“Do you ever regret it?”
He shakes his head, kissing my temple. “It’s the best thing I’ve ever done.”
If I could absolve Damon, I would. If I could save him, I would.
Please don’t leave.
Please.
THE DEATH SENTENCE
DAMON
I thought this would help.I thought this would close the wound. But I’m bleeding out. Pint by pint, I’m disappearing. The pastor’s sermon muffles near my consciousness, but I don’t hear a word he says. Dead. They’re all dead.
Why did I come here? Why did we do this?
My gaze floats from one headstone to the next. My father, my mother, my sister. Alison. Four souls. Four lives that ended far too early. My fault. Always my fucking fault. If only I didn’t rent that helicopter. If only I didn’t get into that fucking car. They weren’t perfect, but God, they were better than me. Everyone is better than me.
It’s all a farce. It’s all bullshit. I try and I try to be a better person, but there’s an evil inside of me. I can’thide from it. It’s so angry. It’s so fucking vengeful. No matter how hard I try to suffocate its fearmongering, no matter how hard I try to rip its tainted claw from my flesh, my bones, my goddamn heart, it comes back like a malignant cancer that’s immune to radiation.
That’s what I am. Malignant. I spread my evil onto those around me. Slowly, subtly, until it’s too late. Until they become too sick. Until they die. I can’t do that to Emery. I can’t do it to Quin. Not again. He’s already scarred from my actions, from my behavior, from my choices. And the baby. Oh, the baby. It’s pure. Completely untainted by life and circumstance. By me.
For once in my life, I could do the right thing. For once in my godforsaken life, I have the opportunity to save someone. I could leave. I should leave. They could be a family. A real family. It wouldn’t be complicated. It wouldn’t be hard. It wouldn’t require hiding or fighting or hoping. I could leave. I could leave them to live out my dream. And that’s what it is, a dream.
Who was I kidding? Me, as a father? As a dad? How ridiculous. How absurd. I shouldn’t raise a child. I shouldn’t even be in the same room as a child. They’re impressionable little sponges. And I’m the last thing a child should want to soak up.
I deserve to have my dreams shattered. I deserve to live with nothing. To be another headstone in the plot. I’m so tired. My body. My mind. My soul. Do I even have a fucking soul? Or did it die all those years ago?
I close my eyes, banishing the tears that threaten to drown me.
If I do have a soul, it’s not mine anymore. I gave itaway. I gave it to someone who will keep it safe. Someone who will nurture it, who will nurse it back to health. I gave it to Emery. I gave her the last shard of my decency, of my goodness.
It’s hers.
And she can keep it. I don’t need it. Not where I’m going. Not where I’m destined to spend the rest of my days.
The pastor says, “Amen.”
For once, I don’t want to be selfish.
“Damon!” Quin calls after me as I turn on my heel and walk away. It’s time to walk away. “Damon! Wait! Where are you going?”
“Away,” I say, fishing my car keys out of my pocket as I refuse to look back. I can’t see her face. I can’t look into her eyes. It’ll break me. It’ll make me waver. “I’m going away, Quin.”
Quinton digs his nails into my shoulder as he grabs me, his expression tight. “Don’t you dare leave her, Cavanaugh. Not like this.”
“Get off me,” I growl, jerking away from him. The labyrinth of trees and mausoleums obscure Emery’s view of us, but I know she’s listening. I know she’s fighting the urge to run after me.
“You arenotleaving her, Damon Cavanaugh.” Quin’s frame towers over mine as he glowers down at me, face paling. “You are notpermittedto leave, do you understand? Sheneedsyou.”
My voice comes out quaking, fracturing with every heartbreaking emotion. “No, Quin, she needsyou. She needs someone she can lean on, someone who willalways put her first. She needs someone who’s strong, Quin. And I-I’m too broken. I’m…” My jaw clenches. “I’m a liability, Quinton. Trust me, it’s better this way.”
Fury dances across Quinton’s face. “Better? You think that abandoning Emery whilst she’s pregnant is better? Better for whom, Damon? You or her? Which one of you is running? Which one of you is giving up?” His voice rises. “Because it sure as hell is not Emery!”
I wanted to go quietly. I wanted to leave with an ounce of dignity. But if he won’t let me go, I’ll make him hate me.
“But she did, didn’t she?” I lift a knowing brow, tone laced with painted contempt. “Shedidrun, and she ran to you. They all run to you. Take the victory, Quin. I’m done playing second best.”
