‘What? You can’t deny it!’
‘I don’t deny it! But we were ten –ten! Babies! And as I always say to my kids, you can’t regret a decision you made if you made it in good faith at the time, and I did, I really did! I made the decision I thought was in your best interests, and that set wheels in motion and here we are!’
‘Yes, here we are, Remy. But you could have told the truth. Could have got me out of this.’
‘Got you out of it? What doesthatmean? My God, you look like you’re so mad at me right now!’ Her sister raised her voice.
‘I am! I told you I am. You made me the golden girl, and I’ve had to live up to that. What you did, it’s dictated so much of my life, trying to prove that I was worth that place, trying to live up to the person Mum and Dad thought I’d be once I’d been through the system at St. Jude’s, trying to pleaseeveryone, trying to be tough, trying to make money, trying to win!’
‘Win what?’ Remy’s expression told her that she just didn’t get it.
‘Approval! Affection! First place! A successful husband! A big house! A fast car! You fucking name it!’
‘I thought I did a good thing, I thought you wanted that place –neededit – and I didn’t give a shit where I went to school, not really. I was happy to stay with Tony, so it made sense to do it and hand it to you.’
‘Hand it to me!You just don’t get it, do you?’ It was in the moment impossible to pack the words away, to stop spewing truth at her sister. ‘I’m a fucking fraud, and I’ve been a fucking fraud since I was ten years old. Bogged down by the secrets I carry, and it’s been hard lugging that much weight. It meant I never felt like I’d earned my place at the table, like I’d got there through duplicitous means, not just at St. Jude’s, but everything that came after – university, landing a man like Archie, all of it! I had to try really hard, every single day, to be good enough. But I never was. I never could be! No wonder Archie chose Leni. Because I don’t deserve any of it, do I, Remy? Not the house, the job, my marriage, my kid, none of it!’
Remy stood now and stared at her, her face ashen, eyes close to tears, nose running, mouth twisted, voice hoarse with all it tried to contain. ‘Are you saying you blame me for every single thing thatyou have fucked up in your life because I did something with love that I thought was a good thing?’
‘I don’t know what I’m saying.’ Ashleigh thought she might throw up, as drinking wine on an empty stomach caught up with her.
There was a beat of silence as they mentally regrouped.
‘I thought – I thought I was doing a wonderful thing, a kind thing.’ Remy now sobbed, her voice quieter now. ‘We were just the littlest doves.’
‘We were, the tiniest doves, but it messed me up, Rem. I’ve spent my whole life trying to be as good as you, as brave as you, to be more like you in every way.’ She took a deep breath.
‘That’s ... that’s insane!’ Remy cried and wiped her face on her sleeve.
‘It’s not though. It’s the truth, and the worst thing, the very worst thing, is that for years, for nearly all of my life, I’ve been lying to Mum and Dad, so scared they might find out.’ Her tears came hard then, as she remembered what her dad had said to her earlier. ‘And when I told you, all those years ago, that it might be a good idea to tell them, you said I couldn’t!’
‘I did not!’ Her voice squeaked with indignation.
‘Youdid, Remy! You told me not to say anything.’
‘I don’t ... remember saying that. I remember saying we should be cautious, and I told you what that might mean for me, but I never said youcannot!’
‘But it’s true, whatever way you split hairs, youdid! And I felt I couldn’t say a word, aware of what it would cost you, cost me, but it’s changed my whole life. What you did changed my whole life, gave me a different life to the one I maybe should have had. I lost my foundation, my honesty, my authenticity. You took it from me.’ She had thought often about how it might feel to say it all, to get it all out into the open. It had, in her mind, felt a lot better than this.
‘Well, Ashleigh, the good news is I can fix it right now. I can fix it all! Because I can’t have this conversation with you again. I can’t live with it hanging over me, not anymore!’
She watched as her sister stood, raced across the patio, and threw open the back door. Ashleigh followed her, watching as Remy walked into the lounge, and began clapping loudly. ‘Everyone!’ her sister called. ‘Everybody, listen up!’
‘Remy!’ she shouted, wanting to stop this any way she could. ‘Remy, no!’
‘Shut up, Ashleigh!’
All present stared at them both. Ashleigh felt her face flush red.
‘I have an announcement.’
‘Remy!’ she shouted again, as Midge, Sophie, Bertie, Tony, her mum and all the assembled looked from Remy to her and back again; it was excruciating to be under the microscope. It was, however, too late for Ashleigh to stop her, as her sister did something that was crazy, stupid and risky, speaking quickly and loudly.Veryloudly, as her hideous, sparkly sunglasses rested on her head.
‘I would like to tell you all something that I probably should have said a long time ago. I owe it to my sister, to my parents, my husband, all of you, and it’s this.’ She paused, swaying slightly. ‘It was me that took the exam for St. Jude’s Academy. Me pretending to be Ashleigh, me that passed with flying colours, me that actually won the place and the full scholarship, and it was Ashleigh who hid in the mower shed, wetting her pants about it! And she’sstillwetting her pants about it, and so that’s why I need to tell you all, to make it stop. To make it all just ... fucking stop.’
Remy
As her arms fell to her sides, Remy was aware of the room spinning and that her speech had been hastily and carelessly delivered. She’d thoughtabout this moment, of course she had, imagined the after-effects of words that slid over her tongue and out into the world in an impetuous moment! Would she feel relief, freedom from the burden, finally erasing her sister’s icy glares, subtle gestures, and suggested negative outcomes, forever? It was nothing like she had imagined. Instead it was like standing in a blast zone, feeling the full force of detonation, and about as scary. She waited for the relief to kick in. It didn’t.
