He reached out for me, like he wanted to pull me into a hug, and I could not go there even though it was the place in the world I most wanted to be. It wasn’t safe now. I took another step away from him.
“You didn’t want to fall in love with me,” I said. “So why did you?”
“I couldn’t help it.”
“You should have tried harder,” I said, and I walked away. Before long, I was running.
113.
now
I kneel down in front of the cross.
My hands are shaking as I reach out to touch it.
Scattered all around like fallen plastic petals, the other marquee letters spell out nothing. They are a mess, some letters upside down, others flipped over the wrong way.
But it doesn’t matter.
All I really have to say
All I’ve ever had to say
All I can say
Is what I’ve already said.
Over and over again.
Again.
I’M SORRY.
But those words have never been good enough.
And neither have I.
114.
once
Alex and I were sitting on his porch swing. I’d gone to his house after I’d left Sam. I didn’t even know if Alex would be home. I didn’t text first. He might have been with Syd. I don’t know why I didn’t go to her house first. I just didn’t.
I knew I had to talk to someone.
I’d been in luck. Alex was home, and he came right out when he saw me. His dog Bo followed him outside and sat on my feet the way he always did. It meant we could never actually swing on the porch swing.
“Sam broke up with me,” I said.
Alex started laughing.
I was shocked. Stung. I pushed against the ground, sending the swing into motion. Bo jumped up, betrayed. His expression saidThis isn’t how we do things.
I know,I wanted to say to him.It’s not.
“It’s not funny.”
“I know.” Alex’s voice went serious, his eyes sober. “I’m sorry.”
