‘But I’m serious, Tay; we all have hang-ups over love. Look what happened to me. I’m a prime example. But when you’re in love and they love you back…’
She gets her Theo-look, all sappy and doe-eyed, and I resist the urge to roll my eyes. Especially as I fear I look much the same when I talk about Ax. Though granted, I’m a little more pensive around the edges.
Because I do love him.
And it’s hard keeping it to myself, but between charting my ovulation, riding the monthly rollercoaster ofAm I pregnant? Am I not?Taking early detection tests. Seeing every sign that isn’t there – tender breasts, needing the loo, nausea – then the bleed, that is. I don’t know whether I’m coming or going, and it hits harder every time. The disappointment. The emotion. The tears I do my damnedest to keep in check.
And I’m still terrified of losing him. Baby or no baby. Because what if he doesn’t feel the same? Can I bear to hear him say it before I have his baby inside me?
Is it bad that I’m not ready to take that risk?
‘And I may be younger than you,’ she’s now saying as I tune back in, ‘but when it comes to love, I get to be the expert. AndI’m telling you, it’s better to put it out there, because a love that’s shared truly is the greatest love of all.’
And when they don’t…?
I shake my head, wanting to break free of the gloom.
‘Mercedes Stone, are you quoting song lyrics at me now?’
‘I don’t think so. Pretty sure that was an original.’
Now I do roll my eyes. ‘Come on, let’s get inside before they burn the house down with their culinary escapades.’
Theo is using tonight’s dinner as a full-scale rehearsal for Christmas Day: the first one he’s hosted without the aid of staff. He’s determined to make every dish from scratch. No fancy Fortnum & Mason shortcuts. Just pure, chaotic ambition.
And today, he’s been assisted by his sous chefs in the making: Lottie and most surprisingly, Ax.
‘Now he’s actually working less and making time for it,’ Sadie says, ‘Theo’s turning into a really good cook.’
‘I’m more concerned about his assistant chefs running amuck.’
She chuckles as she taps the boot shut. ‘Bet you can’t wait to see Ax in an apron.’
I can’t wait to see Ax, full stop. It’s been four days, and I’m like an over-charged battery buzzing with the need to touch him.
‘I still can’t believe Lottie got him in one,’ I say, thinking of the selfie Sadie got earlier: Ax, Theo, and Lottie in a tornado of flour and festive chaos. It was adorable, heart-melting… and okay, sure, panty-melting too.
But Ax can make anything look hot. Even the ridiculous bows Lottie likes to stick in his hair.
‘That girl could convince a brick wall to tap dance,’ Sadie says, juggling her bags as she pushes through the gate and up the stone steps.
I follow her, ducking as the bitter wind whips around us, bringing with it the first whisper of snow.
‘Oh my God!’ She stops so abruptly, I nearly crash into her. ‘It’s snowing!’
‘No shit.’
She spins back towards me, eyes bright and wide and just like Lottie. ‘I’m so happy, I could burst. Everything I could ever wish for is coming true…’
‘It’s just a little snow?—’
‘But a white Christmas would be the icing on the cake of wishes.’
I smile, because I’m hoarding enough wishes of my own now too, praying they’ll come true the way hers have.
A baby on the way.
Axel loving me back.
