.One of the bad sort, the kind I wake from with my heart pounding and my T-shirt soaked with sweat, where it’s all so real that I can’t stay in bed.
This is real.And walking through the night doesn’t help.As I walk further and further from the old greenhouse, it gets harder and harder to hold back the tears.I walk on.I don’t stop when I start to cry.
Because Colin isn’t who I thought he was.Because he lied to me.Because he let me tell him my deepest fears and worst experiences.He let me.He lay next to me, listened, nodded, and comforted me.He just accepted it all.
Maybe it’s not true.There’s this pathetic wee voice in my head that still has some kind of hope.Maybe it’s all just a massive misunderstanding.Maybe it was someone who’s out to get him.
But if that was true, why didn’t he say so?Anyone who wasn’t guilty would defend themselves when faced with something like that.But Colin didn’t stand up for himself.He just stood there, and I could see in his face that he’d been waiting for that moment.The moment when I learned the truth.
I walk faster.I feel the cool air on my wet cheeks.
