Since we kissed.
He seemed like he was into it, but now I’m afraid I ruined everything. I need to fix it. But I have no idea how.
“Hey.” I nudge his shoulder. “What’s up with you?”
Luke stiffens, and I want to take it all back. Obviously the direct approach was a mistake.
But then static crackles from the two-way radio clipped to his waist, and we both stop, frozen. Staring at each other in tense silence while we wait.
The static fades into nothing, but Luke is still looking right at me. “Why did you kiss me, Maddie?”
I’m not sure how to answer that. I’ve never made the first move before. I should have known better, after Benard. After Sebastián. Kissing hasn’t turned out well for me so far, and I don’t want to mess things up with Luke.
But he’s looking at me like his whole life is riding on whatever I say next, and that’s terrifying in a completely different way than having a gun pointed at my head.
“Um ... It was a thank you. For the marshmallow. And for hiking through the jungle with me. For burying my brother. For hitting Moisés with a rock.”
“That was just a thank you?” He sounds wounded. Does he want me to tell him that he’s funny and sweet? That I saw him looking down at me with the stream gurgling, the fire crackling, and the birds chirping all around us, and I just wanted to touch him? That I hadn’t given it any real thought?
And suddenly I understand my mistake.
“That came out wrong. It wasn’tjusta thank you.”
Luke scruffs his cap over his curls and his focus drops to his feet. “You know I like you. Youhaveto know that. Right?”
“I ... yeah, I guess.” I shrug. “I mean, you’re here.”
“Maddie, I’m here because you need help, and because combining our skill sets gives us a better chance of surviving the jungle than we’d have on our own. But you don’toweme anything. Especially not ... that.” His flush extends down his neck and beneath his collar. “That’s not what I wanted.”
“You didn’t want me to kiss you?” The thought makes my throat feel raw.
“That’s not what I meant.” He shifts his pack on his shoulders and finally looks at me again. “I’m just saying I don’t expect anything from you. I don’t need any incentive to be here.”
My cheeks flame and I close my eyes. Is that what he thinks I was doing? Manipulating him to keep him around? Like I’m no different than Genesis.
Is he right?
I replay the memory of our kiss, filling each ambiguous moment with self-doubt.
No. My eyes fly open.I don’t use people.
“I’m not trying to bribe you, Luke.” I swipe at my damp eyes with both hands. I can’t handle any more complications right now. This is life and death. I need to focus. “If that’s what you think, I don’t even want you here.”
“Whoa, Maddie, I never said that.” Luke reaches for me, but I back away from him. “I just don’t want you to kiss me unless you mean it. And you don’t mean it.”
“Don’t put words in my mouth! You don’t know what I mean!”Idon’t even know what I mean. “All I know is that everything was miserable. Then you gave me a marshmallow and made me laugh, and everything was a little less miserable.” I swipe both hands over my face again, hoping he won’t notice how damp my eyes are. “But you’re right. Everything isreallyhard right now, and I shouldn’t have complicated that by kissing you.” I turn and continue down the trail. “Don’t worry. It won’t happen again.”
“That’s not what I ...” Luke sounds like I just punched him, and the blow hurts me too.
“Look, let’s just forget it ever happened, okay?” I say as he jogs to catch up with me. “I never kissed you.”
His hurt expression hardens into anger. “Good. Because I never wanted you to.”
I push guilt to the back of my mind. He doesn’t mean that, but heshouldmean it. If I’ve learned anything from Genesis, it’s that anger is much more productive than pain.
16.5 HOURS EARLIER
GENESIS
