But the ducks, having scattered in all directions during our initial assault, had regrouped. And reorganized. And, if thesynchronized way they were now turning to face us was any indication, declared war.
“Uh, guys?” My voice rose slightly as I scrambled to my feet. “We might have a problem.”
Seri, wiping tears of laughter from her eyes, managed to gasp out, “What were you even trying to do?”
“Negative, HQ.” I backed away from the advancing duck armada. “Cannot disclose mission parameters at this time.”
“I think he’s trying to catch you a duck,” Ko supplied, still burbling with laughter.
“Classified information, Alpha Boom!” I shot him a betrayed look. “Court martial offense!”
“A duck? Why would you—”
“For petting purposes!” I explained, dignity in shreds, but honesty intact. “You like petting soft things! Ducks are soft! Ergo, acquire duck for beloved!”
“Oh, Zoodle.” Her eyes softened into something so fond, it made my heart hurt.
“Less sympathy, more assistance!” I howled as Commander Quack rose from the water.
His wings extended to their full span, water droplets sparkling as they fell from his feathers. He quacked once, the sound carrying across the suddenly still lake like a general’s command.
“Incoming!” I shouted as the mallard took flight, followed by three of its compatriots.
Seri shrieked as the ducks flew past her. Ko, still wheezing, held his book over his head. Cas, who had been gathering Seri’s fishing supplies, completely uninvolved in this disaster, suddenly found himself in the path of an avian missile.
The duck adjusted its trajectory, and Cas turned at the last second, his supernatural reflexes kicking in, but it was too late. The duck released its payload onto Cas’ left shoulder, splattering his black t-shirt with a generous serving of white-green excrement.
For a moment, nobody moved. Nobody breathed. The universe itself seemed to pause.
Casimir Leif Cimmerian, dhampir son of the Vampire King, lethal enforcer and embodiment of cold dignity, had just been shat on by a duck.
His face. Oh,his face. The progression from confusion to realization to abject horror was poetry in motion, a symphony of expressions that culminated in a noise I had never heard him makebefore, a strangled, choking sound that was part gasp, part growl, and entirely un-Casimir-like.
The duck let out a triumphant honk as it banked away, wings spread wide in victory, and Ko hit the deck.
I don’t mean he fell to his knees or sat down hard. I mean he literally collapsed, folding in on himself like a puppet with cut strings, shoulders shaking with silent laughter so intense, he couldn’t even make sound anymore. He curled into a fetal position on the dock, face buried in his arms, body convulsing.
Seri had one hand pressed to her mouth, tears streaming down her cheeks, the other hand clutching the dock railing for support as her knees buckled. The sound that escaped her was somewhere between a sob and a laugh, high and breathless.
“Simmy, your face!” she managed between gasps for air.
I remained frozen in the water, caught between twin impulses to flee for my life and to preserve this moment in my memory until my dying day.
Which, judging by the look Cas was now aiming at me, might be sooner than expected.
MISSION LOG
TIME: T-plus 30 seconds after realizing I created a monster
CASUALTIES: My dignity, Brumous’ battle strategy, Cas’ shirt
UNFORESEEN DEVELOPMENTS: Simmy has a sense of humor. Who knew?
The universe holds certain truths sacred. Gravity. Tax audits. Lucian never smiling. So when the hostile bogey scored a direct hit, time itself stuttered.
Cas’ jaw muscle twitched like a metronome set to ‘regicidal’ as the duck circled back for a strafing run, wings backlit by the sun like some avenging angel of avians.
“Manhahahadown,” Ko wheezed. “I repeathehehemanhahahadown!”
