I purposefully look bored as Dean gets into the booth, but I eavesdrop on every hesitant, awkward answer he gives. Guy doesnotlike being in front of the camera. After a while, I can’t hide my interest, especially when all the others have their turns. Is it because I’m nosy? That’s none of your business.
Okay, fine, maybe I am. But these are my competitors; it’s important to hear all about their strengths, weaknesses, and hobbies. Especially if I want to befriend any of them—I mean, crush them in competition. I’m reminded of how I used to pore over the stat sheets of the rival team before each and every track meet. Thank you for always enabling my digital stalking habit, Athletic.net.
I start picturing little stat cards in my head for each person, internalizing the barrage of information in the only way my brain will accept.
Dean Parker
Personality:A jerk who uses his boyish charm and stupid good looks to get away with crimes against humanity (me).
Strengths:Nothing!!!
Weaknesses:Doesn’t know how to hold on to a suitcase handle.
Relative:Vince Parker, dad. Allies with Umma and Garrett (ugh).
Fun Fact:I hate him, he’s seen every season ofForest Feud(nerd), and oh yeah—I hate him.
Notes:I must defeat him in a way that is so humiliating he spends every day agonizing over how he insulted me and ignored my attempt at friendship.
Carter Moxley
Personality:Snobby nepo baby.
Strengths:Probably knows a lot about reality-TV tactics because of his uncle. Kind of athletic,I guess.
Weaknesses:He’s an entitled asshole. Doesn’t use sunscreen.
Relative:Garrett Moxley, uncle. “Won” the last season. Don’t make me repeat this.
Fun Fact:He has sleep apnea and preemptively told the rest of us to “deal with it.”
Notes:I must destroy him, too.
Siddharth Patel
Personality:Class (camp?) clown.
Strengths:As resilient as a rock.
Weaknesses:Had to be informed whatresilientmeans.
Relative:Anvi Patel, sister. Won the fourteenth season. He wants to win too so that his sister doesn’t have one up on him.
Fun Fact:Thinks Bigfoot is real and is deathly scared of him.
Notes:Laughs too hard at his own jokes and spoils the punch line.
Vendredi Tengku
Personality:Fueled by spite and sunshine.
Strengths:Athletic. Bubbly. A literal social butterfly because she’s both social and beautiful like one. Good thing these notes are just for me.
Weaknesses:Says she’s really competitive like it’s a bad thing, but I think that’s a strength.
Relative:Mariah Dillworth, mom. Won the twelfth season, but Vendredi didn’t mention much else about her.
Fun Fact:She wants to be an actor.
