‘And with Charles?’ He kept his voice low, his eyes darting to the closed door.
‘Charles and I are truly happy. I love him very much. Also a great dad.’ She smiled. ‘And I think the difference between Hugo and Charles is that Charles and I are really, really good friends. Best friends, in fact. It’s different, but good different. I treasure him.’ She paused. ‘But that instant thunderbolt, musical note of clarity that you describe so well ...’ She shook her head. ‘No, I’ve never hadthat. I guess I envy you a little bit, not that I want any more than I have, but it must feel ... amazing.’
‘It does.’ A smile briefly split his face, replaced by a look of hurt. ‘I cheated on Petra. But it didn’t feel like cheating. In fact, sleeping with Petra again, which I didn’t, would have felt like cheating.’
‘Well, I think cheating sucks.’ She tried to keep a note of neutrality. ‘I’ve been on the sharp end of it and it’s awful, soul-sapping.’ She spoke openly, wanting to drive home the harmful nature of his actions.
‘I’m not like Dad!’ he pressed, his distress evident.
‘I don’t think you are,’ she levelled. ‘Not as a person and not in your intentions, but I have to be honest and say that you need to be aware of how decisions you make set you on a path. Your dad wasn’t a serial cheater or womaniser – whatever you want to call it – not when he only cheated with Wendy. One indiscretion, that was all. But I guess the thrill and the ease of it became attractive to him. I don’t know, and I can’t speak on his behalf. It’s unfair. I just don’t want you to hurt or get hurt.’
Bear looked deep in thought.
‘You’re not a bad person. Quite the opposite.’
‘Thank you, Mum.’
‘What’s her name?’
His face broke into a smile at the mere prospect of saying her name. ‘Tawrie Gunn. Her name is Tawrie Gunn.’
‘Oh my!’ To hear the name after all these years was like stepping back in time. With her hand at her throat she thought about that day when she and Tawrie’s mother had stepped over the threshold.
‘What’s wrong? Are you okay?’ He leaned forward, staring intently.
‘Tawrie Gunn!’
‘Do you know her?’ His voice had gone up an octave.
‘I don’t know her, but I have met her, once. We were staying in Corner Cottage when her father was killed in an accident.’
‘Yes, yes I know about it.’
‘You had a play date with Tawrie before her father first went missing.’
‘What? Are you kidding me? That’s insane!’ His mouth fell open, eyes lit up, and his body jumped, as if delighted by the thought.
‘No, I’m not kidding. I haven’t thought about it for yonks, but I seem to remember the play date was a bit of a disaster and of course it all got overshadowed by what came next.’
‘That’s ... I don’t know what to say!’ He ran his palm over his face.
‘I had a coffee with her mother. She was sweet, I remember, and then when I next saw her, it was when I was leaving Ilfracombe, heading off to stay with Aunty Ellis, and you, Dills and Dad were going back to the house in Ledwick Green. She stuck in my mind. Annalee, that’s her name, Annalee Gunn. She was so pretty and she and her husband were so into each other, like the rest of the world was an inconvenience.’
It was only after she’d spoken that she recognised the similarity between what she’d seen and what Bear described. His eyes were wide, gaze intent, as if the discussion of this woman who he claimed had stolen his heart had given him a glimpse of something so wonderful she lived behind his eyelids.
‘I only saw her that one time after and she looked very different. She’d got old and frail and hollow and broken overnight. I didn’t know what to say or whether to say anything. You were all in the car and I caught her eye as she walked up towards the slipway. I reached out and rubbed her arm and she nodded once, as if even that was more than she could manage. And that little girl. Tawrie, your Tawrie.’
‘Yes.’ He nodded. ‘My Tawrie. Although not my Tawrie right now. She told me to sod off to London and not to go back. She thinks I lied through omission, and I did, technically.’
‘There’s nothing technical about how the heart conducts itself, that much I have learned. It’s an emotional, illogical thing that will heal in its own time.’
‘What helped your heart to heal?’ He looked up at her, his eyes mournful.
It didn’t fully... She coughed to clear her throat and stop these words from escaping.
‘Time. That was it, really.’ She let the words settle. ‘After the initial hurt, when I found about Hugo and Wendy, came anger, then a small amount of bitterness, jealousy even.’ It wasn’t easy to admit. ‘Then when I realised that I couldn’t change what had happened, couldn’t reset, I felt powerless, which was a horrible feeling. Also getting so wrapped up in my hurt that it took me a while to fully process the fact that I didn’t actually want to go back to someone who didn’t want me, and so if I didn’t want him, if Iacceptedthe new direction my life was going in, then why did I need to be so angry? I didn’t, was the truth. It meant my load was lighter, my thoughts clearer and then I met Charles, as if the universe was telling me I was ready.’
‘Was it easier between you and Dad once you’d met Charles? Like you had your ally?’
