I want to, Baz thought, and was surprised at how true the words rang in his mind. He untangled his hands from Kai’s and reachedfor his collar, eyes searching Kai’s desperately, thinking those words again.I want to.And because they were the truth, plain and simple and beautiful, they gave him the confidence to tug Kai closer, bringing his mouth down to his.
There was no hesitation in Kai. He grabbed Baz’s face in his hands and deepened the kiss as if he’d been drowning until now, a man deprived of breath finally breaking though the surface and eager to fill his lungs.
A small sound rumbled at the back of Baz’s throat. There was a want inside him that he’d never felt before, a desire that was clearly echoed in Kai. It left no room for questions. No burdening thoughts of,Did I misread the signs?orHave I made a horrible mistake?Nothing but a sense of rightness that blossomed and bloomed and expanded in Baz’s chest. It was as if he and Kai had been heading here since the moment they met, two opposites beached on the same island, tortured souls learning to fill that space together and make it their own. Their home.
And now they were each other’s only tether to that home, that sense of belonging. It was familiar and safe just as much as it was invigorating. Baz wanted to cling to this feeling and never let go.
Kai pulled away suddenly. Baz chased after his lips, wanting to keep melting into his kiss, but Kai leaned back farther, stopping Baz with a hand to his chest.
All the doubts and questions surfaced then, piercing through the blissful haze in his mind. Baz saw them reflected in the midnight depths of Kai’s eyes. The Nightmare Weaverneverdoubted himself. He didn’t show fear or hesitation or regret. But this was not the Nightmare Weaver. This was Kai, staring at Baz without all those layers of bravado. Only a boy, vulnerable and unsure of himself. A mirror reflecting back all that Baz felt.
Just as Kai was about to say something, a stern-faced librarian came bursting into the secret room, staring open-mouthed at thedamage. Baz and Kai let go of each other, but not before she saw them entwined. She pursed her lips with displeasure, just as Luce appeared behind her with an apologetic wince.
“Out,” the older librarian barked. “The library is no place for…this.”
As Baz and Kai rushed out the door, they heard her grumbling to Luce. “Secret library rooms for secret rendezvous. Humph! Not on my watch.”
53KAI
HUDDLED AROUND A TABLE INa quiet corner of the library, Clover and Thames spent what felt like hours asking hushed questions about what Collapsing was like—hanging on to every detail about silver blood, how it ran red again unless stoppered by the Unhallowed Seal, how the Selenic Order in their time had used that silver blood to create synthetic magics—and through it all, Kai could only think about Baz kissing him.
He found himself sneaking glances at Baz whenever he wasn’t looking, committing to memory the shape of his mouth, the way it had pressed against his neck, how it had felt against his own. How those lips had chased his after Kai pulled away.
Doubt and fear were things Kai rarely let himself feel, but he’d felt it all in that one great, terrifying moment. He wasn’t sure if Baz truly wanted this. If he might have felt pressured into the kiss by Kai’s harsh words leading up to it. Baz definitely noticed him staring at him now, his cheeks going pink as he spoke with the others. And Kai was certain he felt Baz’s eyes onhimwheneverhewasn’tlooking. But maybe that was regret coloring Baz’s cheeks, shame making him sneak glances. Maybe Baz was prolonging this endless conversation so that he wouldn’t have to find himself alone with Kai again, forced to deal with the consequences of that kiss.
Maybes. Something else Kai didn’t like.
He’d been so sure with Farran back then. Convinced he’d found someone who truly accepted him, someone who would never abandon him. He couldn’t have been more wrong. And though Baz was the furthest thing from Farran, Kai was hesitant to let himself trust this conviction in his heart.
People had a tendency to disappoint. He’d rather disappointthembefore they had the chance to hurt him. It was like a chess match, and he was thinking five moves ahead, sacrificing parts of his game to protect his heart, the most vulnerable piece on the board.
Layer by layer, Kai built that armor back up around him, so that by the time they returned to the Eclipse commons later that evening, he had all but shut the metaphorical door on what had transpired. With Thames gone to bed and Polina nowhere to be found, it was finally just the two of them.
“It’s been a long day,” Kai said before silence could settle between them.
“Yeah.” Baz sat down in his favorite armchair. He palmed the back of his neck in that nervous way of his. “Do you… I mean… That was…”
Kai figured he’d save him the trouble. “We don’t have to talk about it.”
Baz frowned. “What if I want to talk about it?”
There was something Kai didn’t recognize in his voice, his expression, a confidence he was unused to seeing behind those glasses of his. “Look, if you regret it…”
“What? No, of course not.”
“You can take it back if you do. It’s been an emotional day, and I know there’s Emory—”
“For Tides’ sake, Kai.” Baz fished a sketchbook out of his satchel and all but threw it at him. “Look.”
Kai braced for the inevitable as he flipped it open. But unlike the sketchbook he’d seen back at the lighthouse, the one Baz had filled with drawings of Emory, this one was full of Kai’s own face. Quick studies that only gave the impression of him, and more detailed pieces that had his throat closing with emotion: a replication of the tattoos on his collarbone; a sketch of his profile wearing a rare, unguarded smile; a beautifully rendered scene of the two of them dancing together, the world around them fading to a blur.
“I don’t regret that kiss,” Baz insisted. Horror seemed to dawn on him then. “Oh Tides, doyou? You do, don’t you?” He snatched his sketchbook back, looking embarrassed. “Let’s just forget it.”
Kai closed the distance between them, grabbing hold of Baz’s face as he bent down to kiss his mouth. A surprised sound rumbled in Baz’s throat, giving way to a soft sigh as he tugged Kai closer by the lapels of his shirt. Kai braced his hands on either side of the armchair so he wouldn’t fall on top of him. Every nerve in his body was aflame as Baz’s mouth opened to his and their tongues glided against each other.
Kai grazed his teeth over Baz’s lower lip as he pulled back, delighting in how breathless Baz was, in the flush that crept up his neck. “Does that answer your question?”
“What was the question again?” Baz managed.
