‘I don’t know how my little girl gets over this, Enya.’ Jenny reached for the door-knob. ‘Truth is, I’m scared for her.’
‘I’m scared for all of them.’ She took a step closer to her friend. ‘And, and I just want to say that we’re more than their mothers, Jen, you and I. We’re friends too, the best of friends, outside of them, away from them.’
‘Are we?’ The retort was sharp.
‘I...’ Jenny’s reply had floored her. Enya didn’t know how to respond, maybe they weren’t, and this thought was the final knife in her gut. ‘Jen...’ Enya placed her hand on the woman’s narrow shoulder, feeling a terrible level of guilt for actions that were nothing to do with her. Jenny gave an almost involuntary shrug. It was the final act of separation. Enya removed her hand, which felt like a slap across the face, her words now forced through a throat narrow with distress. ‘No matter what happens, we’re going to share a grandchild, a little one who will love having their nanas living two doors apart. I know I would have thought that was brilliant.’
‘Really?’ Jenny looked skyward, her mouth tense, as the last vestiges of pretence fell away. ‘How exactly do you see that working, Enya? Holly and the baby in the kitchen, Aiden and his new wife in the lounge? Maybe you could make them all tea, offer cake?’
‘Yes. That’s exactly how I see it working, because it has to, because the thought of a little one being raised with this friction, this sadness and suspicion, it doesn’t bear thinking about.’
‘And whose fault is that?’ Jenny fired.
It seemed her friend needed to dig a bit deeper to remember that Aiden was indeed a good kid.
‘Not mine, Jen, and not yours.’ She held her ground.
‘I’d, I’d better go. And also, I wanted to say, that I erm, I appreciate the letter, but,’ Jenny took her time, ‘it would be easier for me, for us all, really, if we kept to ourselves.’
‘What doesthatmean?’ Enya swallowed the lump of distress.
‘It means what I said, that we shouldn’t be afraid to bump into each other, we live so close, but at the same time, we’re all a bit raw, a bit bruised, and so I’d appreciate it if you didn’t write to me again. I won’t be coming for a cup of tea or bringing you flowers or texting you something funny I’ve seen.’
‘Or letting me buy into the business?’ She felt the solid future she had constructed crumble away, and with it came the uneasy feeling of panic that she recognised.
‘It’s for the best,’ Jenny levelled.
‘You’reunfriendingme?’ she asked directly. ‘Reducing me to neighbour status. Ending our lovely friendship?’ She hated how her voice broke and the tears that now came with it. ‘What next? Am I going on your hate list? Oh, Jen...’
‘Not forever, I wouldn’t think,’ it wasn’t quite the denial Enya had hoped for, ‘it’s just better this way. Holly is hurt, Phil’s fuming and I’m—’
‘Yes, Jen, do go on, what areyouexactly?’ Finally, the woman turned to face her. Her words were slowly and deliberately delivered, as Enya wiped the tears from her eyes.
‘I am in the middle, Enya, holding steady the life raft on which everyone I love is resting and I’m bloody exhausted.’
‘Me too,’ she whispered, watching as her ex-friend and neighbour struggled with the door handle and made a mess of the simplest task, walking through the open door and out on to the path, faltering and threatening to trip as she did so. Enya understood, remembering in the wake of losing Jonathan, taking every step as if she had miscalculated at the bottom of a staircase and was unsure if she was safely planting her foot or tumbling into the abyss. It had taken months for her to remember how to walk properly.
She had quite forgotten this, in the way you did a toothache or an itch, erasing it from thought once you started healing. Not that she felt healed, not really.
Closing the door behind her, she made her way to the lounge and gently lowered the Roman blinds, wanting in that moment to shut the world out and to sit in the half-light, surrounded by the shadows of a life that felt as if it were falling away at the edges. In the middle of the neighbourhood that had once felt like her crowd but was shrinking by the day. Trying to picture what a life lived here without Jenny or, worse, having to avoid her, might look like. She sank down on to the sofa and curled her legs beneath her before firing off a text to Aiden.
Everything Will Be Okay. I Love You, Always X
It felt entirely necessary in that moment to tell him, understanding that the Hudsons weren’t the only ones who were a bit raw, a bit bruised. And feeling so utterly alone, wanting to reach out to the person who was left in her corner, her son. What she wanted, more than anything, was to feel Jonathan’s arms around her, holding her tightly, in the way that he did when things felt a little overwhelming. But no, the best she could hope for was to stare at him as he sat in his chair, legs outstretched, expression irritatingly impassive.
Enya hadn’t meant to fall asleep, but clearly she had as she was now woken by the sound of a gentle knock at the front door. Her first thought, her hope, was that maybe Jenny, having considered their earlier conversation, had come to make amends, to explain that she’d had a rethink and that yes, a cup of tea would be lovely. Her heart lifted at the prospect. She would forgive her, of course she would forgive her!
It wasn’t Jenny on the doorstep.
It wasn’t anyone she might have expected or was mentally prepared to welcome into her home.
‘Hello.’ Dominic smiled at her.
‘What, what are you...’ She ran the tip of her finger under her eye to check for sleep, knowing there was a good chance of a cushion crease on her cheek and that her hair would have gone full bird’s nest.
‘I know you probably don’t want to see me,’ he began, and she felt her gut fold. The truth was she did, she did want to see him, knowing it was unwise, dangerous even and certainly futile. ‘I’m not staying. I’ve taken on board what you said, about it not being a good idea for me to phone. I get it, but I can’t stand the idea of drip-feeding snippets back and forth with the odd text or stolen message, and I can’t abide the thought of all these thoughts spinning in my head wanting release. I just want the chance to say it all and to say it once. That’s it. Just once. If you’ll let me. I can do it here on the doorstep and then go. Five minutes.’
‘I...’ She was unsure of how to react, and she was a little bowled over by his presence, his face. ‘Come in.’
