I suddenly can’t breathe. Like him, I also get the urge to run away, so I rush over to lock him inside and then toss him on the bed. “Don’t go anywhere,” I demand, then disappear into the bathroom to take care of all the morning things and catch my breath. My chest feels tight and my hands are shaking a little, but I recognize what this is now. I have anxiety.
Once I wash my face, I stare at myself in the mirror and truly think about what he just said, but I instantly feel like a coward for taking a moment to process his words in here after demanding he stay. I didn’t give him a moment to process, so I need to march my ass back out there and convince him he won’t be alone anymore.
I have a feeling this is our breaking point.
I tentatively walk back out and find him sitting right where I left him with the most confused expression I’ve ever seen.
“I can do this, Lee. I promise,” he rushes out. “My emotions aren’t your problem. I made a deal and I intend to stick to it for as long as you need it.”
“Stop.” I don’t mean to raise my voice, yet he flinches anyway. “Please, just let me... fuck.” I run my hand through my hair and take a deep breath. “I don’t want to do that deal anymore. Can we forget we ever agreed to it?”
Panic changes his entire face. “Because I tried to sneak out? I won’t do it again, I promise. Don’t do this. Not yet, I—” sadness replaces the panic, making it worse — ”Once wasn’t enough.”
“Sid.” Closing the distance, I kneel down in front of him and take his face in my hands. “Breathe for me. I suck at this shit, alright? I’m not saying I’m done with you, I’m saying I don’t want you to be my fuckdoll. Or... that’s not entirely true. I’d love for you to still be my fuckdoll, but I also want more. I don’t want you waiting for the other shoe to drop anymore, I’ve got both feet planted right now, and I’m here asking you to be mine for real. I shouldn’t ask you for this, we both know I haven’t earned it, but I’m askin’ anyway. Let me earn it by your side.”
His chest rises and falls with heavy breaths as his eyes dart around my face, probably looking for a sign that I’m teasing him or fucked up or something that will make what I just said not real. When he finds none, he nods a little bit. “I have to tell you something first that might change your mind.”
It’s my turn to panic, but I keep my face as neutral as possible. “Is it worse than me sneaking into your trailer to jack off?”
“Yes.”
I audibly swallow down my panic and lean back a little to see all of him. “What is it?”
Clenching his jaw, he stands up abruptly and takes off his shirt. “Every single one of these roses, I got for you. Well, because of you, I should say. I’ve loved you for so long I barelyremember what I was like before it. And it wasn’t always easy, y’know? You sucked for a while, like hurting me was fun for you. And I don’t know, maybe it was, maybe it wasn’t, but every time you hurt me, I got a tattoo of a rose. If I was the only one who knew, I’d take it to my grave and never tell you... but I’m not. So I need you to know that before someone else tells you and you can’t stand to look at me anymore.”
There are so fucking many I want to throw up. I make sure to look at each and every one before I let my head hang in shame, and I fall back on my ass as the weight of it truly hits me. I really do suck, and every rose on his beautiful skin tells me I will never make up for that fact. “Fuck, Sidney. How canyoulook atme?”
“Because I love you, and being hurt sometimes doesn’t change that,” he says simply. “You were hurting too.”
I’m always hurting, but that’s no excuse to hurt other people. Especially him. When I meet his gaze again I hope with all of me he can see the truth in the words I’m about to say. “I’m sorry.”
"I know.” Gently, he reaches for my hand and hooks my pinky. “I could’ve walked away, but I didn’t. I always had hope that one day, you’d see I was the one who never left.”
“I did. That was part of why I stayed away, Sid. I couldn’t stand the thought of losing you, and I knew I’d fuck it up if you ever gave me a shot. I still might fuck it up. It’s what I am, a fuck up.”
Yet, I cling to his hand tighter and pull gently so he comes in closer. “You’re not,” he argues in a whisper. “You’re just... a ship on a rocky sea waiting for someone to turn the damn lighthouse on to guide you. Everything feels fucked until you’re in a safe harbor.”
“You’re safe,” I whisper back. “You’re my lighthouse, baby boy. I fucking love you, and I’ve known it for a while. I told myself I wouldn’t tell you until I deserved it, but we both knowI’ll be working on that the rest of our lives. I need you to know it now. I love you, and I’m not going anywhere if you let me stay.”
“Will you promise me that you’ll keep slowing down on the drugs?”
I want to do so many I forget how much I’ve hurt him, but I don’t deserve the escape. “I’ll try,” I say honestly. “It’s hard not to crave the relief they offer when I feel like a piece of shit. And I feel like that often.”
“I’m not asking you to quit cold turkey or even to succeed, Lee. I’m just asking you to try.” He climbs into my lap and grabs my face. “And if you feel like shit, you come to me first. If I can’t make you feel better, I’ll get you the drugs myself.”
Fair enough. “You already make me feel better.” I let my hands fall to his hips and slowly lean in closer. “I can’t lose you, Sidney. I can’t.”
He kisses both of my cheeks and then the tip of my nose. “If you haven’t already scared me away, what makes you think you’ll lose me now?”
I don’t know, but everything about you has always seemed too good to be true. The real question is why would you ever stay with a loser like me?
I don’t ask it though, because he’ll just tell me how great I am, and I don’t want to hear that. I just want to hear he’s mine.
