Our fight replays in my head as I head to the bus, trying to pretend like I don’t see the camera operator in my periphery.Fightis an uncomfortable word. It implies letting my feelings take over—which they did. They never do. At least, I never let it show when they do.
A pressure headache grows behind my temples as I think back further, to the ugly sensation of everyone’s eyes on me. The bulge in my throat I couldn’t speak past. The shame that stuck to my skin when Seyoon leveled me with a look of disgust.
I should’ve spoken up about Carter cheating. Dad and Meredith would have. They would have said something smart, something tough. They would’ve stood up for what’s right.
The show’s just started, and I’m already letting them down.
8
TO DEFEAT MY ENEMY, I MUST KNOW MY ENEMY, THEN MEMORIZE MY ENEMY’S FUN FACTS, THEN SIT WITH MY ENEMY AT DINNER, THEN…
SEYOON
It’s a long, torturous drive back to Mount Rainier with the four contestants who lost sniffling in the back of the bus. Either it wasn’t in the budget to rent a separate car for them, or Garrett’s just an asshole. Probably the latter. I definitely don’t spend the entire hour thinking about how close I came to being one of them.
When we arrive at camp, we get a brief tour of the place right as dusk starts to mark the horizon line. There are five cabins: the Communal House, where we can eat, hang out, and spend what little free time we have between challenges and filming; another large cabin for the crew; a bathroom and shower building; and our cabin.
Instead of letting us in to take a break, Garrett leads us around the back of the cabin, where there’s a small wooden shed a few paces away from the woods. Blake is waiting there for us.
Blake pats the side of the shed. “This is the confession booth. While you can expect anything you do or say to be recorded with the exception of off hours between one and six a.m., this is a dedicatedspot for you to talk one-on-one with the camera and let the viewers in on what you’re thinking at any given moment. Get your side of a story out, make a funny quip, confess something you need to get off your chest—it’s all welcome.”
She opens the door to the shed. It’s cramped inside, with only a small bench, a pair of side lights, and a camera hooked up on the opposite wall. She smiles disarmingly. “Who wants to go first?”
I’m the only one to raise my hand. She gestures for me to come up, and I take a seat on the rickety bench inside the shed. It smells like someone’s grandpa in here.
“What do I say?” I ask.
Blake leans against the wall outside, drumming her fingers on her clipboard. “Set the scene for viewers. Tell us how you felt when you first got to camp. What were you thinking? What brought you here?”
Humming, I try to recall. “I thought it was really cool to be in the same place my mom was twenty years ago, and—"
She cuts me off. “Speak in the present tense, as if you’re having these thoughts for the first time and just happen to be letting the camera in on them. For viewers watching this, these confession tapes will be edited in mid-scene, so it’ll make sense to them.”
Blake reaches in to squeeze my arm encouragingly. “Try again. I’ll ask some questions to help get you started, but remember that my lines are going to be edited out. So focus on giving a cohesive answer.” Blake nods at the camera. “And look there. It makes the audience feel like you’re letting them in on a secret.”
Something about that makes me squirm in my seat. But still, I face the camera and try to remember everything she’s just asked of me. I put myself back in the headspace I was in when I first crestedthe hill and saw Mount Rainier’s snowy cap peeking out from behind camp. My throat tightens.
CONFESSION TAPE—Seyoon Shin, Contestant
My mom was on the last-ever season ofForest Feud. She got third place, but she should’ve won. If she had, our whole lives would have been different.
So, being here now, playing on the same show she did, seeing the same view she saw… it feels very full circle. Every time I look at that mountain, these trees, I remember why I’m here. Who I’m doing this for.
I’m here to win for her. And I’m not leaving this mountain unless the prize money comes with me.
Blake cackles. “That’sperfect.Oh, I knew I’d like you.”
She asks me a few more questions, coaching me into talking more about who I am, my life back home, that kind of thing. It’s kind of fun, actually, and really cathartic, until she asks, “Tell us how you feel about narrowly managing to escape elimination in the first challenge. For context, we’re probably going to splice this in right after you crossed the finish line.”
CONFESSION TAPE—Seyoon Shin, Contestant
Um, uh… I…
“You know,” I say, turning away and hopping out of the booth, “I think I’ve been in here long enough.”
Blake’s perfectly thin eyebrows rise, but before she can argue with me, I escape into the group of other contestants waiting for their turns nearby. She sighs, then looks at her clipboard.
“Alright. Dean, come on up.”
