Immediately, I snap my attention to her. Just over Andy’s shoulder, behind the monitor, Bea holds my gaze. I release the breath I didn’t know I was holding. Her lips part as she mimics me, modeling the way to take a steady breath in and out.
Quietly. Calmly. I feel my chest rise and fall with more regularity, and my muscles relax. Bea walks around themonitors, ignoring the protests of the crew. She never breaks eye contact, even when she puts a hand on Andy’s arm, leaning over to whisper a few words on her way over to me.
When I’m seated on the edge of this stool, Bea is at eye level when she stops in front of me.
“Talk to me,” she tells me, her hands bracketing my shoulders. She gives me a tender squeeze and a soft smile. “I know Andy will ask the questions, but talk tome, okay? I’ll be just behind them, and it will be like we’re the only two people here.”
“Yeah, I can do that.” I nod, my face flushing. “Sorry, I don’t know what came over me.”
The embarrassment settles in. I’m a professional goalie in the National Hockey League. I stand in a six-by-four-foot goal for two hundred days of the year, with rubber pucks turning into missiles as they are hit at me. That never makes me flinch. I’ve never let the nerves in. But there hasn’t been a way to prepare for this. And as if she knew, Bea took it all away.
“You don’t need to apologize.” She gives my shoulders one more squeeze before dropping her hold. She doesn’t step back, and I’m glad she’s still so close. The physical proximity and the smile she gives me feel like walking into the sun on a winter’s day. The warmth that spreads through me chases away the shadows of uncertainty and fear that licked at my skin. “I’d love to tell you these will get easier, but I’m not you.” Bea’s hand comes up once more, like she’s going to brush the hair that’s fallen across my forehead. I want her to, long for it even at that second. But she stops herself, and I remember I can’t afford the distraction. Her fingers curl into her fist for a moment before she stuffs her hand into her pocket and clears her throat. “You can do this, Nicky. It’s just a conversation, and I’ll be here the whole time.”
“Thanks,” I manage before she walks back to her post behind the monitors, taking the light she carries with her. Andy’s perched on the edge of their stool, lifting their eyebrows in question. I take a deep breath and look once more for Bea’s smile. When she gives it, I focus my attention on Andy. “I’m ready.”
CHAPTER 5
BEA
There are people everywhere. Some are crying and clinging to each other. Some are running around, playing tag, and laughing. Others stand in small clusters, judgmental faces firmly in place as they watch the chaos unfolding. It’s an overwhelming scene, and those are just the children.
The adults are an entirely different story, and as I lift my phone to take some footage, it’s hard to suppress a giggle. Most parents are staring slack-jawed and silent as the group I’m following parts the crowd like the Red Sea.
“This is insane,” I whisper to Violet, who’s next to me. She nods, a wild smile across her face as she giggles with me. “My parents didn’t even drop me off on the first day of nursery school.”
In front of us, Nicky walks hand in hand with Natalia toward the front gates of Edgewood Elementary. Natalia’s caramel strands are pushed back by a vibrant green headband to perfectly go with her playful dress. Her deep blue backpackshimmers in the sunlight, with multiple sequins sewn in constellation patterns. She has an inquisitive but reserved expression, one that matches her father’s. Until she looks around her to the group of professional hockey players that have formed a protective half circle around her. Then a grin breaks free.
The unofficial security detail of Obie, Crosby, Gus, Charlie, and Leo are wearing identical shirts that look like band tees, proclaimingNatalia’s Back to School Tour.They all have their phones out, snapping photos and taking videos, encouraging Natalia with every step they take to the drop-off location.
“Nicky looks like he’s two seconds away from banishing all of them.” Violet points to Nicky’s expression as I stop recording, leaving the camera open just in case. I examine the firm set of his jaw and the tenseness in his shoulders. I consider these while wishing I could see his eyes for confirmation of what he’s feeling, but they’re hidden behind a sharp pair of Wayfarers. Still, after nearly two weeks of regular, prolonged contact with him, I feel like I understand Nikita Baladin better than most.
“I just think he wants things to go well for Nat, and the extra attention isn’t what he had in mind when Gus told him everyone wanted to be here on her first day of school. Nat had a hard time getting excited about everything. It’s a big change.”
