I unzipped the bag that was slung across my chest and dug out a business-size card. I watched his face as he read it:
I have aphasia as a result of a head injury. That means I occasionally have difficulty expressing myself, and I sometimes may not remember certain words when I’m under pressure. You can help by speaking clearly, taking things slowly, and giving me extra time.
“Damn. Bet you hate giving this out,” he said.
I held up a single finger. “One time. That was it. The look on the guy’s face…” I shook my head. “Nothing but pity. I couldn’tdo it again. The humiliation… easier to suffer through it.”
“Understandable,” he said, gazing at me from the corners of his eyes. “I’d choose pride over pity any day.”
That I believed. Fen was definitely proud. It was etched into every line of his face. “It wasn’t pride, exactly. I’m not strong. I’m a coward.”
“Seem plenty strong to me. The cowards I’ve known always pretend they’re not afraid.”
I didn’t know how to answer that. “Anyway, the cards were from my speech therapist, and I don’t really need them anymore. It’s mostly okay these days. At the beginning, I had to relearn how to talk. They said I should be recovered by now, but you know… it lingers on.”
“Like a ghost.”
“Guess we’re both haunted,” I said with a tight smile.
He stuck his fork in the goopy pile of fries and left it standing up. “I need to know something. Was it an accident, you falling in the dam? Or were you sad about Eddie? Did he do something to you? Reject you? Did you… fall on purpose?”
I blinked at him. “It was an accident.”
“I want to believe you,” he said in a low voice, dark eyes locking on mine.
My throat tightened. I had to push out my words. “Really don’t need you to. It’s my past, not yours. Just because you happened to jump in the water on instinct doesn’t mean I owe you answers. You don’t bond with the ER surgeon who saved your life. He’s not showing up at your door, telling you that stitching youup really messed him up, and that’s your fault for walking into the ER that day.”
He flinched as if I’d physically wounded him, and the air between us changed. I could feel him withdrawing, him and his intense energy. And I didn’t know what to do about it.
Okay, so, maybe Iwasbeing a little unfair. Enough that I felt pretty awful.
They didn’t go over this in my therapy. There wasn’t a handout for How to Interact with the Boy Who Saved Your Life at my doctor’s office. But first, I thought I had already been interacting with that boy—Eddie. He was easy and cool, and he never wanted to talk about that night at the dam or my injury. So we just ignored it. Fine by me.
Now here came Fen. My actual rescuer—because my boyfriend had been lying to me forwhyyy? Yet Fen wanted to do nothingbuttalk about it. I was mad that Fen needed something from me. And mad that I didn’t know what that was. I felt like he was one of those giant mega-size cups you get at fast-food restaurants, and I didn’t know how to fill him up.
He started to get up from the table, but I put my hand on his arm to stop him, then immediately took my hand away. It felt weird to touch him, too intimate.
But he sat back down.
I turned to face him, careful to keep a little distance between us. “I’m really sorry I said that. I didn’t mean it. I just don’t… This is new to me? I’m confused.”
“No, you’re right. It’s not your responsibility to fix me.Besides, what do I have to complain about? I’ve always caused all my own problems, as my father likes to remind me.”
That sounded sad, but I didn’t know what to say. “Your dad surprised me. When I met him at Mad Dog’s? I guess because Eddie talks about your dad like he’s a god, and because he’s Serj Sarafian. A legend. I don’t know. I just expected him to be super excellent. Like your mom.”
“He’s a salesman and a shark. If you’re in the market for what he’s selling, he’s all charm. If not, you’re the sidewalk below his feet. He just walks right over you.”
“People are never what you expect.”
His gaze flicked over my face. “No, they are not,” he said softly.
“Fen?”
“Uh-huh?”
“What did you mean about your dad sending Eddie to the Philippines when we were talking about Velvet and the drugs?”
He laughed without humor. “Always comes back to Eddie.”
