I can’t even begin to think about the days to come. I have no idea what they look like because they are blank. Without Slade, I can’t see anything.
“Don't you worry about your boys still in the club?”
“Of course I do, but it’s who they are, who they will always be. They can’t change now.”
“I’m trying to get Zach and Nina to leave town with me.”
Her brows raise. “Would Zach leave the club?”
“I’m hoping he will. He's all I’ve got left.”
“Kris, I understand what you’ve lost and how you’re feeling, but you can’t change who Zachery is."
“He’s my son. He's always been worth more than the club. He could go places, be something special out in the world. Every day he stays, he’s wasting his life.”
“He won't see it like that," she argues.
No one in the club will and that’s the problem. I pull my hand back and stand.
“Kristen, no one in this world can give you the answers that will take your pain away. Stay and talk to me. I doubt either of us will get much or any sleep tonight, we might as well keep each other company.”
After a long moment, I sit down again. The silence of the night joins us and for a while we say nothing.
“You’ve never been comfortable around the club, but it was a part of who Slade was, as much as you and the kids were. I don’t blame the patch, and neither should you.”
“That's easier said than done.” I rub at my chest, but the pain still remains. “I remember when you and Ricky got married, you were so happy. I couldn’t be happier when Slade and I eloped. I've tried to focus on the good times, but they only remind me that they are all I get to have now. Only memories.” My tears burn my skin as they stream down my face. “I don’t think I want to be here anymore. What kind of life will I have without him?"
“No, Kris, you still have Zachery and Sebastian. You can’t think like that.”
“Zach doesn’t need me, he’s a grown man with his own family. If he doesn’t leave the club, I can’t stick around to lose everything I've ever loved.”
I sob and she collects me in her arms.
“My dad used to say that not much could hurt a person more than a mother and her child. I know my boys and theirreputation, but the worry I have for them compared to Victoria is night and day. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned to put the worry aside, because all it did was waste my life away.”
She sits back and I scrub my face dry of tears. “I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. I don’t know what I'm saying anymore."
I stand and this time, I step away. “I apologise for showing up in the middle of the night.”
“It’s fine, you’re welcome anytime.”
My visit with Kyla becomes a blur the farther I drive. Every tree I pass, I imagine speeding up and driving straight into them. Knowing my luck, I’d wreck the car, harm the tree, and walk away unscathed. I’d end up with everyone pitying me and that, I really can’t bear to live with any more than I already do.
Zachery is sat on the front steps smoking one of his druggie cigarettes. I’ve told him countless times I don’t want the neighbours seeing. The fact they can smell it is bad enough.
I pull onto the drive and turn the car off. Raindrops splash against the window screen and I throw open my door, wanting to miss getting caught in the rain. Zach stands and opens the front door and I step inside, repulsed by the sweet smoke clinging to him.
“How was Kyla?”
Taken back, I ask, “How do you know where I was?”
I kick off my shoes and head through to the kitchen.
“Dad’s been tracking you for years.”
I stop. “He has?”
“I don’t know why you’re so surprised.”
