The moment Remy stopped speaking, she placed her hand over her mouth, instantly regretting every single word, as her tears sprang and ran over her clenched knuckles. The room seemed to grow smaller as there was a collective gasp. Her mother stared at them, her face pale. Midge seemed to study her, looking more than a little perplexed, and Sophie grabbed Elio, who leaned back against his mother’s legs.
She had half suspected that Ashleigh might come and stand by her side, take her hand, and explain how that long-ago day had unfurled, how Remy had found her in the cubicle, crying ... but that was not what happened. Instead, Ashleigh raced out of the house, leaving her quite alone to deal with the fallout. Her heart sank. Where was she going? It was dark outside, and it was their birthday!
One thing was, however, crystal clear and would be preserved in her memory for always: the way Midge now looked at her. It was a look she’d hoped never to receive from him, something close to disappointment, and a knife to her heart. It weakened her, made her feel vulnerable, and for a split second she remembered what it had felt like to sit on the damp cobbled floor wrapped in his coat, with blood in her mouth, one eye closed, as the blue light coloured the air and they wheeled her broken friend into the back of the ambulance. Or to sit in Jamie Aller’s shitty flat and wait for him to come home, while baby Sophie slept and she tried to stop trembling, feeling as if she could quite easily fall right through the floor.
‘Is this some kind of joke?’ Her mother was the first to speak.
‘No, Mum.Itook the exam.’ Calmer now, having hurled the verbal boulder, she saw how her parents stared at each other.
‘But ...’ Her dad’s eyes narrowed, head shaking, as if he couldn’t find the words.
Tony walked to Raul and leaned on him, as if he were his safe place, and she more than understood.
‘Are you kidding me?’ Midge muttered as he made his way past her, up the stairs and away from the party.
‘Wait, Midge ...’ She called after him, wanting him to hold her tight and tell her it was all going to be okay, because she had been ten, a baby, and it was a long, long time ago.
‘We’d, erm, we’d better be getting back to Mum’s.’ Tony looked a little flustered. ‘It’s been a long day, long journey and ...’ Even he ran out of words as he wrapped her in a hug and kissed the top of her head. ‘See you tomorrow, darling.’
Raul squeezed her hand as the two made their way out of the front door. It wasn’t quite the end to the party she had envisaged.
Sophie picked up Elio as Riccardo packed away the baby things.
‘We’d better make a move too, Mum. You’ve got a lot going on.’ Her oldest daughter seemed keen to get away. ‘Thank you for a lovely party, and happy birthday.’ Sophie kissed her cheek, and she held her hand briefly as they left.
Harper was nowhere to be seen, which wasn’t a surprise.
Bertie and Evie disappeared upstairs, and she was left with her parents, who sat clearly stunned by her revelation.
‘All that time.’ Her mum shook her head, as if the fact just wouldn’t land.
‘Why didn’t you say anything?’ her dad asked, softly.
‘I honestly didn’t think it was important, Dad. Didn’t think it mattered, not for the longest time, and by the time I understood that itmightmatter, years had passed, and I didn’t know how to tellyou. I was worried about what it might mean for Ashleigh, worried about what you’d think of me, and I didn’twantto tell you! Didn’t want it mentioned, not ever. I thought it was between us and that we’d got away with it and that we’d never talk about it and that would be that.’ She decided it was the time for complete honesty.
‘You’ve made us look so stupid.’ Her mum sniffed.
‘I haven’t! I didn’t mean ...’
‘Well, whether or not you meant it is another thing entirely, Remy, but nevertheless you have.’ Her mum stood and reached for her handbag. ‘What are we, monsters? So terrible that you couldn’t tell us?’
‘No! Not that, it was just this pressure ...’ she started, unsure how to finish.
‘Come on, Den.’ Her mum made the call to leave.
She watched her parents, shoulders sloping downward, trundle out into the darkness.
Remy looked around the room, the beautiful bunting Sophie had gone to so much trouble to make, the cake still on its stand, yet to have the candles lit or be cut. Her tears were drawn from deep inside, as she flopped down on to the sofa, riddled with regret, and wishing she had kept her big gob shut.
‘Where is everyone?’ Harper asked as she came down the stairs, reading book in her hand.
‘They’ve gone, darling. Evie and Bertie are in his room, Ashleigh’s gone out, your dad’s upstairs and everyone else is travelling home.’
‘What happened? Why are you crying?’ Harper tucked her hair behind her ears nervously and put her fingernail between her teeth to rip it. A habit Remy deplored.
‘I think I messed up, Harps.’ She nodded through her tears.
‘Wanna talk about it?’ Her daughter sat next to her, and Remy laid her head on her child’s narrow shoulder.
