‘Oh, it’s weird all right, but that doesn’t change the fact he’s not yours.’
His tone was loaded, hurt, and she knew it was about so much more than this one incident.
‘I don’twanthim to be mine. I don’t want him at all!’ She balled her fingers into fists, distressed at all that was unfolding. ‘I also don’t want my daughter to have to deal with the fallout of her aunty shagging her dad! I mean, what next? A relationship? More sex between them? We are twins!Identicaltwins! It’s ...’ Words other than ‘weird’ and ‘gross’ failed her, and she’d already used them.
‘Well, there’s lots of things that I don’t want.’ Here it was; she braced herself as he sat upright against the headboard. ‘We’ve laughed and joked for decades about your snooty sister, your smart-arse sister,the way Ruthie and Den coveted that bloody school, and you never thought to tell me?’
‘I didn’t know what to say or when to say it.’
‘Are you trying to tell me that in all the years we’ve been married, you haven’t been able to find a single suitable moment?’ He gave a wry laugh. ‘We talk abouteverything, we always have, only it turns out we haven’t, and I’m still trying to get my head around that.’
‘I’m sorry,’ she whispered, aware of the inadequacy of the words.
‘I’m sorry too. I don’t give a shit about what you did when you were a little girl, but I do care about what you’ve done every day since we’ve been together. I feel left out, like a bit of an idiot. What else don’t I know?’ He clicked on the bedside lamp; the light, usually soft and welcoming, was tonight stark, brutal. It was the worst feeling to know she had made him feel like this.
‘There’s nothing you don’t know.’ She hung on to his arm, imploring him to keep loving her, to forgive her.
He stared at her, the atmosphere in the room now quite charged.
‘What?’ she asked, his silent scrutiny uncomfortable.
‘You never say “our daughter”, you always say “my”.’
‘I meantours– of course I do!’ His expression was one of hurt, and to see it wounded her also, knowing she had inadvertently armed her words.
‘I’ve been her dad since she was little. Jamie’s never been there for her, not really, he just pops up at events, shouting! He’s not been there for her like I have!’
‘I know, Iknow.’ She too sat up straight and folded her arms across her chest, trying to contain the shame that she thought might spill from her. She felt physically sick. She had caused this, all of it.
‘I’m her dad. I am. I’m her dad.’ It was hard to hear the croak of emotion in his voice.
‘You are. You know you are.’
She moved across the divide, coming to rest against him, feeling his usually yielding body a little cool, a little strange to lean on, like they were strangers.
‘What the hell just happened, Ren? It was supposed to be a celebration. I’ve worked so hard to get Tony over here. We were so excited, and then, bam! Out of nowhere a fucking tornado struck!’
‘I’m ... I’m sorry.’ Those words, again. ‘I just, I don’t know, I wanted to tell everyone, wanted to get it out there!’
‘Well, you certainly did that.’ Midge put his arm around her and held her close. But there was something fundamentally different in the way it felt, a hesitation, the slightest formality in his manner, a subtle brittleness to his grip. She had caused this, aware that she had only spoken the truth earlier:We are, yes! We are perfect!
But what if we’re not?This thought left her reeling, her heart cleaved open at no more than the possibility.
And then she heard it, loud and clear in her mind –Oi!– and she jumped.
Midge held her tighter.
‘I guess there – there is something else.’ She closed her eyes. ‘Something I haven’t really ...’ It was easy to start, but a lot harder to finish.
‘Tell me.’ His tone was worried, as if wary of what revelation she might be about to make.
‘I am still a bit ... no’ – she shook her head – ‘stillveryscared of those men.’
‘What men?’ His voice was quiet now; she could feel his heart racing against her skin.
‘The men that attacked Tony and me. I still hear them shout at me, just before it all started, and it happens quite a lot, whenever I’m feeling vulnerable or stressed, or a million other times, I hear that shout and it’s like I’m still there in the car park, in the minutes before you came along.’
‘Why haven’t you said anything?’
