DANIELSATACROSSfrom Annika and her parents, inhaling deeply to calm his nerves. Annika was right, violence was not the way, but if he had been in Nilay’s place, he would have reacted with his fists first, as well. It would have been satisfying to land a punch on at least one deserving asshole. He had no way to avenge Sara, but punching this guy would’ve felt good. He flexed his fingers, the ache from the knife wound filtering up his arm. Damn it.
He found himself fixated on the way Annika’s parents clung to each other, alternately reassuring each other and worrying aloud. He read the concern and panic in their eyes, the feelings they couldn’t mask even if they had tried. The “what if” hung heavy and unsaid in the air.
The professional in him knew that Sajan was the best. He also knew that he himself had done everything in his power to get Nilay to the hospital ASAP. The professional in him knew that Nilay would be fine. He also knew that pulmonary contusion was likely and dangerous.
His heart rate quickened as he mentally listed all the other things that could be going on. Worry and pain colored Anil-uncle’s face; the same parental tug pulled at Daniel, as well.
He and Sheila had sat just like Annika’s parents that day in the ER. They didn’t go to a waiting room; they had just taken one of the bays. Someone had brought them coffee, and Daniel couldn’t imagine anything more mundane than coffee when waiting to hear if his baby girl had been shot to death.
What if Nilay wasn’t fine? Sajan might be the best, but things went wrong all the time. Daniel’s stomach churned. His breathing became uneven as he continued to count the ways in which things could go wrong. The ways in which he could have improved his care of Nilay before he even got to the hospital.
He stood and paced. What was he thinking? He should calm down. Nilay wasn’t even his son. If something happened to Nilay, his family would never be the same. He froze midstep as a realization hit him. If something happened to Nilay,Danielwould never be the same. He tried to focus on the facts. Wave after wave of nausea churned his stomach.
He couldn’t lose Nilay. He couldn’t lose another child.
His hands shook. They had been rock steady when he was inserting that needle, but now... Now he couldn’t make them stop shaking. Even fisted, they trembled. How could he possibly love another child and go throughthisagain and again? He couldn’t. Plain and simple. The not knowing, the wondering, and then, when the answer came down, the pure agony of having your heart ripped out whole.
No.
Annika’s father paced the room, his brown skin ashen, his lips moving but no sound coming out. This was his son, and he was powerless. This man, who’d had the courage to leave one country in search of a better life, was now at the mercy of the skill of surgeons and the ability of the body to heal. He would be forced to accept and move on with whatever happened here tonight.
Annika held her mother while the older woman sat, her hands clasped in her lap, something between worry and terror in her eyes. There were no tears, just frowns of doubt, glimmers of hope, and that belly-sinking feeling that the worst might actually occur.
Daniel was overcome with helplessness and his gut wrenched, just as it had that day he’d sat in the ER bay with Sheila. Waiting. Powerless. Waiting to hear what he had already known was true. He shook his head, told himself that this was Nilay, not Sara, but it made no difference to his heart.
He willed himself to go and comfort Annika, to talk to her father. To at least go get them some coffee, mundane though that may be. But he was frozen to his spot. Almost paralyzed by the fear of losing Nilay. Nothing he did would be enough. It was all futile. What would happen would happen.
Suddenly it was clear. Daniel knew what he had to do. He met Annika’s eye.
“Daniel.” Annika came to his side, wrapping her arm in his so their bodies touched. “If it hadn’t been for your quick thinking, we wouldn’t have the hope we have now.”
He wanted nothing more than to sink into her touch, but all he could think about were all the ways that Nilay could die. All the ways that things could go wrong. All the ways his heart would shatter again.
He faced Annika. This woman whom he loved with every cell in his body. Of this there was no doubt. But he was not what was best for her. Not by a long shot.
“Daniel? Are you okay? What’s wrong?” His decision must have shown on his face, because concern replaced the relief in her voice.
Mr. Mehta slowed his pace and went to sit by his wife once more. He held her hand and forced a smile onto his face. She leaned against his shoulder.
Daniel took Annika and walked a short distance away from them. “Look at me.” Brown eyes flecked with worry. He should be helping her get through this. She was brave enough to be with him when her family didn’t approve. He should be telling her that everything would be okay.
Annika shouldn’t be worried about him; she should be thinking about her brother and parents.
He tried to take her hands in his, but they shook uncontrollably. Instead, Annika covered his hands with hers, holding them steady. “It’s okay, Daniel. Everything will be fine.”
His heart raced and his stomach twisted with dread. She deserved far better than what he could offer. She needed what her parents had. She needed someone strong enough to lean on. He broke free of her hands and ran a shaky hand through his hair.
“What’s going on?”
He shook his head, returning his gaze to her parents. “I can’t do this.”
She furrowed her brow. “Do what?”
He turned his full attention to her, aware that he might have a crazed look in his eye. “This.” He motioned between the two of them. “I haven’t been honest with you.” He paused and then blurted everything out. “After Sara, I had decided that I would never be a father again. I even tried to get a vasectomy, but I was so young that the surgeon advised against it. But IknewI could never be a father again. Ever. I can’t even be godfather to Sheila’s baby, for God’s sake.”
Annika opened her mouth to say something, but he took her face in his hand and rested a thumb on her lips. One last time. “When I met you—when I fell in love with you, I thought I could. I wanted to be able to. It was the first time I wanted my own family again—because I couldn’t imagine my life without you.”
Still can’t.
