We go over to the kitchen, and I give her a quick version of recent events.
“Where is Leo now?” she asks.
“Him and Luca went over to the bar.”
“We’re going to be okay, aren’t we?”
Taking a deep breath, I murmur, “I hope so.”
10
Kristen
Ican still smell his cologne lingering in the air in our bedroom. It's on the bedsheets, in his wardrobe though his clothes have been through the laundry, and on his robe hanging on the back of the door.
His watch isn’t on the nightstand. His keys aren’t downstairs in the bowl on the hall dresser. His boots aren’t by the front door. Each day that passes, it becomes harder to feel him around me. I keep being told I have my memories but how are they going to keep me warm at night when they can’t wrap their arms around me and slide their leg over mine. My memories won’t be stood in the kitchen first thing in the morning with a coffee in hand and a smile just for me. They won’t text me throughout the day telling me how much they love me and is waiting for me at home when the shop closes. I've lived with the anxiety of losing him for thirty years, more so after India was ripped away from me, and the day finally came. Just like I knew it would. I ache to go back and live being constantly anxious, just to have him back with us, with me, but he’s gone. He's never coming back, and I have no idea how I'm going to move on. We were each other’s forever and now I have to go at it alone.
I slip my shoes on and grab my car keys. I can’t stand to be in this house any longer. Nina and Sebastian went to bed a few hours ago, and Zachery is asleep on the couch, the TV on standby. I turn the alarm system off and lock up behind me. There's no reason for Zach to wake up and realise I'm not here.
If Slade were here, I'd be sleeping peacefully beside him. I back out of the drive and lower the windows needing the fresh air.
At first, I drive around with no destination in mind, only needing something to focus on. I pick up speed as I pass Main Street, and turn off toward the edge of town. I find myself driving past Kyla’s house. I reverse and make my way down her drive. The living room light is still on, and I climb out of the car and knock on her door.
“Who’s there?” she calls out.
“It’s me, Kristen.”
I listen to the locks disengaging and I step back when the door opens.
“Kristen? What are you doing here?"
Kyla pulls her robe belt tighter together and offers, “Do you want to come in?”
I shake my head. “I need air. Do you mind if we sit out here?”
“Sure.”
We sit on the bench, and I can’t help staring at Ricky's motorcycle. It still stands proudly by the garage and looks like it's been cared for since his death.
“I've been meaning to stop by...”
Before she can go on, I cut in, “It's okay, I’m the one who should have been stopping by here when you lost Rickyandyour father.”
“I haven’t been the best company to be around, and I’ve been keeping myself busy with the grandbabies.”
“Two sets of twins will certainly keep you busy.” The small talk makes me internally cringe. “Is that how you get through it? Keeping yourself busy.”
Her chest rising and falling heavily has me nearly regretting asking.
“To be honest, even when I’m busy, I'm moving through a fog. People keep telling me that Ricky would want me to move on, live my life, and I guess I am doing that but himandhis absence is with me all the time. When I look at the twins, I see him. When little Tommy laughs, I hear him. He was a part of me and I’m never going to be the same. I doubt I’ll stop going to tell him something I’ve heard or reach out for him in the night.”
A tear drops from her eye, and I reach over and hold her hand. “I was afraid to ask and hear your answer. I...”
I don’t know what I was going to say so I say nothing. I look out over her front yard and remember years ago when it would be covered in kids bikes and a swing set. Slade and I brought Zachery and India over for cookouts many times.
We never hosted much, I was always busy working at the shop and when I did have spare time, the last thing I wanted was to play hostess for the club.
“I don’t know what the future holds and I'm not looking to go out of my way to find out. I wake up in the morning and see where the day takes me. I have good days and I have days where I can’t get out of bed,” she tells me.
