"I didn't need space from you!" My anger is getting away from me again. "I needed you there. I woke up wanting to see you and you weren’t there."
For the first time, I see doubt and maybe a little guilt in her eyes.
"What do you want from me, Katerina? I've done everything I can think of to show you how much you mean to me. I killed for you. I nearly died for you. I've been trying to be a father to Enzo. Hell, I told you I loved you. What more do you need?"
She doesn’t say anything, but I can see that a tug-of-war is playing out in her mind. Questioning her beliefs and actions. Wondering if she can trust me.
"Why didn't you just ask me?" I press on, remembering she gave me the cold shoulder before, after my call with Franco, which I know she overheard as well. "If you heard me talking about Chicago and were worried, why not come to me directly? Why shut me out?"
Katerina looks down, her shoulders dropping slightly. "Because it's easier to prepare for the worst than to hope for something better. Every time I let myself believe you might stay, I remember how it felt when you left before."
And there it is. She’s afraid of being hurt.
She’s not the only one, and I realize that I could have played this out differently but didn’t because I was afraid too.
“I’m scared too. Scared that no matter what I do, you'll always be waiting for me to disappoint you. That you'll never truly trust me again."
She looks up, meeting my eyes. "I want to trust you, Luca. I do."
"Then why do you keep pulling away?” I gently take her hand, half expecting her to yank it back. She doesn't. "We're both so afraid of being hurt that we're hurting each other anyway."
Her fingers tighten around mine, and for the first time I feel hope. "I don't want to be afraid anymore."
"Neither do I." I bring her hand to my lips, pressing a kiss to her knuckles. "But you can’t keep assuming the worst about me."
"I know."
“What will it take to have you trust me? I love you. I love Enzo. When I return to Chicago, I want you both to come with me.”
Her head starts to shake slowly before I even finish speaking. A tiny movement, back and forth.
Denial. Rejection.
No matter what, she can’t fully trust me.
I step back, the space between us growing vast again. "After everything. After the blood I've spilled, the promises I've made, the fucking bullet I took, it's still not enough. I fought for you. I fought for us."
It’s clear that some battles can’t be won with bullets.
That some wounds never heal.
I’ve lost her again… or maybe, I never really had her back.
34
KATERINA
I shake my head harder, not in denial but in self-reproach.
What have I done?
Again and again, I've held him at arm's length, preparing for abandonment instead of fighting for what we could be.
I've been so afraid of being hurt that I've become the one inflicting the pain.
My distrust is about to cost us everything.
“I fought for you. I fought for us." He turns away, heading to the door.
