‘I’m going away. Moving to Exeter to study, to become a nurse.’
‘Wow!’ Annalee looked a little shocked. ‘I think ... I think that’s amazing.’
‘You do?’ Her heart lifted at the reaction.
‘Yes, it takes courage to change your life. Courage I can’t seem to find.’ She gave a false, sharp laugh.
‘I think you can find the courage and I also want to talk to you about Dad; the two things seem kind of connected.’
‘What do you want to know?’ She looked up at her for the first time.
‘Everything!’ This was the truth; her thirst for the detail that would help build the picture of him could never be sated.
Annalee took a deep breath, as if mentally regrouping. ‘It’s not been easy for me.’
Tawrie didn’t try to fill the silence that followed, giving Annalee time and space to talk.
‘I loved him. Loved him so much, still do.’ This time her smile was soft. ‘He was perfect. Perfect for me. He was all I ever wanted. Good-looking, funny, and he adored us.’
‘Did he ever wear nail polish?’ It was a question from left field that she’d wanted to ask for the longest time, but had never felt able to because the topic of Dan was almost taboo in the Gunn house. The snippet of memory, those hands lifting her up to see over the harbour wall and feeling so safe, so very safe.
Her mum laughed loudly and unexpectedly, instantly placing her palm over her less than perfect teeth. ‘Yes! You liked to paint his nails and he’d let you! His big old hairy hands with purple nail polish on them! His mates used to rib him but he didn’t care, said they could hold a pint or throw a punch just the same. That shut them up!’
Purple nail polish with tiny flecks of glitter.She could see it now, smell the acetone ...
It was with relief and a burst of joy she had the memory confirmed as real. A small part of him that she would carry forever.
‘You also used to make him whistle. He had the loudest whistle of anyone on earth and you found it hilarious! It’d send you into giggles!’
Tawrie looked down as her tears gathered.
‘Did he drink too?’ It was another blunt ask that had been simmering away in her thoughts for some time.
Annalee shot her a look and Tawrie knew the addition of the word too, which had just slipped out, was as telling as it was incendiary.
Her mum shook her head. ‘Neither of us were big boozers. I mean, the odd glass, beer gardens in the summer. He liked a pint with Sten and at the Gunn Fire, of course, but not really.’
‘So you started drinking, after ...’
‘I don’t drink that much. You make me sound like some old wino and I’m not.’
Tawrie stared at her, unsure of where to go in the face of this self-delusion and with little energy for another row, especially today.
‘I don’t know what to think, Mum. Since he died, it’s been chaos. Chaos and sadness for all of us. I’m guessing it must be as exhausting for you as it is for us. I know you like to go out and meet ... people.’
‘People? Men, you mean. I like to meet men, is that what you’re driving at?’ Annalee scratched at her scalp with her dirty fingernail.
‘I guess so. I just think you’re worth more, that’s all, and it was hard to know how to intervene when I was a kid and, truthfully? I’m just twenty-nine and I still don’t really know how to say what I think, or what to do to help you.’
‘I don’t think anyone or anything can help me.’ Her mother pulled a cigarette from a packet and placed it on her bottom lip. Using a disposable lighter to set it alight, she inhaled the noxious smoke like it was fresh air. Tawrie hated the smell.
‘I’ve felt responsible for you for so long, and always hated how I can’t fix things. I think me going away will be good for you in some ways. I won’t be there to worry and you’ll have to take a bit more responsibility and keep an eye on Nan.’
Her mother gave a wry laugh. ‘You’re not responsible for me and you certainly can’t fix things, Tawrie.’
‘I wish ...’ She floundered. What did she wish?
‘To what, wave a magic wand?’ Annalee suggested. ‘Turn back time?’
