Dammit, Liam.
I bite my lip and walk over to the couch where I sit down next to Butter, who is getting a stare-down from Lucille.
“Fuck,” I whisper while my eyes prickle with unshed tears because what if I’m wrong? What if Liam really is just done? He’s so fucking stubborn. He’s so stubborn; what if I can’t get him to come back?
I try to blink away the first tear, but it’s like a dam breaks, and my throat feels tight as I fight them away. I pull Butter onto my lap where my tears wet his fur.
“Fuck. Fuck. FUCK.”
Why did I go out on that ice? Why wasn’t I more careful? All of this has left Liam just… drifting away from me. And I can’t handle it. I tried so hard to pretend that I could, but I can’t. I’m not strong enough. I have to take Butter back to him. If he really is going to leave me, I want him to at least havesomething. I don’t want him to be alone.
I… don’t want to be alone.
My stomach tightens, and I can’t seem to chase these tears away because everything fucking hurts. I was trying to beconfident. I was trying to slowly insert myself back into his life, and instead, I’ve just found myself alone in this huge house that we were supposed to fill with so many happy memories.
And instead, it just feels so big and cold without him in it.
“Did you beat him up when he dropped Butter off?” I ask Lucille.
She seems distraught, and I can’t tell whether it’s because Butter is back or because I’m sobbing all over him instead of her, so I pull her in close to wet her down with my tears as well.
THIRTY-TWO
Liam
I lean against the front wall of the house as pain returns to my chest at full force. I’d peeked through the window, assuming that seeing the damn cat would have made him happy.
I never expected that Gabriel would start crying.
And it hurts.
Why the fuck does it hurt so much? I have to stay away from him. I have to keep him safe… so why is it so fucking painful?
How can I just keep hurting him?
I shake my head, knowing that of course stepping away will hurt him, but it’ll be better in the long run. He’ll be safer. He’ll be happier. He’ll find someone normal to love.
I sink down the wall, onto my ass, and tug at my hair while the world spins out of control around me. My whole life, I’ve been in control. I always had the answer, and if I didn’t have it yet, I knew how to find it.
But not this.
Not with Gabriel.
Everything about this man disrupts my world.
And it makes my whole body ache.
I push away from the wall and start down the driveway toward my car which I’d parked on the street. About halfway there, I hear the front door open, and I find myself ducking out of sight behind my car. I want to go to him so badly it hurts. I want to rush forward and tell him that I will give him everything.
But I don’t deserve to be loved by someone as good as him.
I don’t deserve him.
I sink down, hiding behind my car as the snow drops down onto my clothes.
“Liam… Liam, I can’t do this,” Gabriel calls. “I thought I could give you space. I thought that if I let you have your space for a bit, you’d come to your senses, but I’m fucking terrified. I’m absolutely terrified that you will just disappear out of my life, and I’ll never see you again. You’re too unpredictable… and that scares me. You know what you’re feeling? I’m feeling that too because I can’t lose you. Everyone feels fear, Liam, everyone. You just have to suck it up and get used to it because it’s not going to go away. You just learn how to deal with it.”
I close my eyes while my brain tells me that I need to run. I can’t let him convince me with words that take control of me.
