“You okay?”
I nod and my cheeks burn, hoping no one else noticed. My headphones dangle around my neck, and I use them to cover my ears. The ride to the airport is taking a thousand years, and Theo’s eyeing me like I might break. I shut my eyes and pretend to fall asleep.
“Is he okay?” Brant asks, and I picture his face between the seats.
“All good,” Theo lies for me.
“Are you sure last night didn’t scare him?” Brant presses.
“You can’t blame him, growing up where he did.” Theo shifts, and his knee brushes mine.
“Brooklyn?”
“No…never mind.” Theo sits back so hard his seat bounces. His eyes are on me. I assume he’s waiting to ask why my teammates don’t know where I grew up. I’m not ashamed of where I came from, but I don’t trust many people with my history. And it doesn’t come up.
“I’ve never met anyone like you,” he admits under his breath.
I remain quiet. It’s only a few more minutes to the airport, and I can hang on.
Figuring Theo out is like an itch I can’t scratch. He seems offended on my behalf when someone makes an off-color comment that could be racist, yet he enjoys making me angry. There’s a light in his eyes when I give in to my negative emotions.
He’s like a little kid, trying to get attention any way he can, and he’s figured out negative responses are the fastest way to undivided attention.
There’s an entire side of himself that Theo hides from the world. The side that murmurs encouragement while gentle fingers work vile gum from my hair.
Theo’s gifts today were unexpectedly thoughtful. He knew I didn’t want the team or anyone to see my hair frizzy and fluffy. It’s tough to explain what happened because they don’t have the cultural understanding of why it’s humiliating.
I’m not sure who Theo was last night. If he’s really caring and compassionate or… It’s unfair to think he has an ulterior motive. The thought of that alone would disappoint my mom. She believes his actions spoke up for me.
Usually, people use words to fool others by saying one thing and doing another. Theo’s words are harsh and rude, but…his actions are the opposite.
I pride myself on reading people through their body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice. In the past, the skill kept me safe. Being the only Black guy on a hockey team was scary sometimes. I had to learn who was safe, who meant me harm, and who would be a bystander to violence. There are times I’m sure Theo would jump me in a dark alley and leave me to die. But he’ll also defend me from emotional and physical harm.
Maybe that’s what it’s like to have a sibling. Someone who, on any given day, will defend your life or take it depending on the situation.
Thinking of Theo as my brother turns my stomach. It feels wrong on every level.
The bus pulls up to the airport, and I realize I’ve spent the entire ride obsessing over Theo. I don’t know who I am when he’s around. No one has taken up more space in my brain than he has.
All I know is that he’s there when I need him most, and he smells better than a human has a right to.
Chapter 18
Theo O'Keefe
Jamal falls into a fitful sleep on the plane that doesn’t seem relaxing. Our seats are leather with extra legroom, but he’s curled into himself.
I deep-dive into the cultural significance of Black hair. The guilt over my curiosity about his hair eats at me. I’m no better than anyone else who made Jamal feel “other” by my fascination, like he’s some zoo animal.
Innocent seven-year-old me didn’t have a clue, but adult me should’ve known better.
I worry that he’s crashing after his panic attack and might need a ride home. He bolts from his aisle seat, and everyone gets out of his way.
We’re at a hangar in New Jersey for private planes, so I’m sure I’ll catch up.
He runs away before anyone notices he’s gone. If I were smart, I’d let the whole thing go and keep my head in the game. Hockey is the only game I should be concerned with. Yet, I follow Jamal out of the parking lot.
Jamal is nothing like his father and doesn’t deserve my anger. I hope nothing I did contributed to his panic attack. He scared me, but thankfully I realized before I made a scene that he had anxiety and not a medical emergency. He’d never forgive me if I involved Grayson and the coaches. I did the best I could, but I felt so helpless watching him struggle.
