Curiosity gets me, and I dump the contents in my lap. There’s a Detroit beanie and a black do-rag.
“No one will say anything else about your hair. I made sure.” Theo looks at me expectantly.
“Thanks.” I shove them back in the bag. The do-rag would be helpful, but I’m not putting it on my head without washing it first. That’s nasty.
Our legs touch, and he doesn’t move his away. “You’re not even going to try them?” Theo’s voice rises.
“I said thank you.” Closing my eyes, I block him out.
Mav taps me from the seat behind. “Hey, I hope I didn’t offend you.”
I can either stand up for myself or make him comfortable. Conflict isn’t my thing, but my teammates can’t change if they don’t know it’s wrong.
“Whether or not you meant it, the impact was negative. Comments about your hair hit different when laws have to be passed to legally protect you for wearing it the way it grows out of your head.” I don’t have the energy to explain it to him.
“Damn, I’m sorry, man. I didn’t—”
“I know.” My body’s facing forward so I can’t see his face and feel like it’s my job to make him feel better.
Theo’s leg presses into mine, and I absorb its warmth and relax for the first time all morning.
My breath catches in my lungs as awareness becomes a full-blown self-discovery. I hope my therapist can work me in this week because crazy thoughts invade my head. For a second, I think I’m attracted to Theo, but that’s not possible because I’m not sure I like him.
Even as the thought spirals through my brain, I can’t deny it or move away from him.
Like him or not, he helped me out and has stood up for me in a way no one else in my life has. No one ever thinks about how I live in a white world and have to make myself fit in. Theo picks up on what I need.
Today, I’m exhausted from my nervous system functioning on high alert, but with him near me, I’m calmer.
I concentrate on my breathing. I’m fine. I’ll be home soon and can put this trip behind me.
“My gifts aren’t good enough for you?” he says into my ear.
My eyes pop open because he’s in my space, and I’m not frozen. Somehow my brain has decided he’s safe.
“Sorry,” I mutter, not sure what I’m apologizing for, and shrink into my seat to put distance between us.
My reaction to him is panic, not attraction. I need to get over myself and move on.
“Are you? Or are you… Hey, what’s wrong?” Theo grips my arm when I gasp for breath.
No, no, no, NO! I’m not losing control. I’ll deal with my issues later. All that matters now is getting my panic under control. Theo’s hand grounds me. He’s a tether out of the mess in my head.
I put my head between my knees and concentrate on his hand massaging the back of my neck.
“What do you need?” he whispers.
“Control,” I choke out.
Theo fumbles his phone and drops it next to my foot. I can see he searchedwhat should I do when someone is having a panic attack.
He bends down beside me. “You’re safe. I’m here for you.”
I believe him.
He models slow breathing and asks me to tell him five things I see. I don’t answer but appreciate his effort.
After two lifetimes, I’m under control and sit up.
