‘What was I supposed to do?’
‘Erm, I don’t know, stay by my side, support me, help explain?’
‘Explain what?’ Ashleigh wasn’t sure what she might have been able to add that would have made the situation any less awful.
‘Are you kidding me right now?’ Remy’s mouth fell open.
‘I’m not. Itoldyou not to say anything, I was calling out to you, but you just ignored me.’
Remy laughed then, and it took a while for her to regain her composure. ‘I don’t believe this, Ashleigh! Are you are saying now youdidn’twant me to tell them, that maybeIwas right all along, and that we might just have been better off not saying a word?’
‘No, I’m not saying that. Christ, I’m scared to say anything in case you jump up and go and make a public declaration.’
‘You’ve been pressuring me for ages! And last night you backed me into it and then left me to take the hit.’ Her sister’s words were as relatable as they were upsetting.
‘We’re not to mention it, not ever again. Just make out it hasn’t happened, let everyone believe what they know to be true, that you took the exam, Ash. That’s the end of it. Promise me!’
‘You just don’t get it, do you, that’s exactly what you did to me!’ It was crazy that Remy just couldn’t see it. ‘You landed me in it,toldme what you’d done, never asked! Never gave me a chance to back out! You made the plan, the announcement, set up the scene and then leftmeto take the hit!’
‘I was ten!’
‘AndIwas ten! It was a lot! And besides, you were ten foroneyear, and then you’ve been eleven, twelve, sixteen, twenty-six, thirty, forty-four and every other age up until this point, but still not acknowledged that what you did might not have been in my best interests, and you weren’t even willing to talk to anyone about it!’
‘Well, I’ve certainly told people about it now! And it feels like you might be a little bit delighted by the fallout, as if it’s my turn, and that’s really shitty!’
‘What a bloody awful thing to say to me!’ She was hurt; her throat tightened with the pull of sadness.
‘And you slept with Jamie –Jamie!’ Remy stood up. ‘What were you thinking?’
‘I wasn’t.’
Remy ignored her. ‘It meant Midge and I had an even bigger row.’
‘Well, that’s not my fault.’ Ashleigh chose not to make a quip about the fact they were supposed to be perfect.
‘Oh, nothing is ever your fault, Ashleigh! Last night was horrible.’
‘It was, but I didn’t do anything– youdid!’
‘But you pushed me to do it, you’ve always been pushing me to do it. Is that why you slept with him? To punish me more, create a ripple?’
Ashleigh put the coffee cup down, fearing her trembling hand might shake the contents all over the pale bedlinen. Her words, when they came, required no forethought but were a confession of sorts.
‘I suppose, in my pissed state, I wanted Jamie to want me because I thought it might prove, in some way, if he wanted me too, that I was as good as you.’
‘As good as me? That’s nuts! You were always the bright one, the one who was going places, according to Mum and Dad.’
‘Yes, Iwas,but not now, not now they know the truth.’
‘But youwantedthem to know the truth!’ Remy raised her voice.
‘My God! My head is spinning! And if it’s any consolation, Remy, we were drunk, as you saw when I came home, and I’d actually sobered up a bit by then. We were very drunk.’ She rubbed her forehead, as more of that shame seeped from her pores.
‘It’s no consolation. I don’t know why people think that makes a difference.’ Remy wasn’t giving her an inch.
‘Because it does make a difference. When you’re incapacitated like that, you make crazy decisions. Do stupid things. Take risks that you wouldn’t dream of taking when sober. Like standing up and blurting out a lifelong secret!’
‘I wasn’tthatdrunk, not at all. And you and Jamie aren’t fourteen-year-olds, sharing a bottle of scrumpy at the bus stop. You’re fully grown adults!’
