And we couldn’t.
Not like this.
So I let the calls go to voicemail, left the messages unanswered, and then finally turned off my phone.
I’d hoped that Luke or Hank would reach out too. That my phone would light up with their names, that I’d know I wasn’t the only one lying awake, replaying everything, and hoping for some epiphany that never comes.
Luke, with his steady presence and unspoken understanding. Hank, with his intensity and his lines drawn so clearly in the sand of what he wanted.
But there were no calls, no messages. Just radio silence from them.
Maybe it was better that way. Maybe this was the universe stepping in where I couldn’t—forcing distance, forcing an ending. Hank couldn’t share. He’d made that clear, even if it hurt him to say it. And I couldn’t choose. The thought of cutting one of them out felt like what I imagine losing a limb would feel like. A constant reminder of what you had and lost.
If I couldn’t have them all… then I didn’t want any of them. When I look at my future, with them it’s not just one of them I see. It’s all three. They're each so important to me that a life without one of them just doesn’t feel right. It’s as if I was a puzzle made of four pieces. Me and them. If one is missing then it’s not complete.
That realization hollowed me out.
I squeezed my eyes shut, fighting the sting behind them, when a sharp knock cut through the quiet.
I sit up so fast in bed, my heart racing, and my head dizzy from the sudden movement. My hand goes to my heart, trying to calm myself as I try to determine if it was just a dream. For a split second, my thoughts jump to it being Josh, standing on the other side of the door. Or Luke. Or Hank, somehow having tracked me down, without a word, ready to claim me. To swear his devotion to me and that he miraculously found a way to share.
But I know that’s just a dream and not reality. The knock comes again, harder this time. I swing my legs off the side of the bed and stand, taking slow steps as I walk toward the door. My hand on the handle, I’m about to open the door when I remember where I am. That could be anyone on the other side of the door. I take a deep breath, swallow hard and go to open mymouth before I hear a familiar, deep voice on the other side. “It’s me. Open up, sis.”
Relief hits me so fast my knees nearly buckle, and I almost fall to the floor. I should’ve known his ass wouldn’t let anyone near my room.
I turn the handle, and pull the door open to find my brother filling the frame, arms crossed, eyes already scanning my face like he could read every thought written there. He looks tired, jaw shadowed with stubble, his leather cut hanging open over a black t-shirt.
“Hey,” I manage to say, barely above a whisper.
“Jesus, VeeVee,” he mutters. “You look like hell. Did you sleep in the same clothes you were in last night?”
Changing clothes wasn’t something I was concerned about.
I manage to give him a weak laugh and step back into the room as he follows behind. “Good morning to you too,” I grumble as I head straight to the bathroom and catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. My mascara streaks down my face from crying, my hair looks like a rat’s nest as I run my fingers through my locks trying to tame them.
I hear Luca moving in the room, and when I peek my head out of the bathroom, I see he’s taken a seat on the edge of the bed.
“Come on, sis, let’s go eat and talk. It’s time to get out of this room and get some fresh air.”
I roll my eyes. “You don’t have to wait for me.”
“Yes, I do,” he grunts.
I shake my head and step out into the bedroom, picking up my bag from the floor and stomp back into the bathroom, slamming the door behind me. Childish, I know, but it felt good to let out a little bit of anger.
My eyes drift over to the shower, and I think about taking one, making Luca wait on me. But I don’t. I close the lid of the toiletand set my bag on top of it. Opening it up, I rifle through my clothing before pulling out a t-shirt and my favorite hoodie.
Hank’s.
I don’t know why I packed it other than I needed to have a piece of him close to me. I take off my shirt from last night and quickly change. My body stiffens for a fleeting moment before I pull the hoodie over my head. I shouldn’t be wearing it, but I’m just not strong enough to put it back in the bag. I take another minute to wash my face and brush my teeth before calling it a day. There’s no one here I want to impress.
I take a deep breath, force a smile on my face and open the door. “Let’s go eat. I hope whoever cooked it at least knows how to make something edible.”
“Sorry, can’t promise that. Annie isn’t here today, so we have Lily. While she can suck a mean cock, her cookin’ skills aren’t as good. How are you at cookin’?”
“I’ll cook for you and Nic, but fuck all these other people,” I gripe.
He laughs, one that sounds so much stronger and grown than the ones I remember from him as a kid.
