“All right, everyone, let’s clear out,” Luce said, affecting the authority of the librarian she was posing as. She shooed everyone out, throwing a look back at Baz and Kai as if to say,We’ll discuss this later. Clover and Thames followed after her and shut the door behind them, as if knowing Baz and Kai needed a moment.
“Tell me what happened,” Baz said once they were alone.
Kai told him everything—how he’d seen both Emory and Romie that first time, and now Emory alone in this one. Anger and hurt simmered inside Baz. He’d thought he could count on Kai for the truth, always. But apparently not for this.
“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”
Kai let out a sigh. “Because Emory asked me not to, and I agreed to keep it quiet so that you wouldn’t be thrown off your game during the Bicentennial.”
That protective side again. Baz didn’t find it quite as endearing now. “Are you sure that’s the only reason?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You get all worked up whenever Emory’s name is even brought up. It’s like you’re jealous of her.”
Something like hurt flashed in Kai’s eyes at the insinuation, but he masked it with sarcasm. “Sure. I’m jealous of the girl whousedyou to get what she wanted, who you’re still pining over like some pathetic, lovesick puppy.”
“I amnot. I don’t—I don’t think of her that way. Not anymore.”
Baz realized it was the truth as he spoke it. What he’d felt for Emory… there would always be something there, but it was friendship more than anything. He could genuinely count on one hand the times he’d thought of herthat waysince she left. Because his mind was otherwise occupied. His feelings turned to someone else.
But Kai didn’t seem to believe him. He snickered at him, saying, “You’re telling me Emory isnotwho you’ve been drawing over and over again in that sketchbook of yours?”
Baz huffed a disbelieving laugh. “So youarejealous.”
“I’mconcerned. Because you don’t want to hear that your precious Emory might bring about the end of the fucking worlds, but you have to face the facts, Brysden. She was never good to you, so why are you so quick to defend her?”
“Look, yes, she did use me, and I did have feelings for her, andit did push me to do things I might not…” He trailed off, shaking his head. “But you have no idea what that time was like for me, Kai. I was alone. Romie was gone. You’d gotten yourself into the Institute. Emory was the only one there for me. She understood me and made me grow, and I refuse to give up on her now. If defending her makes me weak in your eyes, then so be it. I won’t apologize for it.”
“I’m not asking you to. And I’vealwaysknown what it’s like for you, Brysden. I’ve seen your deepest fears, remember? Witnessed all the horrors inside that head of yours. I know the demons you fight against, and I know what you could do if you just let yourself accept that you’re more powerful than anyone I’ve ever met. I know every part of you, and I’m here waiting for you to understand that. But you can’t see it, can you?”
“See what?”
“If you don’t know by now, then you never will.” Kai scoffed, blinking rapidly as he looked anywhere but at Baz. “I don’t know why I expected any different from you.”
As Kai turned to leave, desperation smacked into Baz. He reached out a hand, gripping Kai’s shoulder to keep him at his side, because he knew that if Kai walked away now, things between them would break irrevocably.
But Kai shoved him away with a snarled “Don’t,” taking Baz aback.
Their gazes met. There was nothing guarded about Kai’s expression now, only a stark vulnerability that took Baz’s breath away and made his heart ache in a way he couldn’t explain. He’d been starting to see the cracks in Kai’s armor, but nothing quite like this. This was Kai at his core, without any of the barriers he usually hid behind. Not the Nightmare Weaver, not the fearless fighter he’d made himself out to be, but simply a boy. A version of himself he showed to no one.
Except for Baz.
And Baz had been such a fool.
He took a step toward Kai and reached tentatively for his hand. Kai stood very still, breathing fast, that heartbreaking vulnerability still darkening his eyes. Baz wove his fingers through Kai’s, palms flush against each other. He grabbed Kai’s other hand, so that their hands were clasped on either side of them.
Baz didn’t know what he was doing. His mind was blissfully blank and his movements so strangely assured, as if his body had taken the reins and were acting on pure instinct. He drew closer to Kai until he was in his space, breathing his air, discovering all the shades of his dark eyes, the hints of navy and brown and gray that could only be seen from up close.
They did not touch save for their entwined hands; there was a hairsbreadth between them, crackling with possibility.
“What are you doing?” Kai whispered, voice strained. His chest heaved with each quick breath, brushing slightly against Baz as it did.
“I don’t know,” Baz murmured in answer. He bowed his head toward Kai, eyes fluttering shut as he breathed him in. He pressed his mouth against the crook of Kai’s neck. A plea, a sign, the only way he knew of to sayI think I finally understand. Maybe he’d always known, but it was only now that he saw it plainly. That he felt it so completely.
“Baz…”
Kai’s voice was hot against his ear, and there was a note to it that Baz had never heard. Hope and anguish and fear all tangled up together. Baz pressed another tentative kiss against Kai’s neck, feeling Kai’s throat bob against his mouth as he swallowed and said, “You don’t have to do this.”
