I keep remembering the look in his eyes when he said I’m on my own this tour. I was so sure I lost him for good this time.
“Well clearly someone has to,” he mumbles. “Will you listen to anyone but me?”
Without thinking, I shake my head no and find it’s true. I trust him more than anyone, and I don’t mind it when he bosses me around in the daylight. I just wish I could boss him around in the dark.
If only he was mine. “Only you.”
“Then I’ll keep helping you on two conditions. One, you don’t touch my phone. And two, you cut back on the hard shit. Likewayback.” His thumb brushes the side of my hand. “As much as you can, anyway. I won’t ask you to stop.”
Just one swipe of his thumb has me so weak I know I didn’t understand the meaning of yearning before this moment. I’d do anything he asks right now, and deep down I’m grateful he isn’t demanding I stop everything. He’s giving me grace, and everyone knows I need it. “I won’t touch your phone, and I’ll try to stop the coke.”
It’s all I can offer without making a promise I may not be able to keep.
“That’s... fine. That’s good. Thank you.”
I slump down a little in my seat and tighten my hand around his. “I mean, if Bash can cut the shit, I can too. Right?”
Bash was over all the partying before Alaina came back into his life, but I know we all still remember how he used to party.
He walked away like it was nothing.
“Bash knew he wanted something more than the high. Do you?”
Yes. But what I want will never be mine, so I live in this state of homesickness I can’t escape. It might be worse than not wanting anything at all. “I’ll do my best, pretty boy.”
“That’s all I’m asking for.” He scoots a little closer and opens his mouth to say something, but now Jonah’s walking over and staring at us.
“Fucking finally.”
Huh? “What does that mean?”
The bus suddenly gets hotter, but no one seems to notice but me.
“You two,” he laughs. “Holding hands, being gay or whatever. It’s about time.”
Sidney squirms. ”I’ve always been gay.”
“And I’m bi,” I rush out a little defensively. “Everyone knows that.”
But I fully understand what he’s saying now, and my eyes widen slightly as I give the most subtle shake of my head so Sidney doesn’t notice it.
Please don’t say it. Don’t ruin this. This is the first time I’ve held his hand, and I already need it every day.
“Yeah, but... ahh fuck it. It’s not even fun to mess with you guys. Congrats, though.”
He salutes us as his handler Jamie calls him back, and I’m left with Sidney looking at me like I have answers for him.
I have to get him thinking about something else before he pushes it and makes someone admit how long I’ve wanted him. I was right, everyone here knows.
“We have weird friends, Sid. Are you tired? Can we stay like this for a while?”
I slide my thumb along his hand like he did to mine, catching the way it makes him squirm a little.
“It’s strange that they’re all being weird about the same thing at once, but yeah. I think some sleep might be good.”
“Me too.”
I want to hold onto this feeling forever, but as I drift off, I know it will be gone by the time I wake. The good feelings never stay.
