He exhales softly.
“Son… what happened with your mother and me was a long time ago.”
I let out a dry laugh. “That seems to be the motto of my life.”
He ignores it.
“Why does this bother you so much?” he asks quietly.
I stare at the floor.
And then I ask the question that’s been sitting on my chest my entire life. “Why aren’t we close?”
He blinks. “What?”
“You and Darren are always laughing,” I say. “Inside jokes. It’s easy between you. But you and me? We’re more like… neighbors.”
He exhales slowly. “Logan…”
“No,” I press. “I’ve always felt it. Even before you and Mom divorced. It was different.”
He rubs his hands together like he’s buying time.
“When you were born,” he says carefully, “your mother and I weren’t married. We weren’t even living together.”
I say nothing.
“I was young. Trying to figure out who I was. I didn’t know how to be a father,” he continues. “I loved you. But I was still… figuring out myself.”
“You figured it out for Darren,” I say, bitterness slipping through before I can stop it.
He looks at me sharply.
“I figured it out for you,” he corrects. “How do you think Darren was conceived?”
“Ew, Dad,” I cringe automatically.
He laughs, the tension cracking for a second. “I’m serious.”
I shake my head. “That does not make it better.”
He sobers.
“By the time Darren came along, I was in a better place,” he says. “I wasn’t scared of him like I was of you.”
“You were scared of me?” I ask, my tone incredulous.
“Of course,” he says simply. “You’re a dad. You know what I mean.”
I do.
“I didn’t know it was possible to be scaredforsomeone and scaredofsomeone at the same time,” I say quietly. “Then again, that’s also true for Jess.”
He gives me a sad smile. “You’re raising your kids the way I wish I’d raised you.”
I shift, uncomfortable with the heaviness of that.
“It wasn’t all bad,” I say not wanting him to feel bad.
