“Then why are you laughing at me?” Nothing was making sense. Sam was in love with me but wanted to break up. Syd seemed to be pulling away from me. Alex was my best friend and he’d laughed in my face.
“It’s like that old nineties song,” Alex said. “You know? Ithas that chorus that says ‘Everyone here, knows everyone here is thinking ’bout somebody else.’ ”
“Wow, Alex,” I said. NowIwas laughing, a hysterical edge to my voice. “I get the hint. Go be with Syd.” I stood, but he stayed seated, looking up at me.
“It’s all a mess,” Alex said. “You want to be with Sam. Syd wants to be with Sam, and I want to be with you.”
Wait.
What?
Syd wanted to be withSam?
Alex wanted to be withme?
He didn’t move. His eyes were locked on mine and his elbows were resting on his knees. And then he bit his lip. It felt like there was no safe place to look.
“I want to be with you.” He said it again.
Emotional exhaustion and the headache that was slowly creeping up on me were making me stupid. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to want. “We already dated,” I reminded him. “Back when we were sophomores.”
“I don’t think that counts.” He took a deep breath. “I think we should give it another shot. What did we know back then?”
“Nothing,” I agreed, but then I saw his eyes light up and I didn’t want him to think this could happen. Because we were best friends. Because Syd had a crush onhim, not Sam. Right? BecauseIwas still in love with Sam. There was no way it could work.
“Exactly,” he said.
“But we kissed,” I said. “Remember?”
“Of course I remember,” he said.
He didn’t stand up. I didn’t sit down.
“You didn’t think it worked?”
“I mean, it did,” I said. “The kiss did. But it only happened once.”
“Ever since then.” He stopped. Started. “Ever since then, I’ve wondered what it would be like if it happened again.”
“They why haven’t you said anything?”
“Because you were with Sam.”
It was so ridiculous. I was on the edge of crying. “Alex,” I said. “Youbroke up withmeback then. And I wasn’t with Sam until this summer. Why didn’t you say anything before now?” I took a shaky breath. “You only realized you wanted me when I was with someone else.”
Alex didn’t say anything. He stood up.
It was too late.
115.
now
“I’m back,” I call to Yolo, closing the door of the house behind me. “It’s you and me, buddy. That’s all I need. Just us. We don’t have to do this anymore. We’re done.”
Downstairs, Yolo’s food in his gray ceramic cat bowl is untouched. The water bowl is still full as well. He must not have come downstairs yet. “I should have stayed here, too,” I call out. “Come on down and eat.” I wait to hear his padding feet, his claws clicking on the hardwood. Nothing.
Where is he?
