Dawn is breaking between the skyscrapers.It’s rush-hour traffic now, so we don’t call an Uber.We walk back.
The air is fresh and clear, and it helps me get my head together.Once we’re finally in the elevator, heading up to our apartment, I suddenly feel a total exhaustion.It’s not physical tiredness; it’s more emotional.Because I’ve done all I can.It’s out of my hands now.
“Where have you two been?”asks Mom as we run into her in the living room.Seems like she’s already been out jogging—an early morning run in Central Park is a fixed part of Ava Fantino’s day.She sticks fast to her morning routine, regardless of weather or the day of the week.
The newspaper and empty espresso cup on the breakfast bar show that Dad’s already left for work.
“To the police station,” I say, watching calmly as my mother’s face changes.She hesitates, as though she thinks she’s misheard, and then it slowly seems to dawn on her what it might mean.I help her out anyway, though.“I made a statement.”
The mask slips.“You didwhat?”
“Made a statement,” I repeat, as if she were hard of hearing.“To the police.”
“Colin Fantino, you cannot be serious?”
Olive gives me a tiny glance but stands, arms folded, by the breakfast bar as I take a step toward Mom.
“I am.Deadly serious.”
“What did you tell them?”
“The truth.”
“What truth?”
“What I was doing in the bathroom.”I feel my throat constrict.“I wasn’t smoking—that part was a lie.I was burning myself with a lighter.”
“What the hell?”Mom’s voice gets shrill.“Why in God’s name would you...?”
“I’ve been doing it for a couple years,” I say.My voice trembles, but I carry on.“It was the only way I could deal with my emotions.”
“Colin.”I’ve shocked her; there’s no mistaking that.
“I’m not doing it anymore,” I say, although that’s not entirely true.It will be soon.“I’ve been seeing Ms.Vail for the last few weeks—the school psychologist, you remember?”
Mom’s gone pale.“Is that helping?”
“Yeah” is all I say.
“OK.”She holds a hand to her forehead.“Good, that...I can’t believe you did that, Colin.”I don’t reply, so she continues.“But it was still a mistake, right?”
“In the school bathroom?”I ask.“Yeah.I was careless.A piece of toilet paper caught fire, but I thought I’d stomped it out when I left.”
“So why go to the police, for God’s sake?”
“To tell the truth, Mom!”I’m raising my voice, but it’s no good.She doesn’t get it.Not even now.I told her the one thing I never wanted to admit, and she hasn’t followed up.She now knows I’m speaking to a therapist, so as far as she’s concerned, that box has been checked.I shouldn’t be surprised, but it still hurts.
She keeps looking at me like I’ve lost my mind, and I’m expecting her to start shouting too.But she doesn’t.Not in front of Olive.She gives me a death stare, then picks up her phone.
“You must be insane.I’ll let your father know—he might be able to intervene and keep your statement off the files.”
“He can try, but if he does, I’ll testify again.”
That’s the moment my mom seems to grasp that we’re not on the same page anymore.If we ever had been.
“Colin, are you out of your mind?Do you know what this means?For you and for our family?For your sister?”
I’m about to answer when I hear a little voice.“What about me?”
