Her eldest laughed at the offer from her fourteen-year-old who was not allowed to drink and had never, to her knowledge, offereda guest a beer. ‘No, but thanks, mate. I’ll come out in a bit, just chatting to Mum.’
It warmed her heart to see her sons so caring of each other, thankful every day for their easy camaraderie.
‘We could watch the rugby sevens; I’ve got it recorded!’ Rafe’s face lit up at the prospect.
‘I’d love that,’ Bear lied and she loved him for it.
Once Rafe had closed the door, Bear seemed a little more relaxed, as if his tears had been cathartic.
‘What’s he like?’ Bear chuckled as he wiped his face.
‘A nightmare! They both are!’ She smiled, full of love for this second round of motherhood, a gift that arrived when she’d least expected it.
‘I’ve never experienced anything like it, Mum. This girl ...’
‘So what happened? How did you meet? Tell me all about her.’
Harriet felt a stab of worry. Bear was a reliable, kind and gentle man, yet this seemingly all-encompassing, impetuous infatuation was so redolent of Hugo it was worrying. The last thing she wanted was for her son to lead a life like his dad, where the newest, shiniest thing was the most appealing and damn the consequences or the trail of destruction he left in his wake. Not that Bear was like his dad in that sense, but she’d be lying if she didn’t admit this was a concern. It was, however, impossible not to feel the power in his words, and she was keen to learn about this woman who had smashed his world into a million pieces.
‘I was up early and went for a wander down to Hele Bay Beach.’
‘I know it.’
She felt the familiar shiver whenever she thought about that town in North Devon and that terrible time in her life when loneliness and devastation had been her constant partners. How her weight had plummeted, and Ellis, her lifeline, had offered advice down the phone, and all the time she was smiling so hard that shethought her face might crack while her heart broke. It was an act she continued until she met Charles. It wasn’t until he told her quite plainly to stop smiling when she felt like crying; to be open, vulnerable, and to know it wasn’t a weakness, but was, in fact, a strength, that she was finally able to confront the fear that if she took her hand off the tiller, the whole family would flail against the rocks. It was a lovely way to live, safe in the knowledge that he understood all humans were flawed, fallible. Yet still, there was that paper cut of worry that she was in some way to blame, and just the thought that she might at some point in the future find herself once again on the edge of the abyss was almost more than she could stand.
She focused now on Bear.
‘I hadn’t been to Hele before, but walked out towards Hillsborough, dropped down over the headland and there was the bay. It was really quiet and there were a couple of people swimming and ...’ He paused and looked directly at her. ‘And I know this is going to sound weird and if it was someone saying it to me, I’d think it was bullshit, but I kind of felt her before I saw her. She walked out of the water and came towards me, and it was like a firecracker going off in my chest. I could hear this sound, like a note, like music, like ... I don’t know, clarity. Yeah, like clarity, as if the fog cleared in my mind. And this is the crazy bit,’ he qualified, ‘after one chat, which was unremarkable in content really, I’d have gone anywhere with her. Anywhere. I wanted to hold her, to talk to her, to be with her. And she’s been in my mind and behind my eyelids ever since.’
‘Bear!’ It was fascinating and she had no doubt about his strength of feeling, yet his quick-fire switch from Petra set alarm bells ringing.
‘Are you having an affair?’
‘What a bloody ridiculous thing to say to me! No!’
Hugo’s first denial, a lie that came so easily – and all that had followed.
‘I even sounded out her situation, one of the first things I ever said to her was, “You swim alone? You don’t drag your partner down here on dark, rainy mornings?” Trying to suss out whether she was married or single or whatever. I know I’ll never forget a single minute of the little time we’ve spent together. It’s like we fit together. Talking to her is so easy. We just natter away and if we’re quiet for a minute, that’s fine too. There’s not a drop of awkwardness. It felt entirely right to be with her. Every bit of it. Everything just as it should be as if I was in the right place with the right person and so was she.’
‘Wow, it sounds beautiful.’ And it did, but that was no guarantee of a solid future, of happiness, which was all she wanted for her son.
‘It is. Have you ever felt that way?’ He looked at her earnestly.
‘Truthfully?’ She took her time. ‘When I met your dad, we were babies really. Teenagers who thought we knew it all! He was very romantic, he’d say the most wonderful things to me and he was so much fun – I don’t need to tell you that!’ She pictured him, hogging the dancefloor, arms wide, shaking and moving with abandon, ignoring the tuts and elbows of the more sedate dancers. ‘We fell into our relationship and it was lovely, really lovely. A happy time for me. Then marriage and you and Dilly and our fabulous house in Ledwick Green, and I had no reason to question whether we were truly happy or whether we’d make it, because I assumed both of those things.’
It felt odd, she’d never spoken in detail like this to him or Dilly, not really. But it was time. She controlled the nervous flutter in her throat.
‘When things went wrong and we moved to Corner Cottage, I can’t describe the level of shock for me, how hurt I was. Every stepI took I did slowly, as if I couldn’t even trust the ground beneath my feet to hold fast. It was like living on a trapdoor that I knew at any second would open up and I’d drop for eternity. Freefall.’ Even remembering it sent a chilly quiver through her limbs. ‘And that’s the thing about these spontaneous heart-led decisions: they are exciting, physical, wondrous, but you need to be sure, Bear. You need to be certain that what you feel is the real deal and not just some distraction or worse, an alleyway that allows you to run from commitment to Petra.’ She watched his face fall. ‘The more people you rope in to the equation, the more people get hurt.’
‘I know that.’ He swallowed.
‘It was only when I started to come out the other side that I realised that maybe we weren’t truly happy and accepted that we weren’t going to make it. I think it says more about me than it does about Dad.’
‘He was the one who cheated.’
There was no mistaking the hurt that echoed in his words; he clearly didn’t recognise his behaviour as mirroring his father’s in any way.
‘Yes, but I guess the question is why, and that’s a complicated thing for another day, I think, Bear, darling, Hugo is not a bad person, and he’s a terrific father in many ways. We were just different people, on different pages, if not reading different books entirely.’ She gave a wry laugh. ‘And we ran out of love. That’s it.’
