Domino sucked in her cheeks; Julie could see she was trying not to laugh. It made her uncomfortable, the unkind name-calling, the backbiting – and the fact that Domino was on board bothered her even more. Lawrence, however, wasn’t done.
‘You know when you read about those people who get stranded in the bush or up a mountain track in the snow and they have to live off dew and fingernails just to survive? Well, that could never happen to Georgie; he’s probably got enough calories lurking in that vehicle to keep him going for months!’
Domino laughed out loud. Cassian ignored him.
‘At least heownshis car.’ Julie knew this was a match to kindling but couldn’t help it. It just slipped out.
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ Lawrence, sobering a little, turned to face her.
‘Nothing.’ She glanced in the rear-view mirror, and then at her husband, meeting his gaze, trying to indicate that she didn’t want to have this row, not tonight and not in front of their children. Even though it was she who had started it.
‘No, come on, Jules, what d’you mean by that? You can’t just say something like that and then stay schtum.’
She could smell the acrid tang of wine on his breath and knew he was not going to let it go. The best she could hope for now was to put the topic to bed before they arrived at her in-laws for more gaiety. What did she have to lose?
‘I guess what I mean is that you might not approve of his car or think he’s a suitable match for your sister, but no one can take his car away from him. He’ll be ferrying his little baby around when it arrives, and Cleo can sleep at night knowing they’re safe.’
‘You think I don’t keep my family safe?’ he asked. The crack in his voice was like a knife to her gut.
Julie shook her head. ‘No, you keep us safe, you just don’t ...’ She bit her lip, wanting to get the words right, and again wishing the kids weren’t within earshot, but what did it matter? It wasn’t as if they were ignorant of their current situation. The sham that was their high life.
‘Don’t what?’ He coughed to clear his throat and the emotion it suggested tore at her heart.
‘I sometimes think that you don’t know what’s important.’ There. She had said it.
He exhaled as if someone had punched his gut.
‘I don’t know what’s important?’ He rubbed his fingers over his stubbled chin. ‘You think I don’t lie awake at night, tossing and turning, trying to figure out ways to hang on to what’s important?’ Again, he laughed and shook his head. The tension in the car rose and she gripped the steering wheel as her heart raced. How she hated the predictability and futility of their rows. It was utterly exhausting. This in part because she knew there was no neat solution, no moment of reconciliation and harmony. Instead, just this endless hot ember being passed back and forth, back and forth between the two of them. It was impossible for either of them to avoid getting burned.
‘No, I think you do lie awake at night. In fact, I know you do as you disturb me with all your tossing and turning, but that’s kind of my point; you don’t need to worry about hanging on to anything, it would be better for us all if you could let things go.’
‘I can’t win!’ he yelled.
‘Here we go.’ Domino spoke to her brother but loud enough for them all to hear.
‘No, I’m sorry, Dom, but your mother can’t be saying things like that and not expect me to respond. Explain to me exactly what you mean by I “don’t know what’s important”?’
Taking her foot off the accelerator, Julie let the car slow, wanting to give them as much time to clear the air and settle down before they arrived at Winnie and Bernie’s. Not wanting to walk into the home of her in-laws with words of discord spiralling above their heads like halos of discontent.
She drew breath, took her time. Where to begin?
‘I guess there was a horrible moment when Bernie was giving his speech, that I thought you were going to offer to buy the champagne for the table.’ She glanced over at her husband, who stared out of the window, his eyes avoiding hers.
‘Nope. That was never going to happen. You misjudge me. So I guess there’s not much more to say about it.’
‘Jesus Christ,’ she sighed. He had asked her to elaborate, and this was his response! She now wantedhimto shut up! Wanted the talking to stop! So sick of the words they chased around on an endless bickering loop, making her want to pull her hair out. This was her life, treading water, trying to keep her head above the rising flood while all they had worked for floated away and all she could do was watch and offer platitudes, trying to reassure her kids that it would all be okay, if they could only just hang on for a little bit longer ...
‘Jesus Christ? You think he’s going to help?’ Lawrence whipped around to face her and just like that they were off again.
‘Oh, Loz, I know he can’t help. I’ve been asking him for help for the last eighteen months and it turns out both he and I are fresh out of ideas.’ She gripped the steering wheel, worried as ever about rowing in front of the kids, but also relishing the chance to clear theair, to discuss their current situation at all, when more often than not her husband was either absent or evasive.
Domino put her ear buds in and closed her eyes. Julie could just make out the tinny echo of the music as she nodded her head. She envied her daughter the escape.
‘Can’t we leave it, just for one night?’ Lawrence raised his voice. ‘Can’t you just get off my case?’
‘Sure. Let’s do that.’ She felt the pulse in her neck. Shehadn’tbeen on his case, but this was always his defence, a deflection, with the focus on hernagging, hermadness, herselfishnature, herfault... She knew it was all utter bollocks, but it didn’t make having to take it on the chin any easier. She concentrated now on the road ahead, wending her way to her in-laws, where Winnie would no doubt be in full shout mode and Bernie would be weeping with joy, and quietly mumbling clichés that she had long since felt to be irritating and verging on the insincere. It was as if the old man figured he could use his words as sticking plasters to hold together all that was fragile and all that threatened to fall apart.
Some hope ...
