‘I’m in that frame of mind where I think maybe we’d benefit from some open and honest communication, don’t you?’
‘Oh God, did you learn that in therapy? This was always my fear that with your new-found understanding you would try and fix me!’
‘Not that you need fixing.’
‘No, not that I need fixing.’ Ashleigh took a drag on her cigarette. ‘I’m worried too that the last time wine levered open the honesty portal, it didn’t exactly end too well.’
‘There’s the understatement of the day.’ Remy bit her lip.
‘Perhaps you’re right. Talking openlywouldbe good for us. God only knows there’s a lot to say. We’ve drifted apart, and I find it hard to explain, to justify.’
‘Me too. I hate saying that it just happened!’ Remy faced her.
‘I guess it felt easier not to call you than risk arguing with you, going over the details of what happened with St. Jude’s, the Jamie thing.’
‘Yep, all of it.’
Spurred on by her burst of confidence, Ashleigh decided to test the water. ‘I’m okay. I really am. Most of the time. I think we all crave the same things, don’t we? A haven, love, and hope. Life is busy and hard sometimes, but it’s never too hard if you’ve got those three things.’
‘Yep.’ Remy swallowed. ‘And do you have those three things?’
‘In the words of Meatloaf, two out of three ain’t bad ...’
‘Huh!’ Again, that beat of silence while they mentally regrouped. ‘When I told everyone, I thought you’d be delighted. It’s what you’d always wanted, and it came at a huge cost to me, to me and Midge—’
‘It came at a huge cost to me too,’ she interrupted, thinking again of her lovely dad and how things had never felt quite the same after.
‘I know.’ Remy gave a stiff nod of acknowledgement. ‘But you weren’t delighted. If anything, it only seemed to make you angrier! I couldn’t believe I’d got it that wrongagain, when I only thought I was doing a good thing, getting it right.’
‘Not angrier’ – she took her time – ‘but I hated how you did it and when you did it. I guess I’d envisaged sitting down quietly with Mum and Dad and explaining what happened, but you just pulled the pin and lobbed it into the middle of a family celebration. Our kids were there, Tony ...’
‘I know, and I’m sorry about that. I really am. In the moment, I just felt I couldn’t stand the thought of that conversation again, you making hints and suggestions. It felt like it was dangling over me, always dangling over me.’
‘Well, ditto that!’
‘And then you slept with Jamie!’ Remy’s face creased, as if to even say the words was enough to make her cringe. ‘I found it gross. Too close a connection. You knew what he’d done to me, how toxic we’d been, how hard I’ve worked for all these years to find balance, to let him in without letting him in, all for Sophie, and you did that.’
Ashleigh felt her body stiffen. She had prayed that today she could parachute in and out without this analysis, but deep down she had known it was inevitable and this was why she had dreaded coming face to face with her twin. ‘I’ – she felt her jaw tense – ‘I was definitely going through stuff. Evie was pulling away from me, and it was a real slap in the face, my love life was in the gutter, the business was thriving without me in it, Archie was living his best life with his hot wife and fabulous kids all living inmyhouse, and it all felt a bit unfair. I’d spent the weekend with you and Midge, the love birds in your cosy cottage. Jesus, there were literal roses around the front door, and then the cherry on the cake – Tony appeared to whisk you away into a corner to gossip!’
‘So you were jealous?’ Remy’s eyes misted.
‘No, not jealous, not really, more reflective, sad, looking for a quick hit of dopamine that fast, thrilling sex might provide, and it did. I was so sloshed I didn’t stop for a minute and think aboutthe fact that it was with Jamie.’ She took a final drag and trod the cigarette butt under foot. ‘If I’d been sober ...’ She let this trail.
‘For the record,Iwasn’t jealous, couldn’t give a shit. It wasn’t the physical thing, it was just yuck!’
‘We kind of unravelled after that, didn’t we?’
‘We did,’ Remy whispered. ‘I remember saying it was probably better to get all the shite over at once, and just let the avalanche knock me off my feet.’
‘And I remember thinking it would be betternotbeing knocked off my feet at all!’
Remy licked her lips. ‘I guess I meant better than life-altering things happening by paper cuts. Better, I thought, to take the mighty thump that would see us land on our arses. The pain and humiliation would be the same, but I figured, at least it was going to be over, and we could dust ourselves off, and get up, stronger, nothing waiting in the wings for us.’
‘But we never really got up, did we? I still feel like I’m sat on my arse some days. I am happy, I am, but I don’t know what happens next, and that’s unsettling at my age.’ It was her truth, and it felt like the right time to say it. Ashleigh reached out and took her sister’s hand, and there they sat for a while.
‘I hope it’s true, Ash, that we can get up stronger, closer.’
‘I hope so too.’ She held her sister’s stare. ‘I’ve hated not being in contact with you. It’s been lonely.’
