He was right, I had.
“The porch swing is a judgment-free space,” I said, loosely quoting my nana. “Sorry.”
“Apology accepted. Less judging, more hugging. We’re all broken people.”
Maybe we were.
My phone buzzed. I snatched it off the swing’s cushion to find a photo of Jaz inside the front hall of the Neely house, looking exhausted. Her accompanying text was brief:Home safe. Everything okay. Will tell you the whole story tomorrow if you still want to hear. I’m sorry. Please don’t hate me.
I blew out a hard breath and typed a quick response to thank her for letting me know. “She’s okay. Guess you knew what you were talking about,” I said, showing Seb the photo.
Seb breathed a sigh of relief, and then a silence stretched between us. I was thinking about Jazmine, wondering what she’d talked about with Paul, and whether they were... a concern. But I soon became increasingly aware of Seb’s leg shaking next tomine. He was anxious. He could never sit still when something was bothering him.
I slowly reached out and put a gentle hand on his leg to settle the nervous shaking.
Big eyes blinked at me. “Sorry.”
“Don’t be, it’s fine.”
“No—” He squeezed his eyes shut. “Listen, Paige. I’m sorry foreverything. For being a total prick when we were younger, and for ditching my friends for the likes of Pretty fucking Paul.” His face was long and anguished as he struggled for words. “I’m... I’m sorry I couldn’t fix things with my dad, because if I hadn’t been a dick to him after the Ferrari incident, maybe he wouldn’t have sent me away. And if I hadn’t been sent away, then I would’ve been here when Nana Malone died.”
He was upset. More than he should be.
“It’s okay, really.”
“It’s not, but I want it to be. When I got back home after Milwaukee, I knew the first thing I had to do was own up to my mistakes, okay? I knew I’d fucked up with the Wags... like, years of fuckery. I was just so lost...” He shook his head. “When I got back, I went to Benny to apologize, then to Jaz. And I tried to come to you. I... drove out to Cambridge.”
“What?” Everything felt hot inside. I had no idea what he meant. “No, you didn’t.”
He nodded. “Punkin and I. You’d been there only a couple weeks, so I guess it had been a month after the funeral. I found your dorm, and I saw you walking out of it with another girl. Looked like you were headed to class, in a deep discussion about something.” He blinked several times. “You looked... like you were in the right place. You know, beautiful campus, surroundedby history and academia... It took my breath away, honestly, seeing you there.”
“Seb...” I whispered, overwhelmed.
“I knew I didn’t belong there,” he argued. “Didn’t probably even deserve to be standing on campus. I worried maybe I’d be making things worse, distracting you. I didn’t know how you were coping, after the funeral, and maybe me showing up wouldn’t be the best thing. So I just drove back home.”
“You went all the way out there... ?”
He didn’t reply, but his eyes were glossy with emotion, and we couldn’t stop glancing at each other. Everything he’d told me tumbled around in my head, and I didn’t know what to do with any of it. I felt guilty that he’d driven all the way out there for me while I’d been utterly oblivious. As if it were another example of how I wasn’t paying attention to the people who needed me. Him. Jaz. Maybe even Benny, too.
But more than that, I couldn’t stop thinking how Seb had been all over the place the past couple of years. Driving across states. Living in weird places. Surviving. The kid I’d known my whole life being forced to grow up faster than any of us, roaming the frozen northern wilds without family or friends. Being one step away from homelessness even now.
My heart squeezed.
We were quiet for a time as Punkin slowly nosed her way up the beach, back to the porch.
“Listen. You can crash here,” I said in a low voice. “For the summer. You can have Nana’s...” I blew out a breath. “You can take the second bedroom.”
A jumble of emotions crossed his face. “Paige, whoa. I...”
“I know it’s kind of weird, but we’ll figure it out. Maybe agreeon some house rules... ?” What those would be, I wasn’t sure. I was riffing. “I mean, you were already staying here before I showed up, and you need to know where you’re going to sleep every night—a place to eat and wash your clothes. You shouldn’t have to play musical chairs. It’s not healthy.”
“It keeps me on my toes.”
“You’ve got a freaking dog, Seb. You both need stability. Crash here for the summer and get your shit together. I don’t know about after I go back to Harvard—if I even can go back.”
“Hey! Don’t put it out there in the universe. You’re going back. I’ll help you get in touch with your dad. You’ll get what you need.”
He sounded a lot surer than I felt. Even now, I desperately wanted to pick up my phone and check my email one more time for a message from my father.
