Shit. I can do this, can I?
I fucking can’t.
She stops in front of the last door in the corridor, opening it for me.
In the room, I stand like an idiot, one hand in my pocket and the other still fisted in front of my mouth. The girl, who is definitely twice my age, has boobs almost bigger than my head. Otherwise she’s quite small, even with those seven-inch heels.
I don’t like her. I don’t think I can do this.
Jesus, I want to get out of here.
She opens some sachet, then makes two lines of coke on the small table by the bed.
“Take one,” she says, gesturing to me, and I just shake my head.
She needs to drug herself to do this?
I don’t fucking like this.
The walls of the room are getting smaller.
She comes to me and rests her hand on my chest, gently pushing me toward the bed, then pushing me more to sit down. She stands between my legs and takes off my sweatshirt together with the T-shirt under it.
The room smells fucking disgusting. I can’t breathe. I squeeze my eyes shut as she drops to her knees and starts unbuckling my jeans.
God, it feels so wrong. She probably doesn’t want to do it either.
I feel the vomit again.
I’m not going be hard. It’s not going work.
I can’t believe what I’m doing, but I’m at my wits’ end, so I lean down to the table and snort the whole line of coke.
My nose instantly starts burning like hell. Like someone shoved a fistful of needles straight into my face. For a second I can’t breathe at all, like my whole skull tightens around the bridge of my nose. Then it drops down the back of my throat—bitter, chemical, metallic—and my tongue goes numb.
My gums tingle. A wave of heat shoots through my chest, then cold. My fingers shake. My vision sharpens and blurs at the same time, like the room is too close and too far. My thoughts start racing so fast they trip over each other.
I don’t feel better. I don’t feel stronger. I feel wrong.
Like my body is moving without me.
For a second I swear my brain is trying to crawl out of my skull and my whole face feels like it’s tearing itself open from the inside.
I grab the edge of the mattress because everything inside me jumps at once, like electricity exploding under my skin.
The girl says something, but it’s like she’s speaking underwater.
My heart goes insane. Too fast. Too loud. Too everywhere. It’s pounding in my throat, in my wrists, in my teeth. I can’t control it. I bow forward, both palms on my knees. My vision is blurred but I can feel her opening my jeans and taking my dick out, touching it, probably trying to get it working.
I feel like I’m not in my body. I’m just sitting there staring at it, but I’m far away.
Then the panic finally melts. Not fully, but it loosens. Everything sharp turns warm and heavy. Like someone pressed a warm cloth over my mind.
My heart is still racing, but now it feels like it’s dragging me forward instead of choking me.
I open my eyes.
Colors look brighter. Her skin looks smoother. That stupid red light suddenly looks like a whole universe is glowing inside it.