“You gotallof that from his resting bitch face?” Violet slows as the group finds an empty spot under a shady tree to wait until the gates open. Nicky drops to one knee, shoving his sunglasses onto his forehead before taking Natalia’s backpack and checking the contents again. The boys stand in loose formation around them, chatting idly. We hang back, sipping at our to-go cups of life-giving caffeine.
“It’s kind of my job to read Nicky.” I shrug my shoulders. “Plus, he told me as much yesterday after morning skate.”
“You do spend a lot of time with him.” Violet lifts an eyebrow. I ignore her in favor of watching Nicky tuck Natalia’s lunchbox away, then run his fingers through her hair and offer her a smile that nearly turns me into a puddle. She wraps her arms around her father’s neck, dwarfed by him in an instant when his massive frame swallows her in a strong embrace. I lift my phone and snap one picture before leaving them to their moment. Nicky and I reached an agreement with the film crew that, whenever possible, family time would be filmed only by himself or his friends. Natalia’s face is hidden in the picture, but it’s also an unguarded glimpse of a man the public believes is unflappable.
When the pair breaks apart, the rest of the guys slowly swoop in for their own hugs and reassurances. Gus is first, spinning Nat around to make her giggle before setting her down and lifting his phone for a selfie. I can’t help but laugh at the silly faces they make and feel the moment Nicky’s eyes lock on me. Even with his sunglasses back in place, I know he’s looking at me, and I can’t help but suck a breath at the way it feels.
“Ohhhh,” Violet singsongs low between us. “I know that look.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about. There’s no ‘look.’” I twist to glare at my best friend, but my cheeks color all the same. Violet merely crosses her arms and pops a hip, unconvinced.
“You have been looking at each other all morning, and it’s the same face I had when I thought I could keep liking Crosby a secret. I’m your best friend, don’t lie to me.”
“It isn’texactlylike that,” I hedge. “No more men just to keep myself from being lonely.” My mood sours briefly, and Violet immediately hooks her arm through mine, linking us. “Not like before, Petal. I left all of that behind. I started fresh, and I’m committed to it. Sexy single dad or not.”
“I know, babe.” Violet leans her head against mine, an understanding sigh parting her lips. “I’m so proud of you forfiguring out what wasn’t working for you and doing the most to change it. I know it wasn’t easy, but you’re killing it at work. And all the guys adore you. Some more than others—but what you choose to do with that is entirely up to you.”
“Thanks,” I manage, squeezing her tighter. After everything was settled at the end of last season, Violet surprised me by flying to London and showing up at the door to the flat we once shared. Just as I had done for her, she showed up exactly when I needed her. She barely asked any questions as we sorted through my life, writing my resignation over boxes of Thai food, and arranging a company to help me prepare to move to America. I told her all about my relationship with Rupert, and she held my hand as I broke it off with him over a text—the only form of communication he would respond to during our time together. Of course, when it sank in that I wasn’t actually around anymore, then he started calling.Twat.
When my bags were checked through to New York, and I was settling in beside her on the plane, I vowed to swear off the convenience of men. The next person I got involved with would mean something more than the calming of a physical need or the attempt to fill an emotional void. Bonus points if they didn’t workanywherenear me. Making Nicky completely off-limits, even if I have to constantly remind myself of that resolution.
“Look, the gates are open!” Violet nudges me, pointing with her cup to where the school has opened, and friendly faces of the staff stand on the other side, welcoming the students and their families. Nicky is the only one walking Natalia through the gates, but the little girl seems to be frozen in place now that the time has arrived. “Oh, sweet girl. I think it’s hitting her—I was the same way.”
Nicky kneels in front of his daughter again, folding his sunglasses and tucking them in his back pocket, and I can’t help but move closer to the pair. Violet drifts toward Crosby andthe rest of the guys as I find myself putting a hand on Nicky’s shoulder to stabilize myself, crouching in front of Natalia. She’s valiantly fighting back tears; Nicky’s quiet words in Russian are doing little to keep her from collapsing with the deluge of emotions. When it does, it feels like a punch to the gut. I don’t know if it’s my place, but I want to help, an instinct to soothe gripping me like a vise.
