“I’m okay. I’ll be okay, I mean,” I tell her, grabbing my red locks in my hand and securing them in a ponytail with the scrunchy I pull from my wrist. “My head is just killing me and… " I swallow thickly, closing my eyes and trying to find the right words. “I miss Mom and Dad so much, Liv. Every single day. I’m starting to wonder if it’ll ever get easier.” Warmth slides down my cheeks, and I quickly wipe it away.
Olivia’s bright blue eyes shine with a layer of tears just waiting to fall. “I know, Nor. I miss them, too. I don’t know if it’ll ever get easier, but all we can do is try to be okay.” She wraps her arm around me and lays her head on my shoulder. “Do you want to go see them today?” Peering up at me, she sniffles.
“Yes. Can we, please? Maybe that’s exactly what I need.” I lean my head on hers, sliding my arms around her and squeezing tightly. “I love you, sis,” I whisper as the ferry slows and the horn blares to announce our arrival to the docks.
“Love you too.” She lifts her head up, wipes away her tears, then flashes me a bright wide smile.
That’s how she grieves. She feels the pain in small bursts and then it passes, much like most do, and then she’s right back to her happy, carefree self. I will never grieve or feel pain that way. My pain festers and wraps around my heart and soul until nothing but darkness remains. Then, once the soul crushing darkness creeps in, my emotions and thoughts drown in endless, tormenting agony.
I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me.
As the ferry reaches the dock and people line up and swiftly exit, a wave of dizziness hits me. I clench my teeth and smile as Katie glances my way, hoping it isn’t obvious that I’m teetering because she’ll force me to go home. She doesn’t notice, thankfully.
Walking down the brick road that leads to St. Anns Cemetery, Olivia and I loop our arms together and I remind myself to breathe. The sun sets behind the trees and shadows dance across the graves, and a part of me fears the ghostly mother who haunts this place might appear. People often come here for fun, then leave sharing stories of spotting her weeping above her child’s grave before screeching and vanishing into thin air. I understand the pain of losing someone who holds every piece of your heart.
That kind of pain never heals, and more often than not, I’d like to scream, too.
Olivia releases my arm and takes a seat near my parents’ headstone. I kick off my flip flops and lay down on my back, staring up at the sky the way my mom and I did when I was little. Twirling pieces of grass between my fingers at the spot they were laid to rest makes me feel more connected to them, to the reality that they’re gone. I try to make myself forget until memories of them come flooding back and I let them drown me.
“What are you thinking about?” Olivia lays down next to me and interlocks our fingers.
“How hard life is without them.” I close my eyes, trying to remember their faces and smiles and how they lit up any room they walked into.
Most of the time when I picture their faces all I see are black smears and claw marks, and I get so goddamn mad about remembering them that way. I take a deep breath, forcing the images away.
“We really had the best parents anyone could ever ask for, didn’t we?” Her words are a soft whisper, but I can still make out the quivering of her voice.
I nod in response, but her gaze is focused on the sky, her thoughts far away. “We were so lucky to have them. I would give anything to have them back.” I open my eyes, noting how the rays of sunlight have vanished, letting the stars now twinkle brightly above us.
The air is frigid against my skin, and the shadows are gone now that darkness has taken over. The darkness in my mind took over long ago. I wish I could fight it. I’d love nothing more than to suffocate it, to chain it up in the back of my mind so I never feel it or think of it again. I’m not strong enough. Fighting feels hopeless.
“Mom and Dad would want you to be happy. They would want you to move on, Nor, to live your life fully. They wouldn’t want you to stay frozen in time the way you have been.” She leans up on her elbow, staring down at me.
The wind tousles her hair, and it brushes against my cheek as she watches me, her eyes clear and full of wisdom. I’m only two years younger than her but she seems much older. She’s definitely much smarter. I’m a college dropout. I left Florida State University’s psychology program to come home for the funeral and never went back. Maybe one day I will. Olivia’s degree in early childhood education, and her joy of helping those around her serve her well at the elementary school she works at. Kids love her, their parents love her, and a lot of it has to do with how much she takes after our parents. Their joy and love for life, their way of staying positive in any situation, and the way they never gave up hope that better days were on the horizon. I don’t know where all my negativity comes from, but it isn’t from them. I guess I’m a different breed.
I sigh, sitting up and crossing my legs in front of me, facing the forest that lines the cemetery on all sides. “I know, Liv. I know they’d want me to be happy. I’m trying,” I tell her. “It might not look like it some days, but I try so hard every day to be better. To do better.” I glance at her, shooting her a half-ass smile before turning back toward the trees.
She knows I try. She also knows I fail spectacularly when I do. Even before our parents’ deaths I struggled to find happiness. It’s like it has always been just out of reach, and no matter how hard I try to grip onto it and claim it as mine, it eludes me and always will.
Darkness always wins in the end.
“I know you try. Someday you’ll have everything you could ever wish for; I just know it.” She stands and brushes dirt off the front of her jeans before throwing me a mischievous smile. “I’m going grave hunting. I guess there’s one here that dates back to the early eighteen hundreds. I want to find it. Apparently, it’s cursed.” She raises her eyebrows up and down as she extends her hand to help me stand.
She has always been into things that are dark, creepy or just plain weird, so adventuring out to find the cursed tombstone doesn’t surprise me. I can’t say for sure how many times I’ve heard her claim that ghosts and witches most likely exist, even vampires, at times. She’s obsessed with ‘uncovering the truth and secrets of the world,’ as she says, refusing to admit that life might just be this. Mundane. Boring. Although, after all I’ve seen and experienced this past year, I’m finally on her side with this. There are definitely secrets that need uncovering. I wonder again if Olivia believes all the crazy things I told her about our parents’ deaths more than she cares to admit. If anyone would, it’d be her. Her and Katie both tend to run toward that which most people would run from. They go on antique runs all over the state, hunting for cursed objects and antique artifacts. The first thing Katie does is check the jewelry section for my mom’s amulet. She knows how much it meant to me. I don’t believe I’ll ever see it again.
“Give me a minute. I want to stay with them a little bit longer.”
It’s the truth, but also, I refuse to risk bringing any more doom or gloom into my life with cursed objects. I have enough of that going on already.
I watch her mindlessly roam around, brushing dirt off random grave markers and kneeling to get a closer look. My eyes wander back to the woods, and my heart leaps out of my chest. I grip the grass at my sides with both hands, hoping the touch against the earth will ground me and bring me back to reality. In the shadows I make out a figure standing there watching me. It wears all black. What stands out most are the huge, feathery black wings peeking out from behind its back and the bright green eyes that pierce into my soul.
Darkness has such a tight hold on me that no matter where I go or who I’m with, it will surely follow. What does it want from me? I stand up slowly, taking a small step forward to get a closer look. It takes two steps back. My hands tremble and my eyes widen as the fear of what this thing might want with me takes over my thoughts. Is it an angel or something sinister disguised as one? Olivia steps up beside me, first gazing at me and then letting her eyes drift to the spot mine are locked on in the darkness between the swaying trees.
“What are we looking at?” She asks, squinting her eyes in the direction of the lurker.
I raise my hand, pointing a finger in the direction of the figure. “That. Don’t you see him? He’s just watching me. Him or it, I-I don’t know.” My voice is slow and hushed, not wanting the stranger to hear me.
She looks at me and then back at the trees before settling back on me for good. “There’s nothing there. Just… a whole lot of trees.” She gently places her hand on my shoulder. “We should get you home. You need rest.”
