Oh god. The cliché of it all doesn’t make it hurt any less. I amheartsick. Four years later, I finally understand the gravity of the word.
I take slow, even breaths and keep my eyes trained on his, determined to salvage as much dignity as possible. “Cool. About what?”
He frowns. “It was great, obviously…”
“But?”
He runs his tongue across the inside of his cheek. “Fox seems a lot like me.”
“You think?” I pretend to consider this; meanwhile, I’m in a full mental spiral. “I mean, I guess so. I didn’t do it on purpose.”
His expression flickers. “You’re telling me it’s a coincidence?”
I shrug as blood rushes to my face. It’s not fair that he knows I love him; I just barely found out myself. I didn’t even get a full day to love him before having it crushed under his heel.
“Sorry. If you hate it, I can change him in the next draft. I’ll give him two blue eyes like every other boring character.”
“I’m not mad; I just want to know what you were thinking.”
“I don’t know. When I was writing, you kept popping into my head.”
He steps toward me. “And what does that mean, Mars?”
“It means nothing. It doesn’t have to be a big deal.”
“Is that what you want?”
“What else is there?” I throw my hands up in surrender, and a shadow crosses his face. If I didn’t know better, I’d think it was hunger. “Isn’t that whatyouwant?”
“Last night I drove to Casa Grande to see Bethany.”
Damn, what a swift return to reality. “I hope you both had a great time.” My voice is hoarse as I try not to cry.
“Not really. I broke up with her.”
Time stops.
My heart beats deliberately against my ribs, like someone knocking at the door to be let in. “Why?”
He takes another step toward me, backing me up against the brick. We’re close enough to touch, but instead he rests his forearm on the wall above my head. “Why do you think, Mars?”
I shake my head, too afraid to hope. If I can write three hundred pages that bleed the same sentiment, he can say it once out loud.
His gaze sharpens. “Because I can’t stop thinking about someone else.”
My breath turns shallow as his tongue darts across his lower lip. “If her name is Juniper, you should know she doesn’t exist.”
Amusement ghosts over his features. “And if my name is Fox?” He tips his head lower, until the tip of his nose brushes mine.
“Don’t flatter yourself,” I murmur.
He laughs softly. “It’s always been you, Mars.”
“Don’t lie.” I turn my head; he backs up just enough to give me room to breathe. “Things between us have been different lately. Weird.”
He nods. “I had to pull back, because every time I read one of your stories or watched your eyes light up in excitement, I knew I wanted you. It was shitty to Bethany and shitty to you, and I got so fucking sick of myself I could hardly stand it.”
I’ve never been so close to what I want and so scared of having it disappear. “What changed?” My voice shakes in time with my knees.
