His eyes narrow like he’s trying to see beneath the exterior of my mind.Don’t, doctor, you won’t like it there.He nods and disappears back between my legs. “First, I’m going to apply a little topical numbing cream to the area. Following that, I’ll add some local anesthetic.” I wonder if he has a cream capable of numbing the mind?
His words filter into the room as I focus on a black dot on the ceiling. It moves. A spider is bearing witness to my degradation. I wonder what else it has seen in this healing room? How many women have ended up here by force? What safety measures are in place for the likes of the rich and the powerful like Gideon? I blink and turn my head slightly to face my husband. He places a kiss on my forehead.
“You are doing great, Honor.”
Am I? If I was doing great, he wouldn’t feel the need to change my appearance inside and out. If I’m so unattractive, why marry me? What’s the point? There are women who could have given him all of this without the pain and torment. He could have left me on that sidewalk in the rain, a stranger who offered a kindness, but no. He saw my light and had to own it. Covet it. Possess it. Perhaps that’s why I try to shine less. Maybe he’ll leave me in peace. A dull, dutiful wife wheeled out for events. I study the excited glimmer in his eyes as he peeks at whatever the doctor is doing. No, Gideon Lowell won’t ever stop. Not while there’s breath in my lungs. He finds new and more inventive methods of control. He senses deep down that while I’m obedient, I’m not broken. Not yet. Broken people don’t have murderous thoughts. Broken people don’t make plans to escape. Broken people don’t envisage a future free of pain.
“The difficult part is completed. Moving on to reconstructing your hymen now.” The doctor’s words penetrate my inner ramblings. Some conversation happens between the men. I’m not needed, and I’m grateful as my gaze returns to the spider who has shifted to directly above my head. I imagine it’s many eyes observing everything in this room. The two powerful men, the seemingly meek woman, and the torrent of pain that exists within her. Perhaps it sees my cracks, myfractures, my swirling darkness—but knows my soul can’t be touched. Not unless I allow it. Gideon can’t get to my soul, and that is why he pushes. It fascinates him to find alternative routes in. Like a complex maze with my soul as the prize burning bright in the center, yet his paths keep taking him to dead ends.
The doctor stands and walks around to stand on my other side. There’s blood on his gloved hands. I’ve already shed so much for Gideon, why not some more? The doctor’s mouth moves, but it’s like we are underwater. I can barely hear him. I tilt my head, trying to understand his words. They stretch out before me like he’s been put in slow motion mode. I blink. Nope, still stuck.
The head of the chair suddenly angles down and once again I’m looking at my spider friend on the ceiling. Something tightens around my arm. Is Gideon squeezing it? What am I meant to be doing? Did I say the wrong thing? I hope not. There’s been enough pain and shock for today.
Water touches my lips, and I’m thirsty beyond all belief. Like I’ve been baking in the sun all day long. The buzzing in my head is deafening. I guzzle the cool water like my life depends on it.
Slowly the world refocuses and Dr. Stevens’ concerned face hovers over me. “Back with us, Mrs. Lowell?”
I nod. He sighs. “Good. For future reference, it’s always recommended eating and drinking enough to keep your sugars up during procedures such as these.”
He tilts the chair, bringing me back to a sitting position. My legs are free from the loops, and they have pulled my gown down. “I’m sorry. I was so excited.”
He pats my shoulder. “Understandable. I’ve given your husband the painkillers and antibiotics. He has my number.Any strange smells or noticeable discharge, call me. There’s a sanitary pad there on the side for you. My assistant will see you out. Mrs. Stevens has a roast dinner waiting and a dozen of our family and friends to entertain. I best get back to her.”
He waltzes out of the room with a final nod at Gideon.
“Drink the rest of the water, Honor,” Gideon snaps. My gaze flies to him. Why is he mad at me? I consume what he allows. No more, no less.
My bottom lip wobbles. I don’t think I can take any more today. Gideon’s hard gaze softens. “It’s okay. You didn’t know.”
He helps me to my feet and pulls off the surgical gown. It flutters to the floor. A trickle of sweat runs down my spine. The urge to curl into a ball and rock in the corner is overwhelming. “Let’s get you dressed.”
He opens my white cotton panties, and feeds my legs into them. “Here.” He hands me the sanitary towel. I stick it to my underwear, then he pulls my cream sheath dress over my head. He eyeballs the heels, before his fingers loop into them and he scoops me up bridal style. I hang onto his neck and snuggle into him. He might be the devil, but I have zero other options for comfort, and the steady throb between my legs is already starting.
He smiles at me as we pass the startled gray-haired woman. She rushes to open the front door, and the cool winter air kisses my heated skin. It’s a welcome reprieve before I’m bundled into the car, and we are on our way home. Gideon keeps me in his lap, stroking my back. I sigh. It’s nice. To have his hands on me, to soothe me, not hurt me. It stokes a yearning I long thought dead, for something more, something warm and loving. No, not something. Someone, I realize, someone safe. I lift my hand and cup Gideon’s clean-shaven jaw so I can gaze at his eyes the color of a tropical sky. He is not that someone, and I will neverfind that something while I stay here and let him continue to quash my light. It’s time. No more of my blood will be shed in the name of making this impossible man happy. I gave him a year of my life. Time for Operation Bangs.
CHAPTER 6
HONOR
A cornered animal is a dangerous one.
Gideon hands me an ice pack as I lay back on our bed. “The doctor advised putting it between your legs for swelling and pain relief.”
I clutch it and place it over my throbbing vagina. No ice pack is going to help that deep aching. That is going to hurt like a bitch for some time.
The bed dips as Gideon sits on the edge. His fingers skim over the hair on my forehead. “You need time to heal, baby, but you’ll be mine. Made new inside for me. It will be special.” He produces two pill pots and shakes a tablet out of each. “Antibiotic and painkiller.” He drops them in my hand, then gives me a glass of water. I swallow the pills and drink the water. He shakes his head and drags it away from my parched lips. “You can have the rest in a moment, Honor.”
He places the glass on the bedside table, grips my hands and pulls me up to my feet. The ice pack hits the floor with a dull thud. He retrieves a familiar band of black leather from thefoot of the bed. I swallow the denial. A sour taste lingers on my tongue as my throat tightens. He’s got to be joking. “We can’t let our hard work go to waste. We would have to start again.”
“I’m too sore.” The words tumble out of my mouth before I can stop them. His nostrils flare and his jaw tightens. I want to stuff my stupid rebuttal back inside my chest. Gideon might not have access to my vagina, but he has other places and ways to hurt me. I dip my eyes to the floor. “I’m sorry, Gideon, the excitement of the day and the pain made me speak out of turn. Forgive me.”
Silence stretches between us as I await his decision on how to handle my disobedience. “You are forgiven, Honor. Don’t let it happen again.” My shoulders sag. “Arms up. Let’s get this back on you. I can already see a widening.”
My hands raise into the air and he slides on the waist trainer. I turn around. “Lie on your stomach. I think it will be easier to get traction.”
I obey. My face buries into the expensive Egyptian cotton. I suck in the clean washing powder scent as I intertwine my fingers and hold them behind my head. His shoe braces against my butt and he yanks, the trainer finds its place a little easier this time, and before I know it, I’m beneath the sheets, with the ice pack between my legs and have been given permission to drink the rest of the water and sleep.
My hand lands on his arm before he rises. “May I have my hair done tomorrow?”
