‘I don’t think golden exists, not any more,’ she admitted.
‘Maybe you’re right.’ Her sister tapped her large silver ring against the china mug. ‘I’ve been through a whole range of emotions in the last couple of weeks, including considering emigrating and taking Dilly and Bear with me so I never have to give them back. I adore them. They’ve been hilarious, and so sweet! I’d forgotten this lovely stage before they get to grumpy teenager and communicate in grunts. Bear actually wanted to watch TV with me and Dills let me brush her hair!’
She knew her sister was painting a picture, easing her guilt, letting her know that the kids were fine.
‘Thank you, Ellis.’
‘Any time. I mean it. I’m always on the end of a phone for whatever you or the kids might need.’ Harriet noted the absence of Hugo on the list. ‘I can pick you up from anywhere, come to where you need me. I have fold-out couches, a larder full of pasta, a deep tub, bubble bath and enough wine to see us through to the early hours. You only have to call me. Any time, day or night. And you can stay for as long as you need. Forever! I mean it.’
‘I’ll be fine.’ She conjured a small smile; her sister’s words were well meant, but they spoke of failure, hinting that this emotional rescue service was there forwhenshe needed it, notif.‘We’ll be fine.’
Ellis leaned forward and took her hand, letting their palms fall entwined on to a cushion.
‘You’re smart, Hats, the smartest and the kindest, and you’re beautiful. I need you to know that you never have to put up with a situation that is anything less than you deserve. Never.’
‘Do you think ...’ She chose her words carefully, wanting to hear her sister’s predictions and yet dreading them in equal measure. ‘Do you think wecanfix things?’
Harriet noted how Ellis took her time responding, her gaze fixed on the bright mug. Her hesitation spoke volumes and herheart sank accordingly. ‘It’s hard, and I try to walk in your shoes. I do. Nothing has been done to me, I’m only an observer. I’ve not been injured by Hugo in the way you’ve been and yet I feel a murderous rage on your behalf. I wake in the early hours shaking, thinking of all the things I want to say to him and to her. How dare he?’ She took a beat. ‘So I can only begin to imagine how you’re feeling.’
‘Not rage, not how you describe it. I mean, I do imagine confrontation in my wilder moments, but if I saw her again, I’d probably choose to ignore her. She knows so much more about me than I do about her; the fact that she had a secret, came into my home, touched my things. How does a woman do that to another woman?’ She double blinked away the images that formed. ‘That knowledge kind of puts me on the back foot. I’d be wary that she might give me more information than my brain can cope with, paint new pictures to taunt me in the night. Yes, I’d ignore her, I would. I’d walk away. Concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other as I have been over the last few weeks.’
‘You look ...’ Her sister seemed to be studying her face, and she felt her cheeks flame under the scrutiny. ‘You look so sad.’ Ellis rubbed the back of her hand with her thumb.
‘I am very sad. Sad and disappointed. Even a little embarrassed.’
‘You have no reason to be embarrassed, none at all. You’ve been quite remarkable throughout the whole thing, but that’s not a surprise – you are remarkable.’
‘I’m really glad you’re here.’ She tucked her sister’s compliment in a pocket beneath her heart.
‘Me too.’
‘I’ve felt quite lonely. It’s isolating – not being on an even keel with Hugo means things feel out of whack, and not knowing anyone here who I can go for a coffee with or offload to doesn’t help.Mind you’ – she took a slug of tea – ‘it’s not as if I’d have people to chat to back in Ledwick Green. Not now.’
‘What’re you talking about, you know loads of people there!’
Ellis, it seemed, had not fully completed the complex mental jigsaw of just what Hugo’s infidelity meant.
‘Yes, but by my reckoning, a third of those will take Wendy Peterson’s side: “How dare Hugo mess around with a young divorcee, have his wicked way and then bugger off to North Devon, what a horrible man!” I can hear them saying it over a cup of tea. A third will absolutely love the scandal, letting the juicy details liven up their dreadfully boring lives, making me the centre of that gossip and revelling in the chat about how, where and why it all happened. Raking over my life rather than the dead leaves that gather on their veranda. And the other third will pull up the drawbridge, shield their kids from the unsavoury goings-on at our end of the village, and their view of me will be forever shaded by the event. In fact, not just their view of me, but of us – the kids too – and likely they’ll never speak of it or to me again.’ She took a slow breath. ‘That’s the thing about being golden, people want to be close to it, hoping some of it might rub off on them. The stink of an affair is just the same in reverse – people don’t want to be close to it in case the stink rubs off on them.’
‘Jeez!’
‘Yep, Jeez indeed. Welcome to village life!’ She raised her mug in a toast.
‘Could it be you’re better off out of it?’ Her sister spoke softly. ‘I mean, not the marriage, and it goes without saying that I hate how you’ve got here, but those people who were your friends, your neighbours, they actually sound like arseholes.’
‘Some, yes.’ She smiled at her sister’s astute summary. ‘But there were some I was fond of and some things I will always miss. The house my babies grew up in for starters, the lovely garden Iplanted.’ She pictured her and Hugo dancing in the kitchen, wine in their veins, laughter on their lips, love on their minds. ‘Lots of things.’
‘Of course. It’s doubly hard because everything happened on your doorstep.’
‘Worse than that, it happened inside our doorstep, in our home, in our bedroom, on sheets I laundered.’ Harriet pinched the top of her nose.
‘God, Hats, I could swing for him right now.’
‘That wouldn’t solve anything.’ She couldn’t deny it felt good to have this unconditional support.
‘No, but it might make me feel better, even if only briefly.’ Ellis released her hand and balled her fingers into a fist. It made Harriet laugh awkwardly.
‘It’s not just in the village. I haven’t even begun to think about the repercussions at school. Wendy’s son is in Dilly’s class.’
