Looking around the room, it’s practically bare. I can tell he’s tried to spruce it up a little for me. There's a full-size bed with a comforter and pillows. Guess I didn’t need to bring my own. Beside it is a nightstand with a lamp. On the dresser is a small television, and in the corner is a mini fridge. There’s two other doors. One must be a closet and the other the bathroom he mentioned.
I shut the door, making sure to lock it before walking over to the bed and sitting down on the edge.
The silence in the room is crushing, allowing time for my mind to ramble over the events of the last few days. I fall back on the bed, rolling onto my side and curling my body into a fetal position.
Inside these walls, no one can touch me, reach me without my consent. I have space to breathe even though all I want is them. Josh, Hank, and Luke. They consume my every thought.
Outside the walls of this room, the clubhouse roars on. Life continues. Laughter rises and falls. And the men I thought were mine continue their lives without me. And it’s crushing me to bits.
Chapter 11
Vee
Itossandturnallnight. Sleep hangs just out of my grasp, taunting me with a peaceful slumber yet never giving it to me. I’d love to be able to blame my lack of sleep on the partying taking place in the club, but it wouldn’t be the complete truth. While I could hear some of it, the room Luca gave me is far enough away from the main room that the noise was more like a dull thudding throb into the wee hours of the morning.
All I could do was lay on the narrow bed in the room at my brother’s clubhouse, staring at the ceiling riddled with old water stains. I spent countless minutes devising stories about what caused them and why Luca never thought to paint over them, lessening the eyesore they created.
I tried to keep my mind from spiraling, but it didn’t work.
Every time I closed my eyes, I saw them. Felt them. Heard the echoes of their voices, which only made my chest ache. A reminder that if I wanted Hank, I’d have to choose. I couldn’t. I wouldn’t. Their friendship, their brotherhood, couldn’t be fractured because of me. I know without a doubt that in the long run, they’d choose their club over me.
Running, hiding from them felt like the only option I had left.
That’s the lie I told myself when I packed my bag. When I locked my apartment door behind me without looking back. When I went to work and asked for time off. When I drove straight to the clubhouse after I saw Hank with her.
I tried to convince myself that I wasn’t hiding. I was merely taking time to think. Putting some space between me and them. Breathing, while I came to terms with a life without them as people I love. Moving them firmly into the friend zone. I couldn’t erase them from my life completely. Doing that would mean distancing myself from Ash and Arizona, finding a new job, or moving to another state. And I’d just gotten Luca back in my life so that wasn’t an option.
But with each passing hour, the truth wove its way deeper into my gut. A firm knot that told me the reality of what I was doing. Being a coward. I need to face the truth that a future with the three of them is out of the picture for me. That as much as I’d love to have what Ash and Arizona achieved with their men, it’s not in the cards for me. Just like them, I can’t choose. The only difference is they didn’t have to.
I roll onto my side, pulling the blanket tighter around me, though it does nothing to warm the hollow ache in my chest.
Josh called last night. Just like he said he would. A man of his word.
I can still see how his name flashed on my phone, splashing light into a room of darkness. The way my pulse spiked instantly, betraying me. I hadn’t even realized I’d reached for it until my fingers were already hovering inches from the screen.
I let it ring.
Once. Twice.
Then again.
Each vibration felt like a tether pulling tighter, urging me to answer it. To tell him where I was and beg him to come and getme. My chest burned as I stared at the screen, my heart warring with my better judgment.
If I answered, I’d hear the concern in his voice. He’d ask where I was. If I was safe. Why I was running. He’d try to convince me that everything would be okay.
And I’d cave, even though I know that it wouldn’t.
Hank will never change his mind, and I won’t force him to. In the end, neither of us would be happy.
So I didn’t answer.
When the message came through later, it somehow hurt more than the missed calls.
Josh: I’m going to let you rest. But once I’m off my shift, I’m coming to your apartment.
Josh is smart, so I’m sure eventually he’ll figure out where I am, but he won’t be able to get to me. Not here. Not with Luca protecting me.
The guilt hit me immediately. I knew he’d be tired, and I hate the thought of him making that drive for nothing. Hated knowing he’d show up anyway, just in case. But if I answered—even to warn him—I knew myself too well. One conversation would turn into another. Into hours. Into promises and reassurances, and him convincing me that we could figure this out together.
