It was both a delight and a relief to find Jenny on the doorstep. Enya felt her smile bloom wider than her head as her breath came in long, slow bursts of happiness. She must have read the letter and here she was! Her best friend washere! Joy beat in her breast. It was all going to be okay; it seemed the dust, if not settled, was certainly settling.
‘Hi, Enya.’
Her friend’s tone, however, was less than effusive. Her manner guarded, arms clamped to her sides, the avoidance of eye contact. It was hard to read what was going on behind Jenny’s facade. Enya figured it might just be plain old discomfort at how things had fallen off track for them, embarrassment, which, no matter how misplaced, she understood. But she was here now, and that really was all that mattered.
‘Jenny! It’s so lovely to see you! God, I’ve missed you! Come in, come in.’ Enya stood back to allow her entry, like she had a thousand times before, but never with this weight of relief to her bones. They walked into the kitchen.
‘I know Aiden’s not here. Phil called him earlier. He said he was on his way to the office, and then away for a couple of nights. Phil’s asked if he can see him when he’s back.’
Jenny’s tone was not that of the natural, smart, chocolate-hunting buddy who could make her laugh with no more than an anecdote about wanting to punch a child who had kicked Holly’s art project. It was formal, stiff and a little foreboding, words issued from a mouth that was thin.
‘Right.’ Enya understood that her dream of happily rekindling their friendship might have been a bit premature. She folded her arms around her waist, her smile faltering, as her optimism faded.Instantly, she felt protective of her son, knowing the prospect of his encounter with Phil would weigh heavily on him, and feeling raw and a bit stupid, having laid her emotions out in that letter that her friend had, thus far, failed to mention.
‘I’m, I’m sorry about the other night when he barged in like that.’ Jenny shook her head. ‘I told him not to come over when he was angry. He shouldn’t have done it, Enya. It was...’
‘I get it, Jen. I do.’
Not only did she understand how hurt manifested itself in all sorts of ways, she also didn’t think it was any woman’s responsibility to apologise for her husband. She pictured Trish and Dominic bickering in this very room as if it were second nature and therefore mattered little who else was around, the norm. He was right, it was ugly.
Her neighbour looked a little beaten, and a little distant. Ordinarily, Enya would hug her, offer tea, get to the root of what ailed her, find words, and make a plan to soothe her pain. But today she felt entirely unable to do so, an awful marker of how wide the gap was between them and how quickly it had formed.
‘Did you get my letter?’ she asked, with the vague hope that she had not and therefore her rather cool demeanour could be thawed with no more than a repetition of its contents face to face.
‘I did.’ Jenny bit her lip, and Enya felt her heart sink and her throat constrict. It was the most awful feeling in the world, understanding that there was to be no reprieve, no healing. It was worse somehow, the indifference, when she had laid her heart on the line. She felt sick.
‘I wish Jonathan was here,’ Jenny sighed, ‘he’d know what to say to calm Phil down, what to do.’
Enya nodded at this truth. ‘Not sure there is anythingtodo, Jen. We just need to be there for them both and make things better, not worse.’
‘Yep. I can’t believe she’s having a baby.’ Jenny allowed herself a fleeting smile.
‘We’re going to be grannies.’ Enya tried with the reminder to pull her friend closer. ‘It hasn’t sunk in for me really. I kind of vacillate between feeling overwhelmed with worry and delighted. Aiden went to see Holly last night.’
‘Yes, she said.’ Jenny took a moment. ‘She was a little bit calmer this morning. Aiden told her he’d carry on paying the rent so she could stay in the flat if she wanted. He’s going to take care of her financially until she can get on her feet. Said he’d go with her to her scans if she wants him to and that he’ll be there for them both, always.’
Enya felt a swell of relief that in this sense, at least, he was doing the right thing, displaying the kindness that she knew was in his character and the sense of responsibility they had instilled in him.
‘I keep trying to remind myself that he’s a good kid,’ Jenny closed her eyes and licked her bottom lip, ‘despite wanting to throttle him, and feeling floored by this bloody mess, I try to remember that deep down he’s a good kid.’
‘They both are, and something I think about a lot is that even though I’m in my fifties, I’m still figuring life out one day at a time. No one tells you that, do they? You kind of assume when you’re growing up that one day you’ll reach a point and have all the knowledge, know all the answers. But it doesn’t work like that, does it?’
‘No, it certainly doesn’t.’ Jenny shook her head.
‘And just when you think you might have a handle on life, something else comes along to pull the rug from under you and you’re on your bum again, scratching your head and wondering which way is up.’
She thought of Dominic,the way I feel, a little jittery, excited, it was like being seventeen again!A shiver of misplaced delight dancedalong her limbs. How she wished she could talk to Jenny about it all, knowing how much she’d value her wise counsel.
‘That’s about the sum of it.’ Jenny gave a short, unnatural laugh edged with fatigue. ‘Anyway, I just wanted to come over and say that I’m sorry about Phil barging in and losing it like that and that it mustn’t be awkward when we see each other, Enya, or bump into each other out and about, because that would only make things harder for the kids.’
‘And you read my letter, Jen, all of it?’ She hated how needy she sounded. ‘It’s just that, we’ve been mates for a long time. We have plans!’ she enthused, one final roll of the dice.
‘I did. I read all of it.’ There was an embarrassed moment of silence as her friend declined to expand on the topic. Enya felt her breath coming in short bursts, fighting the desire to sob. ‘Look, I’d, I’d better get back.’ Jenny pointed stiffly towards the front door, choosing not to grab the verbal vine Enya had thrown her. Leaving their plans dangling and unresolved and her heart a little broken. It was painful and smacked of the awkwardness they had only just agreed to avoid.
‘I just love you, Jen,’ she sniffed. ‘Are you sure you don’t fancy a cup of tea? I’ve got chocolate!’ Enya tried again, humbling herself because Jenny was worth it, her very best friend.
‘No, thank you,’ Jenny replied slowly and with a certain formality as she made her way along the corridor. ‘What’s she like?’ Her words spoken as she faced the front door, avoiding eye contact. There was no need to clarify who she referred to. And there it was, the reminder of why they had been cleaved apart.
‘Very different to Holly. Bit more, I don’t know, serious, reserved, I suppose.’ She felt the grip of disloyalty about her throat. ‘I’ve only met her once, briefly, and what can you tell about someone after one meeting?’
