“Who are you?” I whisper, more to myself than for my sister.
“Nora, who the hell are you talking to? There’s literally no one there.”
I take a step forward and then another, before deciding to throw all caution to the wind as I full on run toward the dark figure. I don’t care what happens when I reach him. I don’t care if my mind is playing tricks on me or deceiving me. I need to face him. The wind whips across my face and everything around me fades away. Each time my bare feet meet the cold grass, I push myself forward with more urgency. I sprint toward the man or thing or angel, refusing to let him get away. I need to know what he is. I need to know why he keeps showing up and why he’s watching me.
“Nora! Stop!” Olivia yells, and her heavy breathing follows close behind me.
All I can focus on is the stranger. On his dark hood and the dark wings and the dark aura that emanates around him. He isn’t hiding. He wants me to see; I can feel it. As I reach the tree line, bright green eyes glisten from within the shadows. White teeth come into view, as a smile made of temptation and secrets flashes across his face. He’s enjoying this, seeing me desperate to find out the truth.
Right before I reach him, so close I could almost touch the feathery wings, the creature nods once before leaping into the air and disappearing somewhere within the glimmers of starlight.
I’m left standing alone, spinning in circles within the trees as I stare up at the sky. The sound of flapping wings drowns out the frantic screams of Olivia as she races over to me. I can’t tear my eyes away from the canopy of trees above us, hoping to get a glimpse of him between them so I can beg him to come back. To not run or hide. All I want is for him to talk to me, to prove that he’s real. I need him to explain why the hell he’s here and what he wants with me. To tell me how I ended up on top of that bridge and why the hell he swooped in to save me. I need to know what he is.
As terrified as a part of me feels whenever I’m in his presence, there’s also a part of me that’s intrigued and left in awe. Knowing something so beautiful can exist within the darkness leaves me wanting to know more.
To know him.
Chapter Eight
Drowning in Silence
NORA
Sipping my glass of wine, I shift in my chair. I smile at the family pictures hanging on the walls. Candlelight flickers across happy faces and silly poses, reminding me of what I’ve lost. A year ago, I couldn’t tolerate looking at these. Pain would consume me and before I knew it, I’d be curled up on my parents’ bed sobbing and unable to move for days. I could barely breathe then. Olivia would wrap me up tightly in her arms and hold me until I had no more tears left to cry.
I’m glad she moved in here with me. I wouldn’t have made it through the last year without her. Her friend with benefits, a military guy who’s rarely free is home for the weekend, so she’s at his place tonight leaving me alone here to drink my wine and deal with my thoughts. Those thoughts are surprisingly quiet tonight and have been since I was released from the hospital a week ago--since feeling like darkness was closing in on me, watching from the shadows and waiting for me to follow it into the unknown. This peace is exactly what I need right now.
Rain trickles down the window, and I watch as a solitary drop slowly makes its way to the bottom of the pane, merging with the puddle forming on the ledge outside. There’s something so peaceful about rain, about the way it comes hurling toward earth before it’s stopped in its tracks and laid to rest. But it never really dies. The cycle of life for this single, fallen rain drop carries on. What a beautiful thing to witness, rebirth. If only people could be the same.
Finishing what’s left in my glass, I stand and make my way to the dimly lit kitchen, the flames from my candles dancing and swaying, leaving moving shadows on the walls. The new, plush carpet beneath my feet is a comforting reminder that it’s okay to move on and necessary to heal. Remodeling the house my parents left to me felt wrong. At first it hurt. But I’m trying to move past it, and I know this is what they would want.
The medications Dr. Cooper ordered for me glare in my direction from the marble counter. After what happened on the bridge, the dissociation and attempted suicide, you’d think that would be enough to convince me to take them, but it’s not. I turn on the water at the sink, followed by the garbage disposal, then open the lids and pour them all down the drain. It’s the same thing every month, but I have to pretend I’m trying. I have to pretend I’m taking the meds and that they’re working, too, which is the hardest part of it all. Dumping money down the drain feels like it should be a crime, but I have no choice.
I will not let prescription medications numb me more than my depression already has.
Standing at the kitchen window, I watch as the waves rise and crash to the shore, beckoning me outside to rise and fall with them. It has been so long since I’ve enjoyed our private little beach. The memories that come with it are like little daggers straight to my heart.
Memories of my dad fishing and cursing the wind for ruining the perfect toss of his line into the water. The laughter of my mom and the twinkle in her bright blue eyes as she watched me chase after seagulls, mimicking their panicked squawking as they ran from me. The sighs and squeals of Olivia sunbathing on her favorite pink towel, swatting away bugs and mosquitoes.
Those days were the best days of my life. I would give anything to have them back, to have that pure, unfiltered happiness in my life again.
I rinse my glass out in the sink, then head to my bedroom, pulling my sundress up and over my head as I enter the room. I quickly change into my red and white flowery bikini, then throw a towel over my shoulder and head to the sliding glass doors leading out to the beach. Stepping outside is like stepping into a time capsule. The chilly lake breeze rushes into me and I close my eyes and smile, breathing in the long-forgotten scent of joy and laughter. As I walk toward the edge of the water, the grainy sand beneath my feet makes the memories feel much more real. Sometimes they feel so far away, so lost to time and darkness that I wonder if they ever happened at all.
Gazing up at the twinkling stars made brighter from the dark clouds hiding the moon, I admire their beauty. There has always been something about the stars that sends hope into my heart.
Without darkness we would never appreciate the light.
I toss my towel on the ground as I slowly make my way into the water, walking further and further away from the shore. It’s freezing cold as it reaches my waist and then my neck, but I don’t care, I push off the floor of the lake and swim anyway. I fight against the icy waves, propelling myself through the water until the chill disappears and I feel nothing. Something far below the surface, or deep within my mind, whispers to me to continue swimming and not look back. It feels right letting the waves carry me away, giving them the power to drag me out of my thoughts. I don’t stop swimming even when I know I should, even when it dawns on me that I’ve never been out this far before.
Like a siren, the depths of the lake sing to me, calling out so I can follow it into eternal darkness. I don’t want to stop. I don’t want to go back. I want to stay here forever floating with the waves, forever one with the lake and the darkness or the siren who whispers that I should stay. I dive underwater, swimming deeper and deeper toward the vast, empty floor. I can’t see the bottom, but I want to feel it beneath my feet. Down there, no one will ever find me.
I’d like to stay here in the darkness where it’s quiet and I’m free. In this place where pain and heartbreak no longer haunt me. I can find myself again, here within the darkness.
I smile as I swim faster. I’m so far away but so close to being one with the waves, eternally bound to them and them to me. The whispers surround me, caressing the broken, painful pieces of my soul.
Nora… Nora... soon you shall be free…
I kick harder and swim faster. I push the last of the oxygen in my lungs out, preparing my body to never need it again. I will need nothing else as I drift along with waves and darkness wrapped around me.
